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Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
by George Carlin

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do
every minute of every day. And the invisible man
has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do.
And if you do any of these things,
he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire
and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin


 

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin


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Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,
he no longer is.
- George Carlin

I don't like to think of laws
as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
- George Carlin

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
- George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin

If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin

Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin

So far, this is the oldest I've been.
- George Carlin

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I'd have to say that the universe
aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them;
I loathe and despise the groups
they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- George Carlin

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy,
but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance:
It attempts to work things out so that
everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
- George Carlin

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain

Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death

Almost any sect, cult, or religion will
legislate its creed into law
if it acquires the political power.
- Robert A. Heinlein

Anyone who can worship a trinity
and insist that his religion is a monotheism
can believe anything.
- Robert A Heinlein

I don't doubt God. I have firm faith absolutely in God.
It's religion I'm doubting.
- Bono

Religion is the masterpiece of the art of animal training,
for it trains people as to how they should think.
- Arthur Schopenhauer

The way I see it, it doesn't matter what you believe,
just so you're sincere.
- Linus Van Pelt in Charles M. Schulz' Go Fly A Kite, Charlie Brown

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
- Pope John Paul I

If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain

It ain't those parts of the Bible
that I can't understand that bother me,
it is the parts that I do understand.
- Mark Twain

If we were meant to be happy,
why did God create war, hunger, and the 11 o'clock news?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Puritanism. The haunting fear that
someone, somewhere, may be happy.
- H. L. Mencken

The objection to Puritans is not that
they try to make us think as they do,
but that they try to make us do as they think.
- H. L. Mencken

Anyone who thinks sitting in church
can make you a Christian must also think
that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
- Garrison Keillor

Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Computers are like Old Testament gods;
lots of rules and no mercy.
- Joseph Campbell

When I hear a man preach,
I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.
- Abraham Lincoln

Never trust spiritual leader who doesn't dance.
- Miyagi: character in the movie The Next Karate Kid

An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it.
- Don Marquis

The faith that stands on authority is not faith.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Random chance seems to have operated in our favor ...
there was no deity involved.
- Spock character in the Star Trek television series

You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous

The invisible and nonexistent look much alike.
- Delos B. McKown

It is the things for which there is no evidence
that are believed with passion.
- Bertrand Russell

The existence of an anthropomorphic
"Father-figure" deity is not impossible,
merely exceptionally improbable and illogical.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln

Morality is the theory that every human act
must be either right or wrong,
and that 99 % of them are wrong.
- H. L. Mencken

True believers just don't see things the way they are,
because if they did, they wouldn't be true believers anymore.
- Philip Caputo

Every man prefers belief to the exercise of judgment.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca

A common denominator of all religions is that
they have the power to bring out the best and the worst in people.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The Christian missionary may preach the gospel
to the poor naked heathen,
but the spiritual heathen who populate Europe
have as yet heard nothing of Christianity.
- Carl Jung

For centuries, theologians have been explaining
the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- H. L. Mencken

The believer's ray of light is the cynic's sunburn.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The way to silence religious disputes is to take no notice of them.
- Thomas Jefferson

Interesting.
You Earth people glorify organized violence for 40 centuries,
but you imprison those who employ it privately.
- the character Spock in the television series Star Trek

You can safely assume that you've
created God in your own image
when it turns out that God hates
all the same people you do.
- Anne Lamott

It is an open question whether any behavior
based on fear of eternal punishment
can be regarded as ethical
or should be regarded as merely cowardly.
- Margaret Mead

One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein

Jesus was all right,
but his disciples were thick and ordinary.
It's them twisting it that ruins it for me.
- John Lennon

God is a concept by which we measure our pain.
- John Lennon

In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep,
one must above all be a sheep oneself.
- Albert Einstein

I don't know which will go first - rock 'n' roll or Christianity.
- John Lennon

Gods always behave like the people who make them.
- Zora Neale Hurston

If it turns out that there IS a God,
I don't think that he's evil.
I think that the worst you can say about him
is that basically he's an underachiever.
- the movie Love and Death


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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