Facebook share Tweet This Email this
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin
No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
Get a Funny Quote of the Day each day by email or in your feed reader.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin
Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I'd have to say that the universe
aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- George Carlin
So far, this is the oldest I've been.
- George Carlin
If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin
I don't like to think of laws
as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
- George Carlin
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them;
I loathe and despise the groups
they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,
he no longer is.
- George Carlin
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- George Carlin
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- George Carlin
If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
- George Carlin
Honesty may be the best policy,
but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin
Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance:
It attempts to work things out so that
everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
- George Carlin
Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do
every minute of every day. And the invisible man
has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do.
And if you do any of these things,
he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire
and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin
You can put wings on a pig,
but you don't make it an eagle.
- William J. Clinton
One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
Never put off till tomorrow
what you can do the day after tomorrow.
- Mark Twain
Life is like a sewer...
what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer
Few things are harder to put up with
than the annoyance of a good example.
- Mark Twain
When life gets you down -
just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
- Anonymous humor
Ending a sentence with a preposition is
something up with which I will not put.
- Winston Churchill
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it
seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour
and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life.
Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul or we get fat.
- Albert Einstein
The trouble with having an open mind, of course,
is that people will insist on coming along
and trying to put things in it.
- Terry Pratchett
Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives.
I think we're being run by maniacs for maniacal ends
and I think I'm liable to be put away as insane for expressing that.
That's what's insane about it.
- John Lennon
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow,
you gotta put up with the rain.
- Dolly Parton
My Mama always said you've got to put the past behind you
before you can move on.
- the movie Forrest Gump
It is easier to put on slippers
than to carpet the entire world
- Al Franken
We believe that if men have the talent
to invent new machines that put men out of work,
they have the talent to put those men back to work.
- John F. Kennedy
If you want to be happy,
put your effort into controlling the sail, not the wind.
- Anonymous
No duty the Executive had to perform was so trying
as to put the right man in the right place.
- Thomas Jefferson
In a very real sense, it will not be one man going to the moon,
it will be an entire nation.
For all of us must work to put him there.
- John F. Kennedy
Believe that none of the effort you put
into coming closer to God is ever wasted -
even if in the end you don't achieve
what you are striving for.
- Rebbe Nachman of Breslov
Mankind must put an end to war
before war puts an end to mankind.
- John F. Kennedy
Do not worry if you have built your castles in the air.
They are where they should be.
Now put the foundations under them.
- Henry David Thoreau
You can do anything you put your mind to.
- Anonymous
What's the use of a fine house if you haven't got
a tolerable planet to put it on?
- Henry David Thoreau
Who were you before you put yourself last.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do...
but how much love we put in that action.
- Mother Teresa
Never put passion before principle.
Even if win, you lose.
- Miyagi: character in the movie Karate Kid 2
Put on your own oxygen mask first.
- Airline companies
Anyone can heal who believes that he can
and will take the time to put that belief into motion.
- Ernest Holmes
Simply put, mindfulness is moment-to-moment non-judgmental awareness.
- Jon Kabat-Zinn
Wise men put their trust in ideas
and not in circumstances
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.
- Abraham Lincoln
Angry and happy don't mix.
Flush out the angry,
and the happy has a place to put down roots.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
When you put on a uniform,
there are certain inhibitions that you accept.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
If you have built castles in the air,
your work need not be lost;
that is where they should be.
Now put foundations under them.
- Henry David Thoreau
Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths,
but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.
- Anne Frank
Only put off until tomorrow
what you are willing to die having left undone.
- Pablo Picasso
A man is relieved and gay when he has
put his heart into his work and done his best;
but what he has said or done otherwise
shall give him no peace.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Only love has the ability to put you in that state of bliss
- don Miguel Ruiz
Reality is what you believe it to be.
It's what you put your thought and energy into,
because your hands physically manifest thought.
So your world becomes what you feel and what you think.
- Jewel
Nobody has ever asked the nuclear family to live
all by itself in a box the way we do.
With no relatives, no support,
we've put it in an impossible situation.
- Margaret Mead
You only get out what you put in.
- Anonymous
Love wasn't put in your heart to stay.
Love isn't love until you give it away.
- Michael W. Smith
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today.
- Thomas Jefferson
(also attributed to Benjamin Franklin and Lord Chesterfield)
Gardening is all about optimism.
I put a seed in the ground.
I consistently tend it,
confident I will see the results, in time,
of the nurture I have provided.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Put some distance between yourself
and whatever is concerning you.
Distance in space or time
always creates a new perspective.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Thank you for visiting: I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed. ... by George Carlin.
Please sign up on the form below to receive
my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes email.
You can also search my large collection of Funny Quotes.
May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.