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The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- George Carlin
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin
Honesty may be the best policy,
but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin
So far, this is the oldest I've been.
- George Carlin
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,
he no longer is.
- George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- George Carlin
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I'd have to say that the universe
aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- George Carlin
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them;
I loathe and despise the groups
they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin
If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
- George Carlin
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin
Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin
Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin
I don't like to think of laws
as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
- George Carlin
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance:
It attempts to work things out so that
everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
- George Carlin
Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do
every minute of every day. And the invisible man
has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do.
And if you do any of these things,
he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire
and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin
Life is like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute -
only the last couple seconds are fatal,
but most people are scared to death the whole way down.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz
Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec
The trick is growing up without growing old.
- Casey Stengel
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde
Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)
The difference between school and life?
In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test.
In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.
- Tom Bodett
Life only
appears to be
rushing toward us
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde
You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous
Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life is serious, get out your magic wand.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
If life is a trial, who is the judge and jury?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born
at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
- Mark Twain
To the young child, all life is a great adventure -
when did we grow so dull and brittle.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
Life is always lived in the eye-of-the-storm
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
- John Lennon
No matter how much cats fight,
there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
- Abraham Lincoln
Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
Life is a journey - enjoy the journey.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back.
- Charles M. Schulz in his Peanuts cartoon
Life is defined more by its contrasts than its samenesses;
Life is defined more by its risks than the many securities.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Most men lead lives of quiet desperation
and go to the grave with the song still in them.
- Henry David Thoreau
If life is a bowl of cherries, then what am I doing in the pits?
- Erma Bombeck
Stay Happy, never let anyone get your goat.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life is lived in the living.
Set aside convention, caution,
and arbitrary "rules" about how
life is supposed to be lived.
Choose! Explore! Adventure!
Live life to the fullest.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Knowing your own darkness is the best method
for dealing with the darknesses of other people.
- Carl Jung
Every man prefers belief to the exercise of judgment.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Success is failure recycled.
Life is death reborn.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition,
is not only a waste of energy
but the worst habit you could possibly have.
- Dale Carnegie
Joy is a choice - but it isn't an easy choice.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Only a fool tests the depth of the water with both feet.
- African Proverb
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde
Life is really simple,
but we insist on making it complicated.
- Confucius
I can't go back to yesterday -
because I was a different person then.
- Lewis Carroll
Any idiot can face a crisis.
It's the day-to-day living that wears you out.
- Anton Chekhov
It's never too late -
never too late to start over,
never too late to be happy.
- Jane Fonda
Science may have found a cure for most evils;
but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all -
the apathy of human beings.
- Helen Keller
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.