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The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
by George Carlin

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- George Carlin

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin


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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin


 

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy,
but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin

So far, this is the oldest I've been.
- George Carlin

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,
he no longer is.
- George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I'd have to say that the universe
aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- George Carlin

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them;
I loathe and despise the groups
they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
- George Carlin

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin

Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin

I don't like to think of laws
as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
- George Carlin

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance:
It attempts to work things out so that
everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
- George Carlin

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do
every minute of every day. And the invisible man
has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do.
And if you do any of these things,
he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire
and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin

Life is like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute -
only the last couple seconds are fatal,
but most people are scared to death the whole way down.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz

Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec

The trick is growing up without growing old.
- Casey Stengel

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde

Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)

The difference between school and life?
In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test.
In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.
- Tom Bodett

Life only
appears to be
rushing toward us
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde

You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous

Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is serious, get out your magic wand.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

If life is a trial, who is the judge and jury?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born
at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
- Mark Twain

To the young child, all life is a great adventure -
when did we grow so dull and brittle.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash

Life is always lived in the eye-of-the-storm
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
- John Lennon

No matter how much cats fight,
there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
- Abraham Lincoln

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Life is a journey - enjoy the journey.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back.
- Charles M. Schulz in his Peanuts cartoon

Life is defined more by its contrasts than its samenesses;
Life is defined more by its risks than the many securities.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Most men lead lives of quiet desperation
and go to the grave with the song still in them.
- Henry David Thoreau

If life is a bowl of cherries, then what am I doing in the pits?
- Erma Bombeck

Stay Happy, never let anyone get your goat.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is lived in the living.
Set aside convention, caution,
and arbitrary "rules" about how
life is supposed to be lived.
Choose! Explore! Adventure!
Live life to the fullest.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Knowing your own darkness is the best method
for dealing with the darknesses of other people.
- Carl Jung

Every man prefers belief to the exercise of judgment.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Success is failure recycled.
Life is death reborn.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition,
is not only a waste of energy
but the worst habit you could possibly have.
- Dale Carnegie

Joy is a choice - but it isn't an easy choice.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Only a fool tests the depth of the water with both feet.
- African Proverb

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde

Life is really simple,
but we insist on making it complicated.
- Confucius

I can't go back to yesterday -
because I was a different person then.
- Lewis Carroll

Any idiot can face a crisis.
It's the day-to-day living that wears you out.
- Anton Chekhov

It's never too late -
never too late to start over,
never too late to be happy.
- Jane Fonda

Science may have found a cure for most evils;
but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all -
the apathy of human beings.
- Helen Keller


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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