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My boyfriend and I broke up.
by Rita Rudner

My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner PHOTO

When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner

Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner


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Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner

I think men who have a pierced ear
are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

I love to shop after a bad relationship.
I don't know. I buy a new outfit
and it makes me feel better. It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit,
I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner


 

Save a boyfriend for a rainy day -
and another, in case it doesn't rain.
- Mae West

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
- H. L. Mencken

Time to Die:
A Zen teacher had a rare and priceless teacup.
One day, his precocious student accidentally broke the cup.
Hearing the footsteps of his teacher,
the student held the pieces of the cup behind his back.
When the master appeared, he asked: "Why do people have to die?"
"This is natural," explained the teacher.
"Everything has to die and has just so long to live."
The student showed the shattered cup, saying,
"It was time for your cup to die."
- Traditional Zen Koan

The trick is growing up without growing old.
- Casey Stengel

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller

It looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick!
- the movie Shrek 2 (2004)

Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)

They have come up with a perfect understanding.
He won't try to run her life,
and he won't try to run his, either.
- Anonymous

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones!
- the movie Shrek (2001)

I have faith. I just need proof to back it up.
- the movie Simon Birch

If you don't know where you are going,
you might wind up someplace else.
- Yogi Berra

After fifteen minutes I wanted to marry her,
and after half an hour
I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.
- the movie Take the Money and Run (1969)

Love is like an hourglass,
with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
- Jules Renard

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world.
I know because I've done it thousands of times.
- Mark Twain

New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter

Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak;
courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
- Winston Churchill

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors

If at first you don't succeed,
try, try, and try again.
Then give up.
There's no use being a damned fool about it.
- W. C. Fields

Twinkle, twinkle little bat
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a tea-tray in the sky.
- Lewis Carroll

I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I

Few things are harder to put up with
than the annoyance of a good example.
- Mark Twain

The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
- R. Buckminster Fuller

Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president,
but they don't want them to become politicians in the process.
- John F. Kennedy

I once had a rose named after me
and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue:
no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

I was so jazzed about sobering up
and starting a new life;
I had to stop at a bar
to get a drink just to calm down.
- the television series Glee

I always seem to get inspiration and renewed vitality
by contact with this great novel land of yours
which sticks up out of the Atlantic.
- Winston Churchill

I was wise enough to never grow up
while fooling most people into believing I had.
- Margaret Mead

As the evening beckons with the promise of tomorrow...
may your gratitude rise up and with strength answer, "yes."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

I am fond of pigs.
Dogs look up to us.
Cats look down on us.
Pigs treat us as equals.
- Winston Churchill

If it keeps up, man will atrophy
all his limbs but the push-button finger.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

Oh, you weak, beautiful people
who give up with such grace.
What you need is someone to take hold of you -
gently, with love, and hand your life back to you.
- Tennessee Williams

This being grown up isn't all it's cracked up to be.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Lighten up, have a rainbows and butterflies kind of day.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Praying is important when you wake up
at two o'clock in the morning
feeling sick from eating something dumb the day before.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
- Winston Churchill

Never stir up litigation.
A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this.
- Abraham Lincoln

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?"
Then a voice answers "Nothing personal,
your name just happened to come up. -
- Charlie Brown, in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

Ending a sentence with a preposition is
something up with which I will not put.
- Winston Churchill

People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages.
- Benjamin Franklin

Heaven must be an awfully dull place
if your best friends end up elsewhere.
- Anonymous

I always arrive late at the office,
but I make up for it by leaving early.
- Charles Lamb

I know that God made the whole world in 4004 BC.
I know because my preacher told me. He's a good man.
He's even saving up all the money we give him
to go to bible college someday.
- Anonymous Humor

Creationists make it sound as though a "theory'
is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night.
- Isaac Asimov

Life is like a roller coaster - scream Whee... on the way down,
and let the momentum carry you back up the next hill.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

There is no use whatsoever trying to help
people who do not help themselves.
You cannot push anyone up a ladder
unless he is willing to climb himself.
- Andrew Carnegie

The God of Children and Fools:
There once was a man way up high,
who sat on his chair in the sky.
he called down to fool us,
and said he would rule us,
until we woke up bye and bye.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

One of the annoying things about believing in free will
and individual responsibility is the difficulty
of finding somebody to blame your problems on.
And when you do find somebody, it's remarkable
how often his picture turns up on your driver's license.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations.
I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty,
believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.
- Louisa May Alcott

"Hurry up" ranks right up there with "you need to"
as a destroyer of our humanity.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

If it's Right, stand up for it - together.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

It is the friends you can call up at 4 A.M. that matter.
- Marlene Dietrich

You have enemies? Good.
That means you've stood up for something,
sometime in your life.
- Winston Churchill

It is a truism that almost any sect, cult, or religion
will legislate its creed into law
if it acquires the political power to do so,
and will follow it by suppressing opposition,
subverting all education to seize early the minds of the young,
and by killing, locking up, or driving underground all heretics.
- Robert Heinlein

The way I see it, if you want the rainbow,
you gotta put up with the rain.
- Dolly Parton

Sometimes I wonder if we shall ever grow up
in our politics and say definite things which mean something,
or whether we shall always go on using generalities
to which everyone can subscribe, and which mean very little.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Farewell My Friend
It was beautiful as long as it lasted
The journey of my life.
I have no regrets whatsoever
save the pain I'll leave behind.
Those dear hearts who love and care...
And the strings pulling at the heart and soul...
The strong arms that held me up
When my own strength let me down.
At every turning of my life
I came across good friends,
Friends who stood by me,
Even when the time raced me by.
Farewell, farewell my friends
I smile and bid you goodbye.
No, shed no tears for I need them not
All I need is your smile.
If you feel sad do think of me
for that's what I'll like
when you live in the hearts
of those you love, remember then
you never die.
- Gitanjali Ghei

Unexpected events can set you back or set you up.
It's all a matter of - perspective.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Never say goodbye when you still want to try,
never give up when you still feel you can't take it.
Never say you don't love the person anymore
when you can't let go.
- Anonymous

None of us got where we are solely by
pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps.
- Thurgood Marshall


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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