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Yogi Berra Quotes
Funny Quotes by Yogi Berra

Let these funny Yogi Berra Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.

If you don't know where you are going,
you might wind up someplace else.
- Yogi Berra

The future ain't what it used to be.
- Yogi Berra

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice.
In practice there is.
- Yogi Berra

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
- Yogi Berra


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It ain't over till it's over.
- Yogi Berra

If the world was perfect, it wouldn't be.
- Yogi Berra

It was impossible to get a conversation going,
everybody was talking too much.
- Yogi Berra


 

You can observe a lot by just watching.
- Yogi Berra

If you ask me anything I don't know,
I'm not going to answer.
- Yogi Berra

It's like deja-vu, all over again.
- Yogi Berra

You got to be careful if you
don't know where you're going,
because you might not get there.
- Yogi Berra

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner PHOTO

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain PHOTO

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer PHOTO

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed) PHOTO

However beautiful the strategy,
you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill PHOTO

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999) PHOTO

Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie PHOTO

If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you always got.
- Mark Twain PHOTO

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous

You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash

There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill

DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)

You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman

Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck

There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)

You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point

If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin

Of all the things that could frighten you,
you worry about my driving?
- Edward, from Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer

You can put wings on a pig,
but you don't make it an eagle.
- William J. Clinton

The proper office of a friend is to side with you
when you are in the wrong.
Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.
- Mark Twain

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
- the movie As Good As It Gets (1997)

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous

Oh no, I can't do anything to the death.
Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition,
and death is the worst thing for it.
- the movie Love and Death

Where did you park the invisible car?
- the movie Megamind (2010)

Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous

Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)

When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein

New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter

Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective

Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks

Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories

I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors

He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor

You know what? Maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
- the movie Shrek (2001)

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon

Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you,
unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- the movie Shrek 2

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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