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Let these funny W. C. Fields Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down
rat holes with baited breath.
- W. C. Fields
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
- W. C. Fields
I am free of prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
- W. C. Fields
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Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.
- W. C. Fields
If at first you don't succeed,
try, try, and try again.
Then give up.
There's no use being a damned fool about it.
- W. C. Fields
The rich are not born skeptical or cynical.
They are made that way by events, circumstances.
- Paul Getty
Guilt for being rich,
and guilt thinking that perhaps love and peace isn't enough
and you have to go and get shot or something.
- John Lennon
He who is contented is rich.
- Lao Tzu 
The truly rich are those who enjoy what they have.
- Yiddish Proverb
We are rich only through what we give,
and poor only through what we refuse.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
When life is too easy for us, we must beware
or we may not be ready to meet the blows
which sooner or later come to everyone, rich or poor.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
If a free society cannot help the many who are poor,
it cannot save the few who are rich.
- John F. Kennedy
Unwearied ceaseless effort is the price that must be paid
for turning faith into a rich infallible experience.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
That man is rich whose pleasures are the cheapest.
- Henry David Thoreau
Let my soul smile through my heart
and my heart smile through my eyes,
that I may scatter rich smiles in sad hearts.
- Paramahansa Yogananda
I believe life's rich experiences need to be shared with others -
for me this is the way one builds knowledge.
- Pravs J
Experience demands that man is
the only animal which devours his own kind,
for I can apply no milder term to
the general prey of the rich on the poor.
- Thomas Jefferson
Every man is a consumer, and ought to be a producer.
He is by constitution expensive, and needs to be rich.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Have compassion for all beings, rich and poor alike.
Each has their suffering.
Some suffer too much, others too little.
- The Buddha
A man is rich in proportion to
the number of things he can afford to let alone.
- Henry David Thoreau
I try to give to the poor people for love
what the rich could get for money.
No, I wouldn't touch a leper for a thousand pounds;
yet I willingly cure him for the love of God.
- Mother Teresa
Even the rich are hungry for love,
for being cared for, for being wanted,
for having someone to call their own.
- Mother Teresa
Be careful to leave your sons well instructed rather than rich,
for the hopes of the instructed
are better than the wealth of the ignorant.
- Epictetus
If you want to feel rich,
just count all of the things you have that money can't buy.
- Anonymous
The moment you become miserly you are closed
to the basic phenomenon of life: expansion, sharing.
The moment you start clinging to things,
you have missed the target.
Because things are not the target,
you, your innermost being, is the target -
not a beautiful house, but a beautiful you;
not much money, but a rich you;
not many things, but an open being,
available to millions of things.
- Osho
A free America... means just this:
individual freedom for all, rich or poor,
or else this system of government we call democracy
is only an expedient to enslave man
to the machine and make him like it.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
Globalization, as defined by rich people like us,
is a very nice thing...
you are talking about the Internet,
you are talking about cell phones,
you are talking about computers.
This doesn't affect two-thirds of the people of the world.
- Jimmy Carter
Action is the real measure of intelligence.
- Napoleon Hill (author of the classic Think and Grow Rich)
There is nobody in this country who got rich on their own. Nobody. You built a factory out there - good for you. But I want to be clear. You moved your goods to market on roads the rest of us paid for. You hired workers the rest of us paid to educate. You were safe in your factory because of police forces and fire forces that the rest of us paid for. You didn't have to worry that marauding bands would come and seize everything at your factory... Now look. You built a factory and it turned into something terrific or a great idea - God bless! Keep a hunk of it. But part of the underlying social contract is you take a hunk of that and pay forward for the next kid who comes along."
- Elizabeth Warren
He who wishes to be rich in a day will be hanged in a year.
- Leonardo da Vinci
If we are to achieve a richer culture, rich in contrasting values,
we must recognize the whole gamut of human potentialities,
and so weave a less arbitrary social fabric,
one in which each diverse human gift will find a fitting place.
- Margaret Mead
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain
Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
"It's not that important,
don't worry about it" is the answer,
now what was the question?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein
Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel
The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Anonymous
I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer
Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)
Science is a wonderful thing
if one does not have to earn one's living at it.
- Albert Einstein
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet
and steady and loyal and enduring a nature
that it will last through a whole lifetime,
if not asked to lend money.
- Mark Twain
I am not young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde
Delusion: belief said to be false by someone who does not share it.
- Thomas Szasz
As far as the laws of mathematics
refer to reality, they are not certain,
and as far as they are certain,
they do not refer to reality.
- Albert Einstein
Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth
until the hour of separation.
- Khalil Gibran
Only two things are infinite,
the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.