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Let these funny Cynical Quotes add some humor to your life. And check out many more Funny Quotes from my large collection.
Here are the opinions on which my facts are based.
- Anonymous
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde 
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields
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I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Religion is the masterpiece of the art of animal training,
for it trains people as to how they should think.
- Arthur Schopenhauer
Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)
Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
Life is like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute -
only the last couple seconds are fatal,
but most people are scared to death the whole way down.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous
Love is an irresistible desire
to be irresistibly desired.
- Robert Frost
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz
However beautiful the strategy,
you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde
Half the world is composed of idiots,
the other half, of people clever enough
to take indecent advantage of them.
- Walter Kerr
The food at this place is really terrible ...
and such small portions.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal
of meeting me is another matter.
- Winston Churchill
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde
You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase
I personally think we developed language
because of our deep need to complain.
- Lily Tomlin
The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine
There's nothing wrong with being afraid.
We were meant to be afraid.
- the Woody Allen movie Anything Else
Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous
They have come up with a perfect understanding.
He won't try to run her life,
and he won't try to run his, either.
- Anonymous
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
The future ain't what it used to be.
- Yogi Berra
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world.
I know because I've done it thousands of times.
- Mark Twain
The proper office of a friend is to side with you
when you are in the wrong.
Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.
- Mark Twain
If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- H. L. Mencken
I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
- H. L. Mencken
Look your best - who said love is blind?
- Mae West
I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen
You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous
The worst part of success is to try to find
someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman
Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious
as to have friends at a distance;
they make the latitudes and the longitudes.
- Henry David Thoreau
Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous
I feel the need to express something,
but I don't know what it is I want to express.
- the movie Interiors
If I had known what it would be like to have it all -
I might have been willing to settle for less.
- Lily Tomlin
One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin
Always forgive your enemies -
nothing annoys them so much.
- Oscar Wilde
Husbands should be like Kleenex:
soft, strong, and disposable.
- the movie Clue (1985)
When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death
Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove
Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
- the movie National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)
You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.