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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny Quotes to Live By

It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain

These quotes capture the subtle and ironic nature of life. These are not slapstick funny quotes, but truly wise quotes to live by that convey their important messages indirectly through the use of humor. Mark Twain and Oscar Wilde, among others, were masters of using humor to make important points.

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
- Mark Twain

Always listen to the experts. They'll tell you what can't be done and why. Then do it.
- Robert Heinlein

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde

Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama

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The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde

It is impossible to begin to learn that which one thinks one already knows.
- Epictetus

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
- Albert Einstein

Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
- James Dewar


Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain

Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer

Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
- George Eliot

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
- Oscar Wilde

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.
- Benjamin Franklin

A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
- Will Rogers

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
- Anonymous

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde

Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
- the movie Forrest Gump

The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you, it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous quote

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
- Oscar Wilde

History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
- Napoleon Bonaparte

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
- Mark Twain

Gossip is the art of saying nothing in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.
- Walter Winchell

Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
- Carl Sandburg

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor

Life is like a ten speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz

Humor is reason gone mad.
- Groucho Marx

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
- Mark Twain

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
- H. L. Mencken

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
- Winston Churchill

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
- Mark Twain

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas.
- H. L. Mencken

Love and Marriage

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles Schulz' Peanuts comic

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
- Robert Frost

Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench when there is plenty of room at both ends.
- Anonymous

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
- Jules Renard

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West


A lifelong friend is someone you haven't borrowed money from yet.
- Anonymous

Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.
- Anonymous

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde

Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.
- Anonymous

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson


Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
- Woody Allen

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer

Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
- Mark Twain

Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
- Benjamin Franklin

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
- Oscar Wilde

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
- Benjamin Franklin

Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.
- Oscar Wilde


Don't forget that the real message of these quotes is exactly the opposite of what they say.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
- Mark Twain

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein

Funny Quotes


All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.