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Let these funny Woody Allen Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year
for cheating on my metaphysics final ...
I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
I have a very low threshold of death.
My doctor says I can't have bullets enter my body at any time.
- the Woody Allen movie Casino Royale
I'm going to go in the bathroom and scream.
I'll be out in a minute.
- the Woody Allen movie What's New Pussycat
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The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage
is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories
There's nothing wrong with being afraid.
We were meant to be afraid.
- the Woody Allen movie Anything Else
I'm awash in self-contempt!
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point
I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)
You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)
Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
I don't believe in the after life,
although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen
The food at this place is really terrible ...
and such small portions.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- Woody Allen
All people know the same truth.
Our lives consist of how we chose to distort it.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
- Woody Allen
Money is better than poverty,
if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen
The lion and the calf shall lie down together,
but the calf won't get much sleep.
- Woody Allen
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen
You have no values. With you its all nihilism,
cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have,
instead of what you don't have.
- Woody Allen
It's just gossip, you know. Gossip is the new pornography.
- the Woody Allen movie Manhattan (1979)
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
- Woody Allen
I have a very pessimistic view of life.
You should know this about me if we're gonna go out.
You know, I - I feel that life is -
is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
Those are the two categories, you know.
The - the horrible would be like, um,
I don't know, terminal cases, you know,
and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life.
It's amazing to me. You know, and the miserable is everyone else.
That's - that's - so - so - when you go through life -
you should be thankful that you're miserable
because you're very lucky to be miserable.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
Life is like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute -
only the last couple seconds are fatal,
but most people are scared to death the whole way down.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie 
Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde
The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)
The trick is growing up without growing old.
- Casey Stengel
To the young child, all life is a great adventure -
when did we grow so dull and brittle.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back.
- Charles M. Schulz in his Peanuts cartoon
Life only
appears to be
rushing toward us
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born
at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
- Mark Twain
The difference between school and life?
In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test.
In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.
- Tom Bodett
Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
- John Lennon
No matter how much cats fight,
there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
- Abraham Lincoln
You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
Life is a journey - enjoy the journey.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain
Life is always lived in the eye-of-the-storm
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life is serious, get out your magic wand.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life is defined more by its contrasts than its samenesses;
Life is defined more by its risks than the many securities.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde
If life is a trial, who is the judge and jury?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl
could want in her life, except for good taste in men.
- Anonymous
It's never too late -
never too late to start over,
never too late to be happy.
- Jane Fonda
Life is a succession of lessons
which must be lived to be understood.
- Helen Keller
Sucking the marrow out of life
doesn't mean choking on the bone.
- Robin Williams as John Keating
in the 1989 movie Dead Poets Society
I can't go back to yesterday -
because I was a different person then.
- Lewis Carroll
Today is your day to laugh at life,
laugh at what's funny - laugh at what's sad,
laugh loud - laugh often,
laugh at me - laugh at you - laugh at life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something;
in the absence of good grounds for belief,
he will be satisfied with bad ones.
- Bertrand Russell
Success is failure recycled.
Life is death reborn.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Is today a day to gather strength from the storm -
a day to to learn life lessons for the next battle?
Or is today a day to sit by the fire
and watch the storm rage outside?
Either way, the storm is just life.
Give thanks for all of Life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Most men lead lives of quiet desperation
and go to the grave with the song still in them.
- Henry David Thoreau
Life is not supposed to be fair.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
You can observe a lot by just watching.
- Yogi Berra
Normal is not something to aspire to,
it's something to get away from.
- Jodie Foster
It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.