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Funny Movie Quotes

Funny Quotes from Movies - Funniest Movie Quotes

What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?
- Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)

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Funny Movie Quotes

Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.
- Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)

Fasten your safety belts, clench your buttocks! It's going be a bumpy ride!
- Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)

Sucking the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone.
- Dead Poets Society (1989)

I've always believed that if done properly, armed robbery doesn't have to be an unpleasant experience.
- Thelma & Louise (1991)

The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake.
- The Little Mermaid (1989)

Do not speak to me of rules. This is war! This is not a game of cricket!
- The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)

Stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills.
- When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)

Stupid is as stupid does.
- Forrest Gump (1994)

Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
- National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)

When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome. Then, of course, you spoke.
- As Good As It Gets (1997)

It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- Bridget Jones Diary (2001)

This is an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers.
- Bridget Jones Diary (2001)

I read that you should never go out with someone if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)

I truly believe that happiness is possible... even when you're thirty-three and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls.
- Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)

Funny Quotes from Movies

We have a great life here in Alaska, and we're never going back to America again!
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

There's a couple of things they don't teach you in Harvard Business School, one is how to cope with defeat, the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

Hey, Marge. Isn't it great being married to someone who's recklessly impulsive?
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

And you just gotta remember, Sparky - no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- Michael (1996)

Pie, pie, pie.
- Michael (1996)

It's cookies, he smells like cookies, and the smell gets stronger when he's in heat.
- Michael (1996)

I have faith. I just need proof to back it up.
- Simon Birch (1998)

You're already a bastard. Might as well be an enlightened one.
- Simon Birch (1998)

What does coffee and donuts have to do with God?
- Simon Birch (1998)

I was so jazzed about sobering up and starting a new life; I had to stop at a bar to get a drink just to calm down.
- Glee (2009 TV Series)

Funniest Movie Quotes

The time-traveling is just too dangerous. Better that I devote myself to study the other great mystery of the universe -- women!
- Back to the Future II (1989)

This town needs an enema.
- Batman (1989)

I'm not talking about lust. A woman in lust wants chocolate. A woman in love wants diamonds.
- How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003)

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
- Dr. Strangelove (1964)

Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed. But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops. Uh, depending on the breaks.
- Dr. Strangelove (1964)

Funny Movie Quotes of All Time

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- Shrek (2001)

You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
- Shrek (2001)

Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones!
- Shrek (2001)

Oh, Shrek. Don't worry. Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- Shrek 2 (2004)

Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack, is the capacity.
- Shrek 2 (2004)

It looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick!
- Shrek 2 (2004)

I don't care whose fault this was, just get it sorted! And could someone please bring me something deep fat fried and smothered in chocolate.
- Shrek 2 (2004)

Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you, unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- Shrek 2 (2004)

Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex.
- Shrek the Third (2007)

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have, and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- The Great Mouse Detective (1986)

I didn't make it all the way through third grade for nothing.
- The Rescuers Down Under (1990)

Funniest Movie Quotes of All Time

EVERYONE has the right to make an ass out of themselves.
- Harold and Maude (1971)

DON'T get officious. You're not yourself when you're officious - That is the curse of a government job.
- Harold and Maude (1971)

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it. You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- Zorba the Greek (1964)

I wanted to see exotic Vietnam, the jewel of Southeast Asia. I, uh, I wanted to meet interesting and stimulating people of an ancient culture, and kill them.
- Full Metal Jacket (1987)

Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of c*** about me not listening to her, or something. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- Dumb & Dumber (1994)

Famous Funny Movie Quotes

There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- Airplane! (1980)

Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- Spaceballs (1987)

What we got here is... failure to communicate.
- Cool Hand Luke (1967)

Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
- The Godfather, Part II (1974)

Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable.
- Clue (1985)

Go ahead, make my day.
- Sudden Impact (1983)

Best Funny Movie Quotes

Don't threaten me with a dead fish.
- Withnail & I (1987)

I don't advise a haircut, man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Hairs are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos, and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- Withnail & I (1987)

My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face.
- Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982)

She's been diagnosed as a paranoid hypochondriac. Doctors think she may be faking.
- Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982)

Crazy is walking down the street with half a cantaloupe on your head, muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."
- Spy Hard (1996)

Funniest Movie Quotes Ever - Woody Allen Movies

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
- Deconstructing Harry (1997)

The most important words in the English language are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- Deconstructing Harry (1997)

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
- Deconstructing Harry (1997)

Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down, but in the end the house always wins. Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- Deconstructing Harry (1997)

I think you're the opposite of a paranoid. I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- Deconstructing Harry (1997)

You have no values. With you its all nihilism, cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
- Deconstructing Harry (1997)

You want to do mankind a real service? Tell funnier jokes.
- Stardust Memories (1980)

You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only-only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.
- Stardust Memories (1980)

To you, I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
- Stardust Memories (1980)

I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- Celebrity (1998)

I'm awash in self-contempt!
- Celebrity (1998)

One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High and you f***ing blink and you're 40, you blink again and you can see movies at half price on a senior citizen's pass. Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately, ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- Celebrity (1998)

You have to learn to push the guilt under the rug and move on, otherwise it overwhelms you.
- Match Point (2005)

There's nothing wrong with being afraid. We were meant to be afraid.
- Anything Else (2003)

Fear of death ... That's funny. I have that too. My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.
- Anything Else (2003)

It's just gossip, you know. Gossip is the new pornography.
- Manhattan (1979)

I'm going to go in the bathroom and scream. I'll be out in a minute.
- What's New Pussycat (1965)

I have a very low threshold of death. My doctor says I can't have bullets enter my body at any time.
- Casino Royale (1966)

Don't worry about that chair with a hole in the middle. It's merely waiting to be reupholstered.
- Casino Royale (1966)

After fifteen minutes I wanted to marry her, and after half an hour I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.
- Take the Money and Run (1969)

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to.
- Interiors (1978)

I feel the need to express something, but I don't know what it is I want to express.
- Interiors (1978)

I got a perfect build for clothes. I'm a twenty-eight dwarf.
- Love and Death (1975)

The key is, to not think of death as an end, but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- Love and Death (1975)

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down.
- Love and Death (1975)

And you, Sonja, you look more beautiful standing here than you do in person.
- Love and Death (1975)

Oh, if only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once. Anything. One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- Love and Death (1975)

I have no fear of the gallows ... They're going to shoot me.
- Love and Death (1975)

If it turns out that there IS a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
- Love and Death (1975)

Oh no, I can't do anything to the death. Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition, and death is the worst thing for it.
- Love and Death (1975)

I have a very pessimistic view of life. You should know this about me if we're gonna go out. You know, I - I feel that life is - is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. Those are the two categories, you know. The - the horrible would be like, um, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. You know, and the miserable is everyone else. That's - that's - so - so - when you go through life - you should be thankful that you're miserable because you're very lucky to be miserable.
- Annie Hall (1977)

Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
- Annie Hall (1977)

I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
- Annie Hall (1977)

A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- Annie Hall (1977)

The food at this place is really terrible ... and such small portions.
- Annie Hall (1977)

Life ... full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.
- Annie Hall (1977)

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final ... I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- Annie Hall (1977)

Quotes from Funny Movies - Classic Movies

Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.
- Arsenic and Old Lace (1944)

It's not the men in your life that counts, it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, I'm No Angel (1933)

I got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
- Duck Soup (1933)

Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail of it.
- Duck Soup (1933)

I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed ma hair.
- The Cabin in the Cotton (1932)

If he's first class, I'm traveling steerage.
- Libeled Lady (1936)

She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
- Never Give a Sucker an Even Break (1941)

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- She Done Him Wrong (1933)

I can't stand a naked light bulb.
- A Streetcar Named Desire (1951)

Funny Movie Quotes 2010

My life is difficult. I need more money.
- The Expendables (2010)

Don't expect me to get excited over another damn thing we need to find.
- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010)

The world's mental.
- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010)

Frankly, I'm too scared to ask about the frog.
- Tangled (2010)

Still, things could be a lot worse. Oh, that's right... I'm falling to my death. Guess they can't.
- Megamind (2010)

Where did you park the invisible car?
- Megamind (2010)

Thank you for visiting these Funny Movie Quotes. I hope you got a chuckle from these Funniest Movie Quotes and Funny Quotes from Movies. Did you guess that I like funny quotes from Woody Allen movies best?

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.