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Funny Marriage Quotes

Funny Quotes about Marriage

It has been challenging to select funny marriage quotes that capture the nature of the institution of marriage without falling back upon stereotypes of male or female behavior that might be viewed as degrading, offensive, or unfairly gender-biased. I hope you find these funny quotes about marriage to be both humorous and insightful.

Funny Quotes about Marriage - Funny Marriage Quotes

Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

Marriage is a fine institution - but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken

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The four most important words in any marriage..."I'll do the dishes."
- Anonymous

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
- G. K. Chesterton


No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy;
if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

Funny Marriage Quotes and Sayings

Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

I love being married.
It's great to find that one special person who you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rudner

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
- Anonymous

A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.
- Grace Hansen

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
- Minnie Pearl

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

There are four stages in a marriage.
First there's the affair, then the marriage, then children
and finally the fourth stage, without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.
- Norman Mailer

When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner

Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Anonymous

When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland

After fifteen minutes I wanted to marry her,
and after half an hour I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.
- Take the Money and Run (1969)

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth
or burn down your house, you can never tell.
- Joan Crawford

My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.
- Anonymous

My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner

A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know?
It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- Annie Hall (1977)

The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec

We come to love not by finding the perfect person,
but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
- Angelina Jolie

I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003)

I hope you have enjoyed these funny marriage quotes and sayings.

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.