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Welcome to these Funny Quotes about Life. Let these Funny Life Quotes give you a new insight into the inspirational and the funny in life.
When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw
Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
- Oscar Wilde
It is better to be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.
-
Mark Twain
History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
-
Napoleon Bonaparte
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
-
Mark Twain
Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
- Mark Twain
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove
that you don't need it.
- Bob Hope
A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and
missionaries.
- Will Rogers
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying "boy was that
fun."
- The Maugles
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a
chance to get its pants on.
- Winston Churchill
Everyone should have at least two friends - one to talk to
and one to talk about.
- Anonymous
Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
- Anonymous
Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
- National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)
Forget love... I'd rather fall in chocolate.
- Anonymous
Friends are like bras:
close to your heart and there for support.
- Anonymous
Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
- Samuel Butler
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
- Dr. Strangelove (1964)
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot
water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
- Minnie Pearl
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is,
he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is
the ideal life.
- Mark Twain
Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
- Benjamin Franklin
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
- Mark Twain
Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
- James Dewar
When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
-
George Eliot
The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec
A lifelong friend is someone you haven't borrowed money from
yet.
- Anonymous
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin
A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
- Will Rogers
A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg
even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.
- Bernard Meltzer
A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to
smell your own flowers.
- Grace Hansen
A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably
wouldn't be in love.
- Mae West
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer
but wish we didn't
. -Erica Jong
All people know the same truth.
Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
- Woody Allen (Harry Block - Deconstructing Harry - 1997)
Always listen to the experts.
They'll tell you what can't be done and why.
Then do it.
- Robert Heinlein
An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help
you move a dead body.
- Jim Hayes
Apology is only egotism wrong side out.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be
said.
- Mel Brooks
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're
paying for.
- Will Rogers
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
- George Eliot
Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
and that's what parents were created for.
- Ogden Nash
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no
influence on society.
- Mark Twain
Crazy is walking down the street with half a cantaloupe on
your head, muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."
- Spy Hard (1996)
Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform
schools are for.
- Mae West
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish
the rest.
- Mark Twain
Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
- Mark Twain
Don't underestimate your abilities, that's your boss's job.
- Anonymous
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance
to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov
Save a boyfriend for a rainy day - and another, in case it
doesn't rain.
- Mae West
She's been diagnosed as a paranoid hypochondriac. Doctors
think she may be faking.
- Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982)
Some people are so heavenly minded that they are no earthly
good.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
Stupid is as stupid does.
- Forrest Gump (1994)
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of
Congress; but I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain
The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself
without one.
- Oscar Wilde
The four most important words in any marriage..."I'll
do the dishes."
- Anonymous
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
- Mark Twain
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- Woody Allen (Harry Block - Deconstructing Harry - 1997)
The only true love is love at first sight; second sight
dispels it.
- Israel Zangwill
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman
The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is
happy for you.
- Bette Midler
There's a couple of things they don't teach you in Harvard
Business School, one is how to cope with defeat, the other is how to handle a
shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
This is an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers.
- Bridget Jones Diary (2001)
To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love
is simply awful.
- Bess Myerson
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
- Anonymous
True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights.
If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
- Erich Segal
We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by
learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
- Angelina Jolie
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the
sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful
and his children smart.
- H. L. Mencken
What we got here is... failure to communicate.
- Cool Hand Luke (1967)
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first
name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
When we remember we are all mad,
the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain
When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you
look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain
Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is
time to pause and reflect.
- Mark Twain
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and
then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him
think.
- Milton Berle
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for
something, sometime in your life.
- Winston Churchill
You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't
talk.
- Shrek (2001)
You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut
afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen
Life is like a sewer...
what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most
of us that it is not.
- Oscar Wilde
Life is uncertain; always eat dessert first.
- Anonymous
Look your best - who said love is blind?
- Mae West
Love is a game that two can play and both win.
- Eva Gabor
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired
. - Robert Frost
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
- Anonymous
Love is loving what your lover loves.
- Anonymous
Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve
continuation of the species.
- W. Somerset Maugham
Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends.
- Anonymous
Love thy neighbor - and if he happens to be tall, debonair
and devastating, it will be that much easier.
- Mae West
Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of
people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.
- Walter Kerr
Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.
- H. L. Mencken
Heaven must be an awfully dull place if your best friends
end up elsewhere.
- Anonymous
History is the version of past events
that people have decided to agree upon.
- Napoleon Bonaparte
Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable.
- Clue (1985)
I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde
I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances
for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice
of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you
see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain
I feel the need to express something, but I don't know what
it is I want to express.
- Interiors (1978)
I have a very low threshold of death. My doctor says I can't
have bullets enter my body at any time.
- Casino Royale (1966)
I have faith. I just need proof to back it up.
- (Joe - Simon Birch - 1998)
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow
man, and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy
a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a
really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
I truly believe that happiness is possible... even when
you're thirty-three and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls.
- Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
I'm awash in self-contempt!
- Woody Allen (Lee Simon - Celebrity - 1998)
I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- Woody Allen (Robin Simon - Celebrity - 1998)
If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I
might have been willing to settle for less.
- Lily Tomlin
If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or
they'll kill you.
- Billy Wilder
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
- Anonymous
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain
It is better to be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth
and remove all doubt.
- Mark Twain
It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can
afford to be stupid with them.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
It takes a long time to grow an old friend.
- John Leonard
It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain
Jealousy is all the fun you think they had.
- Erica Jong
Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates.
You never know what you're gonna get.
- the movie Forrest Gump
Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Anonymous
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx
Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are
open.
- James Dewar
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom
we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde
Most people enjoy the inferiority of their best friends.
- Lord Chesterfield
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife
you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
My life has been filled with terrible misfortune;
most of which never happened.
- Michel Eyquem De Montaigne
Never interrupt someone doing what you said couldn't be
done.
- Amelia Earhart
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after
tomorrow.
- Mark Twain
No man is truly married until he understands every word his
wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like
unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles Schulz' Peanuts comic
Oh, if only God would give me some sign. If He would just
speak to me once. Anything. One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- Love and Death (1975)
Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown
is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
- Bertrand Russell
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a
dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.