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People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
-
Isaac Asimov
Caution, I took a day off from being nice, and assembled a collection of Sarcastic Quotes. I hope you will find these quotes funny, cute, or entertaining. It is not my purpose to offend anyone, and I have looked toward the more gentle and funny sarcasm of people such as Winston Churchill, Mark Twain, and Oscar Wilde.
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Be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you.
-
Tom Lehrer
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
-
Tom Lehrer
Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
-
Tom Lehrer
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
-
Mark Twain
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
-
Mark Twain
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
-
Mark Twain
Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
-
Mark Twain
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-
Mark Twain
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
-
Mark Twain
Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
-
Mark Twain
Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
- Mark Twain
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
-
Mark Twain
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
-
Mark Twain
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
-
Mark Twain
A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
-
Will Rogers
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
-
Oscar Wilde
By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.
-
Oscar Wilde
I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde
In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.
-
Oscar Wilde
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
-
Oscar Wilde
Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
-
Oscar Wilde
If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less.
-
Lily Tomlin
The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you.
-
Bette Midler
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- H. L. Mencken
Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West
A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably wouldn't be in love.
-
Mae West
Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.
-
Mae West
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
-
Oscar Wilde
One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
-
Oscar Wilde
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
-
W. C. Fields
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
-
Bob Hope
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
-
Winston Churchill
You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.
-
Winston Churchill
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
-
Will Rogers
A fool and his money are soon elected.
-
Will Rogers
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
-
Will Rogers
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
-
Mark Twain
We have the best government that money can buy.
-
Mark Twain
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.
-
Oscar Wilde
Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
-
Oscar Wilde
It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
-
Mark Twain
Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
-
Mark Twain
A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.
-
Will Rogers
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
-
George Carlin
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde
Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
-
Isaac Asimov
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
-
Mark Twain
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
-
Mark Twain
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
-
Mark Twain
Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
-
Mark Twain
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
-
Mark Twain
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-
Mark Twain
Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
-
Mark Twain
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
-
Mark Twain
Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
- Mark Twain
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
-
Mark Twain
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
-
Oscar Wilde
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
-
Mark Twain
I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde
A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
-
Will Rogers
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
-
Oscar Wilde
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde
By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.
-
Oscar Wilde
In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.
-
Oscar Wilde
Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
-
Oscar Wilde
See more Funny Sayings about Life and Love.
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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.