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Funny Quotes about Life
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Witty Quotes - Witty Sayings

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.
- Benjamin Franklin

Please enjoy the edge of humor in these quotes and sayings about life by such people as Mark Twain, H. L. Mencken, and Oscar Wilde. In contrast to the obvious humor of the typical "funny quote," a quote or saying that is "witty" generally carries a subtle twist of irony or sarcasm. In the words of Aristotle, "Wit is educated insolence." Try using some of these sayings for your Facebook profile or as status updates for your Facebook status.

Witty Quotes and Sayings

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde

Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
and that's what parents were created for.
- Ogden Nash

It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash


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Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
- Ogden Nash

Too clever is dumb.
- Ogden Nash

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein

Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
- Benjamin Franklin


 

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
- Benjamin Franklin

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin

Half a truth is often a great lie.
- Benjamin Franklin

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

At twenty years of age the will reigns; at thirty, the wit; and at forty, the judgment.
- Benjamin Franklin

Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age.
- H. L. Mencken

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
- H. L. Mencken

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
- H. L. Mencken

Apology is only egotism wrong side out.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
- Mark Twain

Be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer

Golf is a good walk spoiled.
- Mark Twain

Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer

Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas.
- H. L. Mencken

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
- Mark Twain

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
- Mark Twain

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
- Mark Twain

Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
- Mark Twain

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain

A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
- Will Rogers

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.
- Oscar Wilde

I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde

Sayings about Life

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
- Oscar Wilde

The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler

If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less.
- Lily Tomlin

I intend to live forever, or die trying.
- Groucho Marx

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken

The road to success is always under construction.
- Lily Tomlin

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- H. L. Mencken

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
- H. L. Mencken

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx

By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.
- Oscar Wilde

A witty saying proves nothing.
- Voltaire

Wit is the lowest form of humor.
- Alexander Pope

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns

Witty One Liners

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
- Bob Hope

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.
- Winston Churchill

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
- Winston Churchill

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
- H. L. Mencken

A fool and his money are soon elected.
- Will Rogers

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
- Will Rogers

We have the best government that money can buy.
- Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain

Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
- Oscar Wilde

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.
- Oscar Wilde

Some people are so heavenly minded that they are no earthly good.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Morality is the theory that every human act must be either right or wrong, and that 99 % of them are wrong.
- H. L. Mencken

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- H. L. Mencken

Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
- H. L. Mencken

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
- H. L. Mencken

Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
- Mark Twain

It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
- Mark Twain

A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.
- Will Rogers

Creationists make it sound as though a 'theory' is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night.
- Isaac Asimov

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin

Witty Comebacks

A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
- Will Rogers

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
- W. C. Fields

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.
- Albert Einstein

Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
- Mark Twain

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.
- Mel Brooks

Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
- Isaac Asimov

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.
- H. L. Mencken

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train.
- Anonymous

Too clever is dumb.
- Ogden Nash

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
- Anonymous

I love my attitude problem.
- Anonymous

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein

Life is uncertain; always eat dessert first.
- Anonymous

I intend to live forever, or die trying.
- Groucho Marx

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
- Anonymous

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.