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Let these funny H.L. Mencken Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken
Marriage is a wonderful institution,
but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- H. L. Mencken
Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
- H. L. Mencken
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Life is a constant oscillation
between the sharp horns of dilemmas.
- H. L. Mencken
Puritanism. The haunting fear that
someone, somewhere, may be happy.
- H. L. Mencken
For centuries, theologians have been explaining
the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- H. L. Mencken
Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
- H. L. Mencken
A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
- H. L. Mencken
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers,
looks around for a coffin.
- H. L. Mencken
Morality is the theory that every human act
must be either right or wrong,
and that 99 % of them are wrong.
- H. L. Mencken
For every complex problem,
there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.
- H.L. Mencken
The worst government is often the most moral.
One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane.
But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.
- H. L. Mencken
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief
in the occurrence of the improbable.
- H. L. Mencken
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
- H. L. Mencken
Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband
a month before she marries him
and what she thinks of him a year afterward,
and you will have the truth about him.
- H. L. Mencken
The urge to save humanity is almost always
a false front for the urge to rule.
- H. L. Mencken
Criticism is prejudice made plausible.
- H. L. Mencken
The objection to Puritans is not that
they try to make us think as they do,
but that they try to make us do as they think.
- H. L. Mencken
The believing mind is eternally impervious to evidence.
- H. L. Mencken
Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.
- H. L. Mencken
Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age.
- H. L. Mencken
The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed
(and hence clamorous to be led to safety)
by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins,
all of them imaginary.
- H. L. Mencken
It takes a long while for a naturally trustful person
to reconcile himself to the idea that
after all God will not help him
- H. L. Mencken
We must respect the other fellow's religion,
but only in the sense and to the extent
that we respect his theory that
his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
- H. L. Mencken
I believe that it is better to tell the truth than a lie.
I believe it is better to be free than to be a slave.
And I believe it is better to know than to be ignorant.
- H.L. Mencken
Love is an irresistible desire
to be irresistibly desired.
- Robert Frost 
Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West
The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter
quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
Love is like an hourglass,
with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
- Jules Renard
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
Love thy neighbor -
and if he happens to be tall,
debonair and devastating,
it will be that much easier.
- Mae West
The feeling of friendship is like that
of being comfortably filled with roast beef;
love, like being enlivened with champagne.
- Samuel Johnson
When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
True love is like ghosts,
which everyone talks about and few have seen.
- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Love is only a dirty trick played on us
to achieve continuation of the species.
- W. Somerset Maugham
Love is a grave mental disease.
- Plato
Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones!
- the movie Shrek (2001)
My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner
A honeymoon should be like a table:
four bare legs and no drawers.
- Anonymous
True love comes quietly,
without banners or flashing lights.
If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
- Erich Segal
Love is loving what your lover loves.
- Anonymous
Love is what makes two people
sit in the middle of a park bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends.
- Anonymous
The only true love is love at first sight;
second sight dispels it.
- Israel Zangwill
I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed ma hair.
- the movie The Cabin in the Cotton
A woman in love can't be reasonable -
or she probably wouldn't be in love.
- Mae West
Love is metaphysical gravity.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
Love looks through a telescope;
envy, through a microscope.
- Josh Billings
Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth
until the hour of separation.
- Khalil Gibran
The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine
One's first love is always perfect
until one meets one's second love.
- Elizabeth Aston
My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.
- Anonymous
Save a boyfriend for a rainy day -
and another, in case it doesn't rain.
- Mae West
A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)
I love to shop after a bad relationship.
I don't know. I buy a new outfit
and it makes me feel better. It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit,
I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner
This is my ultimate fantasy:
watching QVC with a credit card
while making love and eating at the same time.
- Yasmine Bleeth
Love me when I least deserve it,
because that's when I really need it.
- Swedish Proverb
Lord, grant that I might not so much
seek to be loved as to love.
- St. Francis of Assisi
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- Anonymous
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash
Beauty without grace is the hook without the bait.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin
Love one another but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea
between the shores of your souls.
- Khalil Gibran
This day I will marry my friend,
the one I laugh with, live for, dream with, love.
- Anonymous
Love Without Limits.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.