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Let these funny Gilded Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
All that glisters is not gold;
Often have you heard that told.
Many a man his life hath sold
but my outside to behold.
Gilded tombs do worms enfold.
- William Shakespeare
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand 
It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain
Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
"It's not that important,
don't worry about it" is the answer,
now what was the question?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Anonymous
Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers
It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein
I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove
Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
If you ask me anything I don't know,
I'm not going to answer.
- Yogi Berra
The objection to Puritans is not that
they try to make us think as they do,
but that they try to make us do as they think.
- H. L. Mencken
The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain
I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer
The function of muscle is to pull and not to push,
except in the case of the genitals and the tongue.
- Leonardo da Vinci
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing
for most of us that it is not.
- Oscar Wilde
It's not clutter, it's my unique filing system.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Although personally I am quite content with existing explosives,
I feel we must not stand in the path of improvement.
- Winston Churchill
For those who do not think,
it is best at least to rearrange
their prejudices once in a while.
- Luther Burbank
Faith: not wanting to know what is true.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.
- Epictetus
Silence is not always a Sign of Wisdom,
but Babbling is ever a folly.
- Benjamin Franklin
Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because
he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong
only because he has remained silent.
- Winston Churchill
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do;
the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
- Mary Wilson Little
It's not very heroic to slay dragons.
Dragons are generally very peaceful and well behaved.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer
The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.
- Marianne Williamson
The lawyer's truth is not Truth,
but consistency or a consistent expediency.
- Henry David Thoreau
I do not believe that civilization will be wiped out
in a war fought with the atomic bomb.
Perhaps two-thirds of the people of the earth will be killed.
- Albert Einstein
I am not afraid of storms
for I am learning how to sail my ship.
- Louisa May Alcott
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems,
but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
- Herm Albright
The existence of an anthropomorphic
"Father-figure" deity is not impossible,
merely exceptionally improbable and illogical.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Science is a wonderful thing
if one does not have to earn one's living at it.
- Albert Einstein
The trouble with the world is not
that people know too little,
but that they know so many things that ain't so.
- Mark Twain
One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
- Andre Gide
Contrary to general belief,
I do not believe that friends are necessarily
the people you like best,
they are merely the people who got there first.
- Peter Ustinov
It's not much of a tail, but I'm sort of attached to it.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)
I do not believe in using women in combat,
because females are too fierce.
- Margaret Mead
The faith that stands on authority is not faith.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Do not speak to me of rules.
This is war! This is not a game of cricket!
- from the movie The Bridge On The River Kwai
Do not take life too seriously.
You will never get out of it alive.
- Elbert Hubbard
Adventure is not outside man; it is within.
- George Eliot
Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Though I am a servant, I am not your servant.
- Ursula K. Le Guin
Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth
until the hour of separation.
- Khalil Gibran
The person who says it cannot be done
should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- Chinese proverb
It's not a mess.
It's a physical manifestation of
a wonderfully complex ability to
assess and compartmentalize information.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.