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Let these funny Bills Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Are you feeling stressed and upset?
If so, you are worrying about tomorrow.
Events that have already occurred may cause you regret,
but they only appear to cause worry.
If you just lost your job, you are not worrying about losing your job -
that already happened.
You are worrying about paying your bills and finding a new job.
Those are worries about tomorrow.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Procrastination is like a credit card:
it's a lot of fun until you get the bill.
- Christopher Parker
Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.
- Bill Cosby
People can be more forgiving than you can imagine.
But you have to forgive yourself.
Let go of what's bitter and move on.
- Bill Cosby
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A Bill of Rights is what the people are
entitled to against every government,
and what no just government should refuse, or rest on inference.
- Thomas Jefferson
To the world you may be one person,
but to one person you may be the world.
- Anonymous (attributed to Bill Wilson, Brandi Snyder and others)
Leaders are those who empower others.
- Bill Gates
Through humor, you can soften some
of the worst blows that life delivers.
And once you find laughter,
no matter how painful your situation might be,
you can survive it.
- Bill Cosby
I don't know the key to success,
but the key to failure is to try to please everyone.
- Bill Cosby
It's fine to celebrate success
but it is more important to heed the lessons of failure.
- Bill Gates
Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend.
- Bill Watterson
You can't be everything to everyone.
- Bill Cosby
Trust your own instinct.
Your mistakes might as well be your own,
instead of someone else's.
- Billy Wilder
If you're going to tell people the truth,
be funny or they'll kill you.
- Billy Wilder
Comfort and prosperity have never enriched
the world as much as adversity has.
- Billy Graham
More men fail through lack of purpose than lack of talent.
- Billy Sunday
Nothing can bring a real sense of security
into the home except true love.
- Billy Graham
Courage is contagious. When a brave man takes a stand,
the spines of others are often stiffened.
- Billy Graham
Hot heads and cold hearts never solved anything.
- Billy Graham
God has given us two hands, one to receive with
and the other to give with.
- Billy Graham
Prayer is simply a two-way conversation between you and God.
- Billy Graham
Love looks through a telescope;
envy, through a microscope.
- Josh Billings
Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are,
and doing things as they ought to be done.
- Josh Billings
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
- Groucho Marx
Training - training is everything; training is all there is to a person.
We speak of nature; it is folly; there is no such thing as nature;
what we call by that misleading name is merely heredity and training.
We have no thoughts of our own, no opinions of our own;
they are transmitted to us, trained into us.
All that is original in us, and therefore fairly creditable
or discreditable to us, can be covered up and hidden
by the point of a cambric needle, all the rest being atoms
contributed by, and inherited from, a procession of ancestors
that stretches back a billion years to the Adam-clam
or grasshopper or monkey from whom our race has been
so tediously and ostentatiously and unprofitably developed.
And as for me, all that I think about in this plodding sad pilgrimage,
this pathetic drift between the eternities,
is to look out and humbly live a pure and high and blameless life,
and save that one microscopic atom in me that is truly me:
the rest may land in Sheol and welcome for all I care.
- Mark Twain in A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court
Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz
Life is like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute -
only the last couple seconds are fatal,
but most people are scared to death the whole way down.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)
The trick is growing up without growing old.
- Casey Stengel
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde
The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
- John Lennon
The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous
In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back.
- Charles M. Schulz in his Peanuts cartoon
To the young child, all life is a great adventure -
when did we grow so dull and brittle.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life only
appears to be
rushing toward us
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life is serious, get out your magic wand.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
If life is a trial, who is the judge and jury?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
Life is a journey - enjoy the journey.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
No matter how much cats fight,
there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
- Abraham Lincoln
The difference between school and life?
In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test.
In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.
- Tom Bodett
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain
Life is defined more by its contrasts than its samenesses;
Life is defined more by its risks than the many securities.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Life is always lived in the eye-of-the-storm
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born
at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
- Mark Twain
Most men lead lives of quiet desperation
and go to the grave with the song still in them.
- Henry David Thoreau
Anyone who isn't confused,
really doesn't understand the situation.
- Edward R. Murrow
When dealing with people, remember you are
not dealing with creatures of logic,
but creatures of emotion.
- Dale Carnegie
You don't have the power to make life "fair,"
but you do have the power to make life joyful.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life is a succession of lessons
which must be lived to be understood.
- Helen Keller
Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something;
in the absence of good grounds for belief,
he will be satisfied with bad ones.
- Bertrand Russell
Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
- the movie National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)
Any idiot can face a crisis.
It's the day-to-day living that wears you out.
- Anton Chekhov
It's never too late -
never too late to start over,
never too late to be happy.
- Jane Fonda
They have come up with a perfect understanding.
He won't try to run her life,
and he won't try to run his, either.
- Anonymous
Life is really simple,
but we insist on making it complicated.
- Confucius
I have found that if you love life,
life will love you back.
- Arthur Rubinstein
We have a great life here in Alaska,
and we're never going back to America again!
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
All people know the same truth.
Our lives consist of how we chose to distort it.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Happiness is a figment of the imagination.
Imagine happiness.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Stay Happy, never let anyone get your goat.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I don't believe in the after life,
although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.