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Let these funny Credit Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Never call an accountant a credit to his profession;
a good accountant is a debit to his profession.
- Charles Lyell
This is my ultimate fantasy:
watching QVC with a credit card
while making love and eating at the same time.
- Yasmine Bleeth
What this country needs is a credit card for
charging things to experience.
- Tom Wilson
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase
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There are two kinds of people,
those who do the work,
and those who take the credit.
Try to be in the first group;
there is less competition there.
- Indira Gandhi
Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother
rather than all major credit cards.
- Robert Orben
Credit is a system whereby a person who can't pay
gets another person who can't pay
to guarantee that he can pay.
- Charles Dickens
Procrastination is like a credit card:
it's a lot of fun until you get the bill.
- Christopher Parker
It is only the poor who pay cash,
and that not from virtue,
but because they are refused credit.
- Anatole France
Only aim to do your duty,
and mankind will give you credit where you fail.
- Thomas Jefferson
It is amazing how much you can accomplish
when it doesn't matter who gets the credit.
- Anonymous
We are not to give credit to the many,
who say that none ought to be educated but the free;
but rather to the philosophers,
who say that the well-educated alone are free.
- Epictetus
Friendship, like credit, is highest when it is not used.
- Elbert Hubbard
There is no limit to what a man can do
or where he can go,
if he doesn't mind who gets the credit.
- Robert Woodruff
It stands to the everlasting credit of science
that by acting on the human mind
it has overcome man's insecurity
before himself and before nature.
- Albert Einstein
The Spirit is described in the Holy Scriptures
as much more anarchic than any established religion credits.
- Bono
Social progress can be measured
by the social position of the female sex.
- Karl Marx
(German philosopher and political economist
whose ideas are credited as the foundation of modern communism)
Training - training is everything; training is all there is to a person.
We speak of nature; it is folly; there is no such thing as nature;
what we call by that misleading name is merely heredity and training.
We have no thoughts of our own, no opinions of our own;
they are transmitted to us, trained into us.
All that is original in us, and therefore fairly creditable
or discreditable to us, can be covered up and hidden
by the point of a cambric needle, all the rest being atoms
contributed by, and inherited from, a procession of ancestors
that stretches back a billion years to the Adam-clam
or grasshopper or monkey from whom our race has been
so tediously and ostentatiously and unprofitably developed.
And as for me, all that I think about in this plodding sad pilgrimage,
this pathetic drift between the eternities,
is to look out and humbly live a pure and high and blameless life,
and save that one microscopic atom in me that is truly me:
the rest may land in Sheol and welcome for all I care.
- Mark Twain in A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court
Religion is the masterpiece of the art of animal training,
for it trains people as to how they should think.
- Arthur Schopenhauer
Who hears me, who understands me, becomes mine,
a possession for all time.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
We make sacred pact. I promise teach
karate to you, you promise learn.
I say, you do, no questions.
- Miyagi: character in the movie Karate Kid
You cannot teach a man anything;
you can only help him find it within himself.
- Galileo Galilei
Training yourself to live in the present -
without regretting the past or fearing the future -
is a recipe for a happy life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Not every difficult and dangerous thing
is suitable for training,
but only that which is conducive to success
in achieving the object of our effort.
- Epictetus
We are strange beings, we seem
to go free, but we go in chains -
chains of training, custom, convention,
association, environment -
in a word, Circumstance -
and against these bonds
the strongest of us struggle in vain.
- Mark Twain
From the way most people live,
one would never guess that humans are beings of free will.
Repetition can be a choice, but often it isn't.
The athlete or pianist who practices the same routine
day after day, year after year, has their eye on a goal.
The unending repetition is a conscious choice
in the pursuit of a life dream.
But what about the sameness of most lives?
Observe the morning commute, the after-work drink,
the Sunday football game or religious service -
how many of those people are consciously following their dream,
training their mind, body, and spirit through that daily repetition?
And how many are mindlessly slogging through each day
out of habit and boredom?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
During his training, a baseball player strives
to make each swing better than the last.
The repetition of a faulty swing would be worse than useless.
It would ingrain bad habits.
The same is true of emotional responses.
If we allow ourselves to continue to have the same angry responses,
we just entrench our anger habit.
But if we strive - through consciousness, visualization, and coaching -
to moderate our anger response,
over time, we can train ourselves to respond
to events as we choose - without anger.
You can't magically be free from anger tomorrow,
but you can put yourself on your own training program
that will reduce the frequency and intensity
of your anger response day by day, year by year.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I am trying to own my own opinions
and offer what I know as an option,
just as I would present a tray of appetizers for my guests.
Here are several choices that I have created -
if one looks good you are welcome to take it.
In other words, I am training myself to say,
"May I tell you how it is for me?"
When I ask the question, it means waiting
for the invitation to share.
It also means being prepared for my friend to say,
"No." They don't want to know.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain
Almost any sect, cult, or religion will
legislate its creed into law
if it acquires the political power.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death
Anyone who can worship a trinity
and insist that his religion is a monotheism
can believe anything.
- Robert A Heinlein
I don't doubt God. I have firm faith absolutely in God.
It's religion I'm doubting.
- Bono
An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it.
- Don Marquis
The invisible and nonexistent look much alike.
- Delos B. McKown
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Puritanism. The haunting fear that
someone, somewhere, may be happy.
- H. L. Mencken
We are all atheists about most of the gods
that societies have ever believed in.
Some of us just go one god further.
- Richard Dawkins
Morality is the theory that every human act
must be either right or wrong,
and that 99 % of them are wrong.
- H. L. Mencken
You can safely assume that you've
created God in your own image
when it turns out that God hates
all the same people you do.
- Anne Lamott
I don't know which will go first - rock 'n' roll or Christianity.
- John Lennon
Every man prefers belief to the exercise of judgment.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Jesus was all right,
but his disciples were thick and ordinary.
It's them twisting it that ruins it for me.
- John Lennon
The believer's ray of light is the cynic's sunburn.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Computers are like Old Testament gods;
lots of rules and no mercy.
- Joseph Campbell
If we were meant to be happy,
why did God create war, hunger, and the 11 o'clock news?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep,
one must above all be a sheep oneself.
- Albert Einstein
Never trust spiritual leader who doesn't dance.
- Miyagi: character in the movie The Next Karate Kid
God is a concept by which we measure our pain.
- John Lennon
The way I see it, it doesn't matter what you believe,
just so you're sincere.
- Linus Van Pelt in Charles M. Schulz' Go Fly A Kite, Charlie Brown
It is the things for which there is no evidence
that are believed with passion.
- Bertrand Russell
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
- Pope John Paul I
If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain
The existence of an anthropomorphic
"Father-figure" deity is not impossible,
merely exceptionally improbable and illogical.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Interesting.
You Earth people glorify organized violence for 40 centuries,
but you imprison those who employ it privately.
- the character Spock in the television series Star Trek
The way to silence religious disputes is to take no notice of them.
- Thomas Jefferson
The objection to Puritans is not that
they try to make us think as they do,
but that they try to make us do as they think.
- H. L. Mencken
The faith that stands on authority is not faith.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
It ain't those parts of the Bible
that I can't understand that bother me,
it is the parts that I do understand.
- Mark Twain
Question with boldness even the existence of a God;
because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason,
than that of blind-folded fear.
- Thomas Jefferson
Creationists make it sound as though a "theory'
is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night.
- Isaac Asimov
For centuries, theologians have been explaining
the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- H. L. Mencken
The essence of all religions is one.
Only their approaches are different.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Random chance seems to have operated in our favor ...
there was no deity involved.
- Spock character in the Star Trek television series
Anyone who thinks sitting in church
can make you a Christian must also think
that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
- Garrison Keillor
In every country and every age,
the priest had been hostile to Liberty.
- Thomas Jefferson
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
The church is always trying to get other people to reform;
it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little,
by way of example.
- Mark Twain
You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.