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Let these funny Wife Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill
I have often wanted to drown my troubles,
but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
- Anonymous
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
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My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.
- Anonymous
Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus
My advice to you is get married:
if you find a good wife you'll be happy;
if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde
My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years
to have breakfast together,
but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.
- Winston Churchill
By all means marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher
and that is a good thing for any man.
- Socrates
We must respect the other fellow's religion,
but only in the sense and to the extent
that we respect his theory that
his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
- H. L. Mencken
Choose a friend as thou dost a wife,
till death separate you.
- William Penn
A son is a son till he takes him a wife,
a daughter is a daughter all of her life.
- Irish Traditional
A man cannot speak to his son, but as a father;
to his wife, but as a husband;
to his enemy, but upon terms:
whereas a friend may speak, as the case requires,
and not as it sorteth with the person.
- Francis Bacon
Never in any case say I have lost such a thing, but I have returned it.
Is your child dead? It is a return. Is your wife dead? It is a return.
Are you deprived of your estate? Is not this also a return?
- Epictetus
Do real life people actually fall in love
with the idea of being in love?
Unfortunately, it is actually quite common.
Someone wants desperately to have
the husband or wife of their dreams.
They visualize the vine-covered cottage
with the white picket fence.
They choose the colors for the nursery.
They design all the aspects of their married life.
A real person stands no chance of measuring up to those fantasies.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
You shall not covet your neighbor's house;
you shall not covet your neighbor's wife,
nor his male servant, nor his female servant,
nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.
- Exodus 20:17
When you are alone you are not alone,
you are simply lonely -
and there is a tremendous difference
between loneliness and aloneness.
When you are lonely you are thinking of the other,
you are missing the other.
Loneliness is a negative state.
You are feeling that it would have been
better if the other were there -
your friend, your wife, your mother,
your beloved, your husband.
It would have been good if the other
were there, but the other is not.
Loneliness is absence of the other.
Aloneness is the presence of oneself.
Aloneness is very positive.
It is a presence, overflowing presence.
You are so full of presence
that you can fill the whole universe
with your presence and there is no need for anybody.
- Osho
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen
Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
A man is usually more careful of his money
than he is of his principles.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Give the right man two fishes and some bread,
and he will feed the world;
give the wrong man two fishes and some bread
and he will invent the fast-food fish sandwich.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
It is sad but unfortunately true that
man learns nothing from history.
- Carl Jung
Adventure is not outside man; it is within.
- George Eliot
A clever man commits no minor blunders.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
God must love the common man, he made so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln
The way for a young man to rise is
to improve himself in every way he can,
never suspecting that anybody wishes to hinder him.
- Abraham Lincoln
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something;
in the absence of good grounds for belief,
he will be satisfied with bad ones.
- Bertrand Russell
Man's role is uncertain, undefined, and perhaps unnecessary.
- Margaret Mead
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything
and the value of nothing.
- Oscar Wilde
I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I
If it keeps up, man will atrophy
all his limbs but the push-button finger.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
- Albert Schweitzer
The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain
Books serve to show a man
that those original thoughts of his
aren't very new at all.
- Abraham Lincoln
Every man prefers belief to the exercise of judgment.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
The civilized man has built a coach,
but has lost the use of his feet.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Beauty is the bait which with delight
allures man to enlarge his kind.
- Socrates
Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Never stir up litigation.
A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this.
- Abraham Lincoln
The man of science is a poor philosopher.
- Albert Einstein
If you can not answer a man's argument,
all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
- Elbert Hubbard
A man can't be too careful in the choice of enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.
- Stanley Baldwin
A conservative is a man who is
too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
- Elbert Hubbard
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.