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Let these funny Elsewhere Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Heaven must be an awfully dull place
if your best friends end up elsewhere.
- Anonymous
When your whole family is loving and supportive, it is a great blessing.
But when family members are indifferent or hostile, release your expectations,
and find the love and support you need elsewhere.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain
Marriage is neither heaven nor hell,
it is simply purgatory.
- Abraham Lincoln
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Trees are the earth's endless effort
to speak to the listening heaven.
- Rabindranath Tagore
A happy family is but an earlier heaven.
- George Bernard Shaw
If a man is called to be a street sweeper,
he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted,
or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry.
He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts
of heaven and earth will pause to say,
here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Parting is all we know of heaven, and all we need of hell.
- Emily Dickinson
All religions must be tolerated...
for every man must get to heaven in his own way.
- Epictetus
Practice yourself, for heaven's sake in little things,
and then proceed to greater.
- Epictetus
To everything there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die.
- Ecclesiastes 3:1
Thy Return is as another Sun to Heaven;
a new Rose blooming in the Garden of the Soul.
- Omar Khayyam
Heaven means to be one with God.
- Confucius
Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads.
- Henry David Thoreau
Great indeed is the sublimity of the Creative,
to which all beings owe their beginning
and which permeates all heaven.
- Lao Tzu
The quality of mercy is not strained.
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath. It is twice blest:
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.
- William Shakespeare
Sing like no one's listening,
love like you've never been hurt,
dance like nobody's watching,
and live like its heaven on earth.
- Mark Twain
To see the world in a grain of sand,
and to see heaven in a wild flower,
hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
and eternity in an hour.
- William Blake
It is better to conquer yourself
than to win a thousand battles.
Then the victory is yours.
It cannot be taken from you,
not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.
- The Buddha
Heaven is within us, and we experience it
to the degree that we become conscious of it.
- Ernest Holmes
Dear Father in heaven, I'm not a praying man,
but if you're up there and you can hear me ...
show me the way... show me the way.
- It's a Wonderful Life (1946 movie)
Without stirring abroad,
One can know the whole world;
Without looking out of the window,
One can see the way of heaven.
The further one goes, The less one knows.
- Lao Tzu
Love like you've never been hurt,
dance like no one is watching,
live as though heaven is on earth.
- Satchel Paige
Dance like no one is watching,
love like you'll never be hurt.
Sing like no one is listening.
Live life like it's heaven on earth.
- Anonymous (various attributions and alternate phrasings)
Trees go wandering forth in all directions with every wind,
going and coming like ourselves,
traveling with us around the sun two million miles a day,
and through space heaven knows how fast and far!
- John Muir
May God grant you always...
A sunbeam to warm you,
a moonbeam to charm you,
a sheltering Angel so nothing can harm you.
Laughter to you.
Faithful friends near you.
And whenever you pray,
Heaven to hear you.
- Irish Blessing
The things that have acquired unity are these:
Heaven by unity has become clear;
Earth by unity has become steady;
The Spirit by unity has become spiritual;
The Valley by unity has become full;
All things by unity have come into existence.
- Lao Tzu
There's a big difference between a handout and a helping hand.
One's charity, the other's friendship.
- Little Joe' Cartwright in Bonanza - Rain from Heaven
Our life of poverty is as necessary as the work itself.
Only in heaven will we see how much we owe to the poor
for helping us to love God better because of them.
- Mother Teresa
I feel no need for any other faith
than my faith in the kindness of human beings.
I am so absorbed in the wonder of earth and the life upon it
that I cannot think of heaven and angels.
- Pearl S. Buck
Jesus preached more and taught more
about helping the poor and the sick and the hungry
than he did about heaven and hell.
Shouldn't that tell us something?
- John Grisham
Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz
Life is like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute -
only the last couple seconds are fatal,
but most people are scared to death the whole way down.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed ma hair.
- the movie The Cabin in the Cotton
I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer
It's cookies, he smells like cookies,
and the smell gets stronger when he's in heat.
- the movie Michael
Husbands should be like Kleenex:
soft, strong, and disposable.
- the movie Clue (1985)
It looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick!
- the movie Shrek 2 (2004)
Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
- H. L. Mencken
A honeymoon should be like a table:
four bare legs and no drawers.
- Anonymous
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
Nothing echoes like an empty mailbox.
- Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
Love is like an hourglass,
with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
- Jules Renard
If I had known what it would be like to have it all -
I might have been willing to settle for less.
- Lily Tomlin
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter
quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic
Self confident independent thinker -
sounds like the makings of a hero.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Contrary to general belief,
I do not believe that friends are necessarily
the people you like best,
they are merely the people who got there first.
- Peter Ustinov
I don't like to think of laws
as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
- George Carlin
Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
- Benjamin Franklin
I like a man who grins when he fights.
- Winston Churchill
True love is like ghosts,
which everyone talks about and few have seen.
- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
When I hear a man preach,
I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.
- Abraham Lincoln
Too many people spend money they haven't earned,
to buy things they don't want,
to impress people they don't like.
- Will Rogers
I have spent many years of my life in opposition,
and I rather like the role.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
I am always ready to learn
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
Life is like a sewer...
what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer
Procrastination is like a credit card:
it's a lot of fun until you get the bill.
- Christopher Parker
Advice is seldom welcome,
and those who need it the most, like it the least.
- Lord Chesterfield
Computers are like Old Testament gods;
lots of rules and no mercy.
- Joseph Campbell
Politics is like football; if you see daylight, go through the hole.
- John F. Kennedy
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
- Minnie Pearl
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.