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Let these funny Hell Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain
Marriage is neither heaven nor hell,
it is simply purgatory.
- Abraham Lincoln
Why wait until you're dead,
when you can create your own Hell right here and now.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Some days just go to Hell faster than others.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
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If Hitler invaded hell
I would make at least a favorable reference
to the devil in the House of Commons.
- Winston Churchill
The ad agency's name for Hell is "Las Vegas."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Hell is living with someone who complains, whines, and argues.
- Anonymous
Parting is all we know of heaven, and all we need of hell.
- Emily Dickinson
Being angry is as close as a human being
can come to experiencing hell on earth.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
If you are going through hell, keep going.
- Winston Churchill
The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those
who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
An "enemy" is a mirage -
an image of self reflected on the sands of Hell.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure.
I make mistakes, I am out of control
and at times hard to handle.
But if you can't handle me at my worst,
then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
- Marilyn Monroe
It is better to conquer yourself
than to win a thousand battles.
Then the victory is yours.
It cannot be taken from you,
not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.
- The Buddha
When our thoughts - which bring actions -
are filled with hate against anyone, Negro or white,
we are in a living hell.
That is as real as hell will ever be.
- George Washington Carver
Jesus preached more and taught more
about helping the poor and the sick and the hungry
than he did about heaven and hell.
Shouldn't that tell us something?
- John Grisham
My God, this is a hell of a job. I have no trouble with my enemies.
I can take care of my enemies all right.
But my damn friends, my goddamn friends.
They're the ones that keep me walking the floor at night.
- Warren G. Harding
Drop guilt! - because to be guilty is to live in hell.
Not being guilty, you will have the freshness
of dewdrops in the early morning sun,
you will have the freshness of lotus petals in the lake,
you will have the freshness of the stars in the night.
Once guilt disappears you will have
a totally different kind of life, luminous and radiant.
You will have a dance to your feet
and your heart will be singing a thousand and one songs.
- Osho
Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz
Life is like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute -
only the last couple seconds are fatal,
but most people are scared to death the whole way down.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Nothing echoes like an empty mailbox.
- Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
It's cookies, he smells like cookies,
and the smell gets stronger when he's in heat.
- the movie Michael
Love is like an hourglass,
with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
- Jules Renard
When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)
Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
Husbands should be like Kleenex:
soft, strong, and disposable.
- the movie Clue (1985)
Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
- H. L. Mencken
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
A honeymoon should be like a table:
four bare legs and no drawers.
- Anonymous
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter
quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic
If I had known what it would be like to have it all -
I might have been willing to settle for less.
- Lily Tomlin
Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer
It looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick!
- the movie Shrek 2 (2004)
I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed ma hair.
- the movie The Cabin in the Cotton
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci
I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Advice is seldom welcome,
and those who need it the most, like it the least.
- Lord Chesterfield
I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
- Minnie Pearl
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
- Steve Martin
Life is like a roller coaster - scream Whee... on the way down,
and let the momentum carry you back up the next hill.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I want a girl just like good old mom,
who is different in every way.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Technological progress is like an axe
in the hands of a pathological criminal.
- Albert Einstein
Being a leader is like being a lady,
if you have to go around telling people you are one, you aren't.
- Margaret Thatcher
I have spent many years of my life in opposition,
and I rather like the role.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
His answer trickled through my head like water through a sieve.
- Lewis Carroll
A wedding is just like a funeral
except that you get to smell your own flowers.
- Grace Hansen
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it
seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour
and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
- Groucho Marx
Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
- Anonymous
Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
- Benjamin Franklin
The feeling of friendship is like that
of being comfortably filled with roast beef;
love, like being enlivened with champagne.
- Samuel Johnson
Life is like a sewer...
what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer
An excellent man;
he has no enemies;
and none of his friends like him.
- Oscar Wilde
It's so sweet, I feel like my teeth
are rotting when I listen to the radio.
- Bono
When I hear a man preach,
I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.
- Abraham Lincoln
Contrary to general belief,
I do not believe that friends are necessarily
the people you like best,
they are merely the people who got there first.
- Peter Ustinov
Procrastination is like a credit card:
it's a lot of fun until you get the bill.
- Christopher Parker
Computers are like Old Testament gods;
lots of rules and no mercy.
- Joseph Campbell
Chanting OM is sort of like MOOing backward.
- Anonymous
I like a man who grins when he fights.
- Winston Churchill
Things have never been more like the way they are today in history.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Gods always behave like the people who make them.
- Zora Neale Hurston
There is so much that must be done
in a civilized barbarism like war.
- Amelia Earhart
Always remember that you are absolutely unique.
Just like everyone else.
- Margaret Mead
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.