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Let these funny Everett Dirksen Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields 
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin
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A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill
Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
We are born believing.
A man bears beliefs as a tree bears apples.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
An excellent man;
he has no enemies;
and none of his friends like him.
- Oscar Wilde
It appears to be a law that you cannot have
a deep sympathy with both man and nature.
- Henry David Thoreau
The reason why the world lacks unity,
and lies broken and in heaps,
is, because man is disunited with himself.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
A man can't be too careful in the choice of enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you.
- Carl Jung
The savage in man is never quite eradicated.
- Henry David Thoreau
You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous
Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
- Winston Churchill
Every man thinks God is on his side.
- Jean Anouilh
I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.
- Stanley Baldwin
I like a man who grins when he fights.
- Winston Churchill
Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help,
and what he cannot help.
- Thomas Fuller
I know that God made the whole world in 4004 BC.
I know because my preacher told me. He's a good man.
He's even saving up all the money we give him
to go to bible college someday.
- Anonymous Humor
Never stir up litigation.
A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this.
- Abraham Lincoln
Man can hardly even recognize the devils of his own creation.
- Albert Schweitzer
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer
It is sad but unfortunately true that
man learns nothing from history.
- Carl Jung
Man's nature is not essentially evil.
Brute nature has been known to
yield to the influence of love.
You must never despair of human nature.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus
Every man prefers belief to the exercise of judgment.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
The man who can smile when things go wrong
has thought of someone else he can blame it on.
- Robert Bloch
Adventure is not outside man; it is within.
- George Eliot
If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin
Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something;
in the absence of good grounds for belief,
he will be satisfied with bad ones.
- Bertrand Russell
Give the right man two fishes and some bread,
and he will feed the world;
give the wrong man two fishes and some bread
and he will invent the fast-food fish sandwich.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The power of man has grown in every sphere, except over himself.
- Winston Churchill
Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
An intellectual is a man
who takes more words than necessary
to tell more than he knows.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Beauty is the bait which with delight
allures man to enlarge his kind.
- Socrates
Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because
he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong
only because he has remained silent.
- Winston Churchill
A man is usually more careful of his money
than he is of his principles.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers,
looks around for a coffin.
- H. L. Mencken
I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I
A benevolent man should allow a few faults in himself,
to keep his friends in countenance.
- Benjamin Franklin
The man of science is a poor philosopher.
- Albert Einstein
When I hear a man preach,
I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.
- Abraham Lincoln
A conservative is a man who is
too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
- Elbert Hubbard
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.