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Let these funny Perverted Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Experience hath shown, that even
under the best forms of government,
those entrusted with power have,
in time, and by slow operations,
perverted it into tyranny.
- Thomas Jefferson
As selfishness and complaint
pervert and cloud the mind,
so love with its joy
clears and sharpens the vision.
- Helen Keller
We the people are the rightful masters
of both Congress and the courts,
not to overthrow the Constitution
but to overthrow the men who pervert the Constitution.
- Abraham Lincoln
Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live,
it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
- Oscar Wilde
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Jealousy is a child of selfishness and distrust.
- Mourning Dove
Manifest plainness, embrace simplicity,
reduce selfishness, have few desires.
- Lao Tzu
Personal importance, or taking things personally,
is the maximum expression of selfishness
because we make the assumption that everything is about me.
- don Miguel Ruiz
Every man must decide whether he will
walk in the light of creative altruism
or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Great achievement is usually born of great sacrifice,
and is never the result of selfishness.
- Napoleon Hill
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
"It's not that important,
don't worry about it" is the answer,
now what was the question?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain
Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death
Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)
Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein
Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Anonymous
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
The function of muscle is to pull and not to push,
except in the case of the genitals and the tongue.
- Leonardo da Vinci
The rich are not born skeptical or cynical.
They are made that way by events, circumstances.
- Paul Getty
I think that there is nothing, not even crime,
more opposed to poetry, to philosophy, ay, to life itself
than this incessant business.
- Henry David Thoreau
I am always ready to learn
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
The mind is not a vessel to be filled
but a fire to be kindled.
- Plutarch
I am not young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do;
the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
- Mary Wilson Little
Only two things are infinite,
the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein
One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
Am I not destroying my enemies
when I make friends of them?
- Abraham Lincoln
If you ask me anything I don't know,
I'm not going to answer.
- Yogi Berra
Adventure is not outside man; it is within.
- George Eliot
Normal is not something to aspire to,
it's something to get away from.
- Jodie Foster
Genius may have its limitations,
but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
- Elbert Hubbard
Contrary to general belief,
I do not believe that friends are necessarily
the people you like best,
they are merely the people who got there first.
- Peter Ustinov
For those who do not think,
it is best at least to rearrange
their prejudices once in a while.
- Luther Burbank
Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because
he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong
only because he has remained silent.
- Winston Churchill
The existence of an anthropomorphic
"Father-figure" deity is not impossible,
merely exceptionally improbable and illogical.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Do not bite at the bait of pleasure,
till you know there is no hook beneath it.
- Thomas Jefferson
I do not believe that civilization will be wiped out
in a war fought with the atomic bomb.
Perhaps two-thirds of the people of the earth will be killed.
- Albert Einstein
My advice to you is get married:
if you find a good wife you'll be happy;
if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth
until the hour of separation.
- Khalil Gibran
It's not clutter, it's my unique filing system.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Delusion: belief said to be false by someone who does not share it.
- Thomas Szasz
Do not use a hatchet to remove
a fly from your friend's forehead.
- Chinese Proverb
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
- Ursula K. Le Guin
One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
- Andre Gide
Do not speak to me of rules.
This is war! This is not a game of cricket!
- from the movie The Bridge On The River Kwai
I do not fear death.
I had been dead for billions and billions
of years before I was born,
and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
- Mark Twain
I once had a rose named after me
and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue:
no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.