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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
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No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin
Honesty may be the best policy,
but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- George Carlin
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,
he no longer is.
- George Carlin
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin
Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I'd have to say that the universe
aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- George Carlin
Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin
If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
- George Carlin
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin
I don't like to think of laws
as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
- George Carlin
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them;
I loathe and despise the groups
they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin
So far, this is the oldest I've been.
- George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- George Carlin
If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance:
It attempts to work things out so that
everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
- George Carlin
Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do
every minute of every day. And the invisible man
has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do.
And if you do any of these things,
he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire
and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein
No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary
Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles
One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin
Question with boldness even the existence of a God;
because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason,
than that of blind-folded fear.
- Thomas Jefferson
The best thing about the future is
that it comes one day at a time.
- Abraham Lincoln
One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar.
- Helen Keller
A good indignation brings out all one's powers.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous
No one was ever named "Hero" for following the crowd.
Heroes set their own course.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
There is only one thing about which I am certain,
and that is that there is very little
about which one can be certain.
- W. Somerset Maugham
In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep,
one must above all be a sheep oneself.
- Albert Einstein
The essence of all religions is one.
Only their approaches are different.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous
One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche
You can always do one thing less than you think you can.
- Anonymous
Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.
- Terry Pratchett
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein
One should never trust a woman who tells her real age.
If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
- Oscar Wilde
One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
Being a leader is like being a lady,
if you have to go around telling people you are one, you aren't.
- Margaret Thatcher
A New Year's resolution is something that
goes in one Year and out the other.
- Anonymous
She drove me to drink.
That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
- the movie Never Give a Sucker an Even Break
When written in Chinese, the word "crisis"
is composed of two characters.
One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.
- John F. Kennedy
The best way to appreciate your job
is to imagine yourself without one.
- Oscar Wilde
The greatest mistake you can make in life
is to be continually fearing you will make one.
- Elbert Hubbard
Education is a method whereby
one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.
- Laurence J. Peter
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.