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Let these funny Weave Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Man does not weave this web of life.
He is merely a strand of it.
Whatever he does to the web,
he does to himself.
- Chief Seattle (attributed)
If we are to achieve a richer culture, rich in contrasting values,
we must recognize the whole gamut of human potentialities,
and so weave a less arbitrary social fabric,
one in which each diverse human gift will find a fitting place.
- Margaret Mead
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields
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A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin
You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
The way for a young man to rise is
to improve himself in every way he can,
never suspecting that anybody wishes to hinder him.
- Abraham Lincoln
We are born believing.
A man bears beliefs as a tree bears apples.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway
is usually a poor judge of distance.
- Laurence J. Peter
If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house
with the conscious design of doing me good,
I should run for my life.
- Henry David Thoreau
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein
The savage in man is never quite eradicated.
- Henry David Thoreau
Give the right man two fishes and some bread,
and he will feed the world;
give the wrong man two fishes and some bread
and he will invent the fast-food fish sandwich.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
Man tends to treat all of his opinions as principles.
- Herbert Sebastian Agar
Stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills.
- the movie When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)
The power of man has grown in every sphere, except over himself.
- Winston Churchill
The man of science is a poor philosopher.
- Albert Einstein
A man is usually more careful of his money
than he is of his principles.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers,
looks around for a coffin.
- H. L. Mencken
I like a man who grins when he fights.
- Winston Churchill
I will far rather see the race of man extinct
than that we should become less than beasts
by making the noblest of God's creation,
woman, the object of our lust.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help,
and what he cannot help.
- Thomas Fuller
If you can not answer a man's argument,
all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
- Elbert Hubbard
I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I
Never stir up litigation.
A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this.
- Abraham Lincoln
You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous
I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.
- Stanley Baldwin
An intellectual is a man
who takes more words than necessary
to tell more than he knows.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Never give a sword to a man who can't dance.
- Confucius
A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous
I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin
If it keeps up, man will atrophy
all his limbs but the push-button finger.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you.
- Carl Jung
The man who can smile when things go wrong
has thought of someone else he can blame it on.
- Robert Bloch
Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain
If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
- Albert Schweitzer
I know that God made the whole world in 4004 BC.
I know because my preacher told me. He's a good man.
He's even saving up all the money we give him
to go to bible college someday.
- Anonymous Humor
The man who reads nothing at all
is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.
- Thomas Jefferson
When I hear a man preach,
I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.
- Abraham Lincoln
A man can't be too careful in the choice of enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
Man's nature is not essentially evil.
Brute nature has been known to
yield to the influence of love.
You must never despair of human nature.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.