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Let these funny Contradictory Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
We may not always be aware of it, but we all create
and repeat affirmations constantly.
The problem is, we typically don't pay attention
to exactly what those affirmations are saying.
Often we go through the day giving ourselves
all sorts of contradictory, or even negative messages.
We may project confidence to the world around us,
while our inner dialogue says...
I hope this works.
I am so nervous about this.
I hope I don't blow it.
Affirmations are self fulfilling prophecies.
If we say, This is never going to work
... then chances are excellent it never will.
- John Assaraf
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
"It's not that important,
don't worry about it" is the answer,
now what was the question?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
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Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous
Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove
The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Anonymous
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein
I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer
Normal is not something to aspire to,
it's something to get away from.
- Jodie Foster
Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because
he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong
only because he has remained silent.
- Winston Churchill
Am I not destroying my enemies
when I make friends of them?
- Abraham Lincoln
Contrary to general belief,
I do not believe that friends are necessarily
the people you like best,
they are merely the people who got there first.
- Peter Ustinov
Do not bite at the bait of pleasure,
till you know there is no hook beneath it.
- Thomas Jefferson
Science is a wonderful thing
if one does not have to earn one's living at it.
- Albert Einstein
I am not young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing
for most of us that it is not.
- Oscar Wilde
The function of muscle is to pull and not to push,
except in the case of the genitals and the tongue.
- Leonardo da Vinci
The faith that stands on authority is not faith.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
- Ursula K. Le Guin
It's not a mess.
It's a physical manifestation of
a wonderfully complex ability to
assess and compartmentalize information.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper
is that your guests are so pleased
to feel how very much better they are.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
I think that there is nothing, not even crime,
more opposed to poetry, to philosophy, ay, to life itself
than this incessant business.
- Henry David Thoreau
The person who says it cannot be done
should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- Chinese proverb
I do not fear death.
I had been dead for billions and billions
of years before I was born,
and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
- Mark Twain
For those who do not think,
it is best at least to rearrange
their prejudices once in a while.
- Luther Burbank
Man's nature is not essentially evil.
Brute nature has been known to
yield to the influence of love.
You must never despair of human nature.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
- Andre Gide
Adventure is not outside man; it is within.
- George Eliot
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems,
but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
- Herm Albright
The church is always trying to get other people to reform;
it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little,
by way of example.
- Mark Twain
As far as the laws of mathematics
refer to reality, they are not certain,
and as far as they are certain,
they do not refer to reality.
- Albert Einstein
If you can not answer a man's argument,
all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
- Elbert Hubbard
Faith: not wanting to know what is true.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do;
the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
- Mary Wilson Little
Only two things are infinite,
the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein
Do not speak to me of rules.
This is war! This is not a game of cricket!
- from the movie The Bridge On The River Kwai
It is only the poor who pay cash,
and that not from virtue,
but because they are refused credit.
- Anatole France
I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer
When dealing with people, remember you are
not dealing with creatures of logic,
but creatures of emotion.
- Dale Carnegie
I am always ready to learn
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
Do not take life too seriously.
You will never get out of it alive.
- Elbert Hubbard
The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous
Although personally I am quite content with existing explosives,
I feel we must not stand in the path of improvement.
- Winston Churchill
The wine of youth does not always
clear with advancing years;
sometimes it grows turbid.
- Carl Jung
I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Genius may have its limitations,
but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
- Elbert Hubbard
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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