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Let these funny Bureaucrats Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Bureaucrats: they are dead at 30 and buried at 60.
They are like custard pies; you can't nail them to a wall.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)
Don't threaten me with a dead fish.
- the movie Withnail & I (1987)
Sucking the marrow out of life
doesn't mean choking on the bone.
- Robin Williams as John Keating
in the 1989 movie Dead Poets Society
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Only dead fish swim with the stream.
- Anonymous
Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
- Benjamin Franklin
She's been diagnosed as a paranoid hypochondriac.
Doctors think she may be faking.
- the movie Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid
Tombs are the clothes of the dead.
A grave is a plain suit;
while an expensive monument is one with embroidery.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
Why wait until you're dead,
when you can create your own Hell right here and now.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears,
for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
- Albert Einstein
My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face.
- the movie Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid
I do not fear death.
I had been dead for billions and billions
of years before I was born,
and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
- Mark Twain
He who can no longer pause to wonder
and stand rapt in awe,
is as good as dead;
his eyes are closed.
- Albert Einstein
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead.
- Jewel
Do not save your loving speeches
For your friends till they are dead;
Do not write them on their tombstones,
Speak them rather now instead.
- Anna Cummins
It is easy enough to be pleasant
When life flows by like a song,
But the man worth while is the one who will smile
When everything goes dead wrong.
- Ella Wheeler Wilcox
The educated differ from the uneducated
as much as the living from the dead.
- Aristotle
Whatever your life's work is, do it well.
A man should do his job so well that the living,
the dead, and the unborn could do it no better.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Do not mourn the dead, but comfort the living.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
An old friend will help you move.
A good friend will help you move a dead body.
- Jim Hayes
Every creature is better alive than dead,
men and moose and pine trees,
and he who understands it aright
will rather preserve its life than destroy it.
- Henry David Thoreau
Quotations are dead unless a spur for inquiry.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Yesterday is dead. Tomorrow is a dream.
Today - each today - is where the action is
where all of life occurs.
Today IS your life - your only life.
Life today to the fullest.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The earth belongs to the living, not to the dead.
- Thomas Jefferson
What difference does it make to the dead,
the orphans, and the homeless,
whether the mad destruction is wrought
under the name of totalitarianism
or the holy name of liberty or democracy?
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.
It is the source of all true art and all science.
He to whom this emotion is a stranger,
who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe,
is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.
- Albert Einstein
Never in any case say I have lost such a thing, but I have returned it.
Is your child dead? It is a return. Is your wife dead? It is a return.
Are you deprived of your estate? Is not this also a return?
- Epictetus
Beginning today, treat everyone you meet
as if they were going to be dead by midnight.
Extend to them all the care,
kindness and understanding you can muster,
and do with no thought of any reward.
Your life will never be the same again.
- Og Mandino
Life repeats itself mindlessly -
unless you become mindful, it will go on repeating like a wheel.
That's why Buddhists call it the wheel of life and death,
the wheel of time.
It moves like a wheel: birth is followed by death,
death is followed by birth;
love is followed by hate, hate is followed by love;
success is followed by failure,
failure is followed by success. Just see!
If you can watch just for a few days,
you will see a pattern emerging, a wheel pattern.
One day, a fine morning, you are feeling so good and so happy,
and another day you are so dull,
so dead that you start thinking of committing suicide.
And just the other day you were so full of life,
so blissful that you were feeling thankful to God,
that you were in a mood of deep gratefulness,
and today there is great complaint
and you don't see the point why one should go on living...
And it goes on and on, but you don't see the pattern.
Once you see the pattern, you can get out of it.
- Osho
Do feuds ever end?
Only when both sides shake hands,
and agree that there is no winner, no loser,
only people who have wearied of fighting
and desire to live in peace.
For many years, Northern Ireland was locked
in a murderous and seemingly unending feud.
The key to ending the feud was a shared commitment
that peace was more important than vengeance.
That is always the choice to be made.
The organizers of an April 10, 2009
joint Protestant-Catholic commemoration
of the Northern Ireland dead,
comprised of members of the once-outlawed Sinn Fein
as well as their once-avowed enemies,
referred to, "the terrible, random nature
of death in war and civil conflict."
Some lessons have been learned, many more remain.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Jesus said: "A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho,
when he fell into the hands of robbers.
They stripped him of his clothes, beat him
and went away, leaving him half dead.
A priest happened to be going down the same road,
and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side.
So too, a Levite [religious leader],
when he came to the place and saw him,
passed by on the other side.
But a Samaritan [Samaritans and Jews generally disliked
and were suspicious of each other] came where the man was;
and when he saw him, he took pity on him.
He went to him and bandaged his wounds ... and ...
took him to an inn and took care of him. ...
Jesus [said] "Go and do likewise."
- Luke 10:25-37 (The Parable of the Good Samaritan)
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
From wine what sudden friendship springs.
- John Gay
Nothing echoes like an empty mailbox.
- Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl
could want in her life, except for good taste in men.
- Anonymous
I have lost friends, some by death ...
others by sheer inability to cross the street.
- Virginia Woolf
The worst part of success is to try to find
someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring,
close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious
as to have friends at a distance;
they make the latitudes and the longitudes.
- Henry David Thoreau
Nothing is more cheerful than talking
about our friends' shortcomings.
- Mason Cooley
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck
Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous
Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
A benevolent man should allow a few faults in himself,
to keep his friends in countenance.
- Benjamin Franklin
A true friend is one who
overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson
Contrary to general belief,
I do not believe that friends are necessarily
the people you like best,
they are merely the people who got there first.
- Peter Ustinov
Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
- Anonymous
It is far better to be alone,
than to be in bad company.
- George Washington
The feeling of friendship is like that
of being comfortably filled with roast beef;
love, like being enlivened with champagne.
- Samuel Johnson
Nobody can be uncheered with a balloon.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)
"Appeasement" is the policy of feeding your friends to a crocodile,
one at a time, in hopes that the crocodile will eat you last.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt
A lifelong friend is someone
you haven't borrowed money from yet.
- Anonymous
A true friend stabs you in the front.
- Oscar Wilde
A loyal friend laughs at your jokes
when they're not so good,
and sympathizes with your problems
when they're not so bad.
- Arnold H. Glasgow
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet
and steady and loyal and enduring a nature
that it will last through a whole lifetime,
if not asked to lend money.
- Mark Twain
Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president,
but they don't want them to become politicians in the process.
- John F. Kennedy
My father and he had one of those English friendships
which begins by avoiding the intimacies
and eventually eliminates speech altogether.
- Jorge Luis Borges
I want a girl just like good old mom,
who is different in every way.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Do not use a hatchet to remove
a fly from your friend's forehead.
- Chinese Proverb
I'm a very loyal and unreliable friend.
- Bono
Most people enjoy the inferiority of their best friends.
- Lord Chesterfield
I never considered a difference of opinion
in politics, in religion, in philosophy,
as cause for withdrawing from a friend.
- Thomas Jefferson
Money can't buy friends
but it can get you a better class of enemy.
- Spike Milligan
Fathers are biological necessities, but social accidents.
- Margaret Mead
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.