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George S. Kaufman Quotes
Funny Quotes by George S. Kaufman

Let these funny George S. Kaufman Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.

Epitaph for a dead waiter - God finally caught his eye.
- George S. Kaufman

Office hours are from 12 to 1 with an hour off for lunch.
- George S. Kaufman

Satire is what closes on Saturday night.
- George S. Kaufman

The kind of doctor I want is one who when he's not
examining me is home studying medicine.
- George S. Kaufman


 

I like terra firma; the more firma, the less terra.
- George S. Kaufman

At dramatic rehearsals, the only author that's better
than an absent one is a dead one.
- George S. Kaufman

I understand your new play is full of single entendres.
- George S. Kaufman


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When I was born I owed twelve dollars.
- George S. Kaufman

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face.
That's the price she has to pay.
- George S. Kaufman

The rarest quality in an epitaph is truth.
- Henry David Thoreau

Live so that when the final summons comes you will
leave something more behind you than an epitaph on
a tombstone or an obituary in a newspaper.
- Billy Sunday

It is my aim, and every effort bent,
that the sum and history of my life,
which in the same sentence is my obit and epitaph too,
shall be them both: He made the books and he died.
- William Faulkner

Those who say that life is worth living at any cost
have already written an epitaph of infamy,
for there is no cause and no person that they will
not betray to stay alive.
- Sidney Hook

I always thought I'd like my own tombstone to be blank.
No epitaph, and no name.
Well, actually, I'd like it to say "figment."
- Andy Warhol

When I die, my epitaph should read: She Paid the Bills.
That's the story of my private life.
- Gloria Swanson

Let there be no inscription upon my tomb;
let no man write my epitaph: no man can write my epitaph.
- Robert Emmet

And were an epitaph to be my story I'd have a short one ready for my own.
I would have written of me on my stone:
I had a lover's quarrel with the world.
- Robert Frost

Let no man write my epitaph...
When my country takes her place among the nations of the earth,
then shall my character be vindicated,
then may my epitaph be written.
- Robert Emmet

An epitaph is a belated advertisement for a line of
goods that has been discontinued.
- Irvin S. Cobb

Lest when I am gone you may be at a loss for an epitaph for me,
let me give you one - He Fed Fevers.
- Robert James Graves

It's not an epitaph.
I felt I could look back at my life and get a good story out of it.
It's a picture of somebody trying to figure things out.
I'm not trying to create some impression about myself.
That doesn't interest me.
- Alan Alda

I have somewhere met with the epitaph on a charitable
man which has pleased me very much.
I cannot recollect the words, but here is the sense of it:
"What I spent I lost;
what I possessed is left to others; what I gave away remains with me."
- Joseph Addison

For the saddest epitaph which can be carved in memory
of a vanished freedom is that it was lost because its
possessors failed to stretch forth a saving hand while there was still time.
- George Sutherland

I never understood why when you died,
you didn't just vanish, everything could just keep
going on the way it was only you just wouldn't be there.
I always thought I'd like my own tombstone to be blank.
No epitaph, and no name.
Well, actually, I'd like it to say 'figment.'
- Andy Warhol

Honesty is the rarest wealth anyone can possess,
and yet all the honesty in the world ain't lawful tender for a loaf of bread.
- Josh Billings

Creativity is an advertising agency's most valuable asset,
because it is the rarest.
- Jef I. Richards

It has been common knowledge to informed collectors
that many times the finest and rarest art glass is found unsigned.
- James Lafferty

The goal of NIH research is to acquire new knowledge to help prevent,
detect, diagnose, and treat disease and disability,
from the rarest genetic disorder to the common cold.
- Ike Skelton

Great men are rare, poets are rarer,
but the great man who is a poet,
transfiguring his greatness, is the rarest of all events.
- John Drinkwater

To dare to live alone is the rarest courage;
since there are many who had rather meet their bitterest enemy in the field,
than their own hearts in their closet.
- Charles Caleb Colton

The strongest are those who renounce their own times
and become a living part of those yet to come.
The strongest and the rarest.
- Milovan Djilas

Rarest of the real poets are born poets.
They are the oddballs, not the professors.
- James Broughton

One of rarest things that a man ever does is to do the best he can.
- Josh Billings

Happiness is a wine of the rarest vintage,
and seems insipid to a vulgar taste.
- Logan P. Smith

An absolutely new idea is one of the rarest things known to man.
- Thomas More

Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.
- Ernest Hemingway

Next to sound judgment, diamonds and pearls are the
rarest things in the world.
- Jean de la Bruyere

You will find as you grow older that courage is the
rarest of all qualities to be found in public life.
- Benjamin Disraeli

Mediocrity is now, as formerly, dangerous,
commonly fatal, to the poet; but among even the successful writers of prose,
those who rise sensibly above it are the very rarest exceptions.
- William E. Gladstone

The rarest of all things in American life is charm.
We spend billions every year manufacturing fake charm
that goes under the heading of public relations.
Without it, America would be grim indeed.
- Anita Loos

But at the time when he wrote, Englishmen,
with the rarest exceptions, wrote only in French or Latin;
and when they began to write in English,
a man of genius, to interpret and improve on him,
was not found for a long time.
- George Saintsbury

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain

Honesty may be the best policy,
but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin

Treat those who are good with goodness,
and also treat those who are not good with goodness.
Thus goodness is attained.
Be honest to those who are honest,
and be also honest to those who are not honest.
Thus honesty is attained.
- Lao Tzu

I believe fundamental honesty is the keystone of business.
- Harvey S. Firestone

Drawing is the honesty of the art.
There is no possibility of cheating.
It is either good or bad.
- Salvador Dali

Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.
- Thomas Jefferson

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return.
It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
- Arthur C. Clarke

For the merchant, even honesty is a financial speculation.
- Charles Baudelaire

Only good comes from being honest and true.
Only harm and suffering cone from falsehood.
It doesn't always feel as if good comes from truth and honesty,
but, in the long run, it does.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Give your time and efforts freely or not at all.
When you are tempted to say,
"Oh, if I have to, I'll skip my golf game
and watch my daughter play soccer," don't do it.
Either generate the heart-felt emotion
to make the free-will gift,
"I'd love to watch your game today, Sandy,"
or the honesty to decline the request gracefully.
Martyrdom doesn't create happiness
for any of the parties involved.
An honest, "No" is preferable to a coerced "Yes."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Honesty is as much saying everything as it is saying what is true.
- Richard Snelling

I feel honesty always works.
- Bobby Unser

It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything.
I am strongly in favor of common sense,
common honesty, and common decency.
This makes me forever ineligible for public office.
- H. L. Mencken

It is discouraging how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.
- Noel Coward

As a governor and senator, John Chafee set the standard
for honesty and decency that the rest of us on our
best days could only dream to emulate.
- John McCain

Commend a fool for his wit, or a rogue for his honesty
and he will receive you into his favor.
- Henry Fielding

An autobiography is not about pictures;
it's about the stories; it's about honesty and as much
truth as you can tell without coming too close to other people's privacy.
- Boris Becker

I've done more harm by the falseness of trying to please
than by the honesty of trying to hurt.
- Jessamyn West

Washington's entire honesty of mind and his fearless
look into the face of all facts are qualities which
can never go out of fashion and which we should all do well to imitate.
- Henry Cabot Lodge

I like honesty and fair play.
- Marcus Garvey

Honesty is a good thing, but it is not profitable to
its possessor unless it is kept under control.
- Don Marquis

The important things are children, honesty,
integrity and faith.
- Andy Williams

Good design begins with honesty, asks tough questions,
comes from collaboration and from trusting your intuition.
- Freeman Thomas

Honesty is as rare as a man without self-pity.
- Stephen Vincent Benet

To make your children capable of honesty is the beginning of education.
- John Ruskin

TV is a major force in our lives - a FORCE.
It must be handled very carefully, both its censure
and its artistic honesty.
- Bill Bixby

All men profess honesty as long as they can.
To believe all men honest would be folly.
To believe none so is something worse.
- John Quincy Adams

Confidence...
thrives on honesty, on honor, on the sacredness of obligations,
on faithful protection and on unselfish performance.
Without them it cannot live.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt

More by example than by word, my father taught me logical reasoning,
compassion, love of others, honesty,
and discipline applied with understanding.
- Paul D. Boyer

Anything well written with good language and clarity
and honesty is worth doing.
It comes out of the same tradition as Shakespeare.
- Michael Moriarty


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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