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Gary Johnson Quotes
Funny Quotes by Gary Johnson

Let these funny Gary Johnson Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.

It's not 2038 that Social Security is bankrupt.
It's now.
- Gary Johnson

I had a 'Mr. Smith Goes to Washington' experience as governor.
- Gary Johnson

Regardless of my legislation, spending has to be stopped.
- Gary Johnson

The current prohibition laws are forcing drug disputes
to be played out with guns in our streets.
We need to put a stop to this criminal drug element in our country.
- Gary Johnson


 

I don't smoke marijuana anymore.
I don't drink.
Marijuana is a handicap.
So is alcohol.
Alcohol is a terrible handicap.
But in spite of being a handicap, it shouldn't be criminal.
- Gary Johnson

The excitement right now is coming from the Liberty movement.
And the Republicans want a piece of it.
- Gary Johnson

The voice of the Republican party is up for grabs.
It's a contest right now.
- Gary Johnson


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I'm absolutely a Ron Paul fan.
- Gary Johnson

Immigration is a good thing.
We should make that as easy as possible.
- Gary Johnson

I'm finding myself really angry over spending and the deficit.
I'm finding myself really angry over what's happening in the Middle East,
the decision to stay in Afghanistan indefinitely.
I'm angry about cap and trade.
And I've been on record for a long time on the failed war on drugs.
- Gary Johnson

This country would be a better place to live in if
all the resources we currently put toward criminalizing
marijuana were instead spent by law enforcement on
protection from real crime,
as opposed to victimless crime.
- Gary Johnson

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand PHOTO

"It's not that important,
don't worry about it" is the answer,
now what was the question?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie PHOTO

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999) PHOTO

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer PHOTO

Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie PHOTO

It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain PHOTO

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
- Saint Augustine

I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Anonymous

Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove

I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer

Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you;
she is after your barn.
- Hesiod

DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb
cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
- Dave Barry

Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein

Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
- Mitch Hedberg

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
- Paul Lynde

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time,
when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
- Marilyn vos Savant

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes,
I had one thousand and sixty.
- Imelda Marcos

The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
- Calvin Coolidge

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
- Naguib Mahfouz

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers

Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)

It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain

One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

I'm not a real movie star.
I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
- Will Rogers

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous

For centuries, theologians have been explaining
the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- H. L. Mencken

Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.
- John Lennon

The church is always trying to get other people to reform;
it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little,
by way of example.
- Mark Twain

The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer

Do not use a hatchet to remove
a fly from your friend's forehead.
- Chinese Proverb

Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition,
is not only a waste of energy
but the worst habit you could possibly have.
- Dale Carnegie

Science is a wonderful thing
if one does not have to earn one's living at it.
- Albert Einstein

We are finally driven to monogamy
not by morality but by exhaustion.
- Erica Jong

Adventure is not outside man; it is within.
- George Eliot

The faith that stands on authority is not faith.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain

I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

The trouble with the world is not
that people know too little,
but that they know so many things that ain't so.
- Mark Twain

Do not speak to me of rules.
This is war! This is not a game of cricket!
- from the movie The Bridge On The River Kwai

Belief is not the beginning but the end of all knowledge.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I do not believe that civilization will be wiped out
in a war fought with the atomic bomb.
Perhaps two-thirds of the people of the earth will be killed.
- Albert Einstein


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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