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Funny Theology Quotes
Funny Quotes about Theology

Let these funny Theology Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein

I do not believe in the God of theology
who rewards good and punishes evil.
- Albert Einstein

Buddhism has the characteristics of what would be expected
in a cosmic religion for the future:
It transcends a personal God, avoids dogmas and theology;
it covers both the natural and the spiritual,
and it is based on a religious sense
aspiring from the experience of all things,
natural and spiritual, as a meaningful unity.
- Albert Einstein

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner


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If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin


 

It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken

There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein

When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death

One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin

Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash

One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.
- Anonymous

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind
and won't change the subject.
- Winston Churchill

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous

She drove me to drink.
That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
- the movie Never Give a Sucker an Even Break

Let your sympathies and your compassion
be always with the under dog in the fight -
this is magnanimity;
but bet on the other one - this is business.
- Mark Twain

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
- Steve Martin

I've developed a new philosophy...
I only dread one day at a time.
- the character Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic

Thaw with her gentle persuasion is more powerful
than Thor with his hammer.
The one melts, the other breaks into pieces.
- Henry David Thoreau

Life is just one damned thing after another.
- Elbert Hubbard (Philistine - A Periodical of Protest, 1896)

One's first love is always perfect
until one meets one's second love.
- Elizabeth Aston

One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

We are all atheists about most of the gods
that societies have ever believed in.
Some of us just go one god further.
- Richard Dawkins

The best thing about the future is
that it comes one day at a time.
- Abraham Lincoln

The best way to appreciate your job
is to imagine yourself without one.
- Oscar Wilde

I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer

Education is a method whereby
one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.
- Laurence J. Peter

One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein

The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous

You can always do one thing less than you think you can.
- Anonymous

Faced with the choice between changing one's mind
and proving that there is no need to do so,
almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
- John Kenneth Galbraith

One of the greatest pains to human nature is the pain of a new idea.
- Walter Bagehot

One should always be in love.
That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde

In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns

When written in Chinese, the word "crisis"
is composed of two characters.
One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.
- John F. Kennedy

Perhaps one has to be very old before one learns
to be amused rather than shocked.
- Pearl S. Buck

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln

Tombs are the clothes of the dead.
A grave is a plain suit;
while an expensive monument is one with embroidery.
- R. Buckminster Fuller

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age.
If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
- Oscar Wilde

I find that principles have no real force
except when one is well fed.
- Mark Twain

That's the secret to life . . .
replace one worry with another.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
- Walter Lippmann

All diseases run into one - old age.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A true friend is one who
overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson

There is only one thing about which I am certain,
and that is that there is very little
about which one can be certain.
- W. Somerset Maugham

Question with boldness even the existence of a God;
because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason,
than that of blind-folded fear.
- Thomas Jefferson

He who loves 50 people has 50 woes;
he who loves no one has no woes.
- The Buddha

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
- Pope John Paul I

If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain

No one was ever named "Hero" for following the crowd.
Heroes set their own course.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

My father and he had one of those English friendships
which begins by avoiding the intimacies
and eventually eliminates speech altogether.
- Jorge Luis Borges

In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep,
one must above all be a sheep oneself.
- Albert Einstein

If God listened to the prayers of men,
all men would quickly have perished:
for they are forever praying for evil against one another.
- Epicurus

I begin with the principle that all men are bores.
Surely no one will prove himself
so great a bore as to contradict me in this.
- Soren Kierkegaard


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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