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Let these funny Tails Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns
Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child
could understand this report.
Run out and find me a four-year-old child,
I can't make head or tail of it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup
How many legs does a dog have
if you call the tail a leg? Four.
Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
- Abraham Lincoln
It's not much of a tail, but I'm sort of attached to it.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)
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A discussion of philosophy is like a cat chasing its tail -
it may be an amusing diversion but
it has no chance for a satisfying conclusion.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
If you call a tail a leg, how many legs has a dog?
Five? No, calling a tail a leg don't make it a leg.
- Abraham Lincoln
Man is descended from a hairy, tailed quadruped,
probably arboreal in its habits.
- Charles Darwin
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
God must love the common man, he made so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln
The power of man has grown in every sphere, except over himself.
- Winston Churchill
A man is usually more careful of his money
than he is of his principles.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything
and the value of nothing.
- Oscar Wilde
Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help,
and what he cannot help.
- Thomas Fuller
You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous
We are born believing.
A man bears beliefs as a tree bears apples.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The civilized man has built a coach,
but has lost the use of his feet.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
If it keeps up, man will atrophy
all his limbs but the push-button finger.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you.
- Carl Jung
I know that God made the whole world in 4004 BC.
I know because my preacher told me. He's a good man.
He's even saving up all the money we give him
to go to bible college someday.
- Anonymous Humor
An intellectual is a man
who takes more words than necessary
to tell more than he knows.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin
Every man prefers belief to the exercise of judgment.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
A clever man commits no minor blunders.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
It appears to be a law that you cannot have
a deep sympathy with both man and nature.
- Henry David Thoreau
Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain
A benevolent man should allow a few faults in himself,
to keep his friends in countenance.
- Benjamin Franklin
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
- Winston Churchill
When I hear a man preach,
I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.
- Abraham Lincoln
Never give a sword to a man who can't dance.
- Confucius
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers,
looks around for a coffin.
- H. L. Mencken
I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein
A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous
Give the right man two fishes and some bread,
and he will feed the world;
give the wrong man two fishes and some bread
and he will invent the fast-food fish sandwich.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The savage in man is never quite eradicated.
- Henry David Thoreau
Mr. Attlee is a very modest man.
Indeed he has a lot to be modest about.
- Winston Churchill
I will far rather see the race of man extinct
than that we should become less than beasts
by making the noblest of God's creation,
woman, the object of our lust.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Man's role is uncertain, undefined, and perhaps unnecessary.
- Margaret Mead
Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus
I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.
- Stanley Baldwin
Stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills.
- the movie When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.