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Let these funny President Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove
Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president,
but they don't want them to become politicians in the process.
- John F. Kennedy
Some years ago I became president of Columbia University
and learned within 24 hours to be ready
to speak at the drop of a hat,
and I learned something more, the trustees were expected
to be ready to speak at the passing of the hat.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
We must make it clear that a platform
of "I hate gay men and women'
is not a way to become president of the United States.
- Jimmy Carter
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Campaign behavior for wives:
Always be on time.
Do as little talking as humanly possible.
Lean back in the parade car
so everybody can see the president.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
People make a big fuss over you when you're President.
But I'm very serious about doing everything I can
to make sure that it doesn't go to my head.
- Jimmy Carter
I am not the Catholic candidate for President.
I am the Democratic Party's candidate for President,
who happens also to be a Catholic.
- John F. Kennedy
In my country we go to prison first, and then become President.
- Nelson Mandela
Well, when you come down to it,
I don't see that a reporter could do much to a president, do you?
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
If anyone is crazy enough to want to kill
a president of the United States, he can do it.
All he must be prepared to do is give his life for the president's.
- John F. Kennedy
You know, everybody makes mistakes when they are president.
- William J. Clinton
Any man who wants to be president
is either an egomaniac or crazy.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Oh, that lovely title, ex-president.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
I look forward to these confrontations with the press
to kind of balance up the nice and pleasant things
that come to me as president.
- Jimmy Carter
I think this is the most extraordinary
collection of talent, of human knowledge,
that has ever been gathered at the White House -
with the possible exception of
when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.
- John F. Kennedy
Allow the president to invade a neighboring nation,
whenever he shall deem it necessary to repel an invasion,
and you allow him to do so whenever he may choose
to say he deems it necessary for such a purpose -
and you allow him to make war at pleasure.
- Abraham Lincoln
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
"It's not that important,
don't worry about it" is the answer,
now what was the question?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Anonymous
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein
It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein
The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers
DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)
Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
Do not use a hatchet to remove
a fly from your friend's forehead.
- Chinese Proverb
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet
and steady and loyal and enduring a nature
that it will last through a whole lifetime,
if not asked to lend money.
- Mark Twain
A loyal friend laughs at your jokes
when they're not so good,
and sympathizes with your problems
when they're not so bad.
- Arnold H. Glasgow
Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because
he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong
only because he has remained silent.
- Winston Churchill
It's not much of a tail, but I'm sort of attached to it.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)
Do not bite at the bait of pleasure,
till you know there is no hook beneath it.
- Thomas Jefferson
The wine of youth does not always
clear with advancing years;
sometimes it grows turbid.
- Carl Jung
Faith: not wanting to know what is true.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
- Andre Gide
I do not believe that civilization will be wiped out
in a war fought with the atomic bomb.
Perhaps two-thirds of the people of the earth will be killed.
- Albert Einstein
The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous
I think that there is nothing, not even crime,
more opposed to poetry, to philosophy, ay, to life itself
than this incessant business.
- Henry David Thoreau
Science is a wonderful thing
if one does not have to earn one's living at it.
- Albert Einstein
If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain
The trouble with the world is not
that people know too little,
but that they know so many things that ain't so.
- Mark Twain
One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
Do not take life too seriously.
You will never get out of it alive.
- Elbert Hubbard
The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper
is that your guests are so pleased
to feel how very much better they are.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Am I not destroying my enemies
when I make friends of them?
- Abraham Lincoln
I am not afraid of storms
for I am learning how to sail my ship.
- Louisa May Alcott
The person who says it cannot be done
should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- Chinese proverb
The objection to Puritans is not that
they try to make us think as they do,
but that they try to make us do as they think.
- H. L. Mencken
I do not believe in using women in combat,
because females are too fierce.
- Margaret Mead
Politics is such a torment that I advise everyone
I love not to mix with it.
- Thomas Jefferson
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.