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Let these funny Induce Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
When an idea reaches critical mass
there is no stopping the shift
its presence will induce.
- Marianne Williamson
A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic.
- George Bernard Shaw
Consciously adopt the mindset of a young child,
to whom all of life is a grand adventure.
Life is your playground.
Fashion grand castles and sweeping boulevards,
defeat fire-breathing dragons,
leap tall buildings in a single bound.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
When you feel worried and depressed,
consciously form a smile on your face and act upbeat
until the happy feeling becomes genuine.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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We must walk consciously only part way toward our goal,
and then leap in the dark to our success.
- Henry David Thoreau
From the way most people live,
one would never guess that humans are beings of free will.
Repetition can be a choice, but often it isn't.
The athlete or pianist who practices the same routine
day after day, year after year, has their eye on a goal.
The unending repetition is a conscious choice
in the pursuit of a life dream.
But what about the sameness of most lives?
Observe the morning commute, the after-work drink,
the Sunday football game or religious service -
how many of those people are consciously following their dream,
training their mind, body, and spirit through that daily repetition?
And how many are mindlessly slogging through each day
out of habit and boredom?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Your life is the sum result of all the choices you make,
both consciously and unconsciously. If you can control
the process of choosing, you can take control
of all aspects of your life. You can find the freedom
that comes from being in charge of yourself.
- Robert Foster Bennett
What if happiness were found in the serenity of simple pleasures.
What if we didn't need the newest gizmo... the highest high?
What if happiness is in the air we breathe...
slowly, deeply, and consciously?
What if happiness is one fresh grape, savored with gratitude?
What if happiness is in our oneness with all creation?
What if happiness is about enjoying life exactly as it comes to us -
without chasing after it?
What if happiness is something we CHOOSE...
regardless of our circumstances?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)
Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
However beautiful the strategy,
you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill
If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you always got.
- Mark Twain
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain
Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories
You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
The worst part of success is to try to find
someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck
Of all the things that could frighten you,
you worry about my driving?
- Edward, from Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer
I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)
No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective
Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
When everything comes your way
you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous
Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly,
but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- the movie Shrek (2001)
Oh, Shrek. Don't worry.
Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy
and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- the movie Shrek 2
Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.
- Tom Lehrer
Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove (1964)
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill
You can put wings on a pig,
but you don't make it an eagle.
- William J. Clinton
When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash
I got a good mind to join a club
and beat you over the head with it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup
If you don't know where you are going,
you might wind up someplace else.
- Yogi Berra
Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx
DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)
When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
- the movie As Good As It Gets (1997)
The proper office of a friend is to side with you
when you are in the wrong.
Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.
- Mark Twain
You know what? Maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
- the movie Shrek (2001)
He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor
You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)
And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)
If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin
You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck
There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles
You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous
Where did you park the invisible car?
- the movie Megamind (2010)
Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous
Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you,
unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- the movie Shrek 2
A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)
There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.