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Let these funny Included Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Our pleasures were simple - they included survival.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Zen says that if you drop knowledge -
and within knowledge everything is included;
your name, your identity, everything,
because this has been given to you by others -
if you drop all that has been given by others,
you will have a totally different quality to your being: innocence.
This will be a crucifixion of the persona, the personality,
and there will be a resurrection of your innocence.
You will become a child again, reborn.
- Osho
The happiness of one's own heart alone
cannot satisfy the soul;
one must try to include,
as necessary to one's own happiness,
the happiness of others.
- Paramahansa Yogananda
If men can develop weapons that are so terrifying
as to make the thought of global war
include almost a sentence for suicide,
you would think that man's intelligence and his comprehension...
would include also his ability to find a peaceful solution.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
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A young man who does not have what
it takes to perform military service
is not likely to have what
it takes to make a living.
Today's military rejects include
tomorrow's hard-core unemployed.
- John F. Kennedy
God is all there is - God includes everything,
all possibility and all action,
for Spirit is the invisible essence and substance of all form.
- Ernest Holmes
There is One Infinite Mind,
which of necessity includes all that is,
whether it be the intelligence in man,
the life in the animal,
or the invisible Presence which is God.
- Ernest Holmes
If you doubt the virtue in self-honor,
remember what the flight attendant says,
"Put your own oxygen mask on first."
You are of no use to anyone else
if you have not taken care of your own needs first -
this includes your own emotional,
as well as physical, well-being.
In addition, your greatest value to your children,
your family, your friends, and your community
is the example you set, leading a great life that inspires
those around you to emulate your being.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
It's humbling to think that all animals,
including human beings,
are parasites of the plant world.
- Isaac Asimov
It is important to expect nothing,
to take every experience,
including the negative ones,
as merely steps on the path,
and to proceed.
- Ram Dass
The glue that holds all relationships together -
including the relationship between; the leader and the led
is trust, and trust is based on integrity.
- Brian Tracy
A man who was completely innocent,
offered himself as a sacrifice for the good of others,
including his enemies,
and became the ransom of the world.
It was a perfect act.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Religion is the masterpiece of the art of animal training,
for it trains people as to how they should think.
- Arthur Schopenhauer
She's been diagnosed as a paranoid hypochondriac.
Doctors think she may be faking.
- the movie Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid
I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
I personally think we developed language
because of our deep need to complain.
- Lily Tomlin
The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death
What we think, we become.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts, we make the world.
- The Buddha
No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective
If the facts don't fit the theory,
change the facts.
- Albert Einstein
You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)
A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)
Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
People who think they know everything
are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov
I think men who have a pierced ear
are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns
I don't like to think of laws
as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
- George Carlin
I don't think the intelligence reports are all that hot.
Some days I get more out of the New York Times.
- John F. Kennedy
For those who do not think,
it is best at least to rearrange
their prejudices once in a while.
- Luther Burbank
Anyone who thinks sitting in church
can make you a Christian must also think
that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
- Garrison Keillor
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin
If it turns out that there IS a God,
I don't think that he's evil.
I think that the worst you can say about him
is that basically he's an underachiever.
- the movie Love and Death
Human beings are the only creatures on the planet
who tell time and think they have to earn a living.
- Buckminster Fuller
What do I think of Western civilization?
I think it would be a very good idea.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
The third certainty of life, after death and taxes,
is that nothing will work out the way you want.
Life is fully as bad as you think it is.
Choose to live joyfully anyway.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Always speak the truth,
think before you speak,
and write it down afterwards.
- Lewis Carroll
Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)
Jealousy is all the fun you think they had.
- Erica Jong
The objection to Puritans is not that
they try to make us think as they do,
but that they try to make us do as they think.
- H. L. Mencken
I think that there is nothing, not even crime,
more opposed to poetry, to philosophy, ay, to life itself
than this incessant business.
- Henry David Thoreau
Really I feel less keen about the Army every day.
I think the Church would suit me better.
- Winston Churchill
You can always do one thing less than you think you can.
- Anonymous
When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
- Walter Lippmann
If you can't annoy somebody with what you write,
I think there's little point in writing.
- Kingsley Amis
Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin
You know that place between sleeping and awake,
that place where you can still remember dreaming?
That's where I'll always think of you.
- James M. Barrie
Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives.
I think we're being run by maniacs for maniacal ends
and I think I'm liable to be put away as insane for expressing that.
That's what's insane about it.
- John Lennon
I used to go away for weeks in a state of confusion.
- Albert Einstein
Tolerance is the first principle of community;
it is the spirit which conserves
the best that all men think.
- Helen Keller
No written law has ever been more binding
than unwritten custom supported by popular opinion.
- Carrie Chapman Catt
People should think things out fresh
and not just accept conventional terms
and the conventional way of doing things.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
The important thing is not to stop questioning.
Curiosity has its own reason for existing.
- Albert Einstein
To know yet to think that one does not know is best;
Not to know yet to think that one knows
will lead to difficulty.
- Lao Tzu
The function of education is to teach one
to think intensively and to think critically.
Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
I don't think of all the misery
but of the beauty that still remains.
- Anne Frank
The most pathetic person in the world
is someone who has sight, but has no vision.
- Helen Keller
Anyone who knows history, particularly
the history of Europe, will, I think,
recognize that the domination
of education or of government
by any one particular religious faith
is never a happy arrangement for the people.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Life does not consist mainly,
or even largely, of facts or happenings.
It consist mainly of the storm of thoughts
that is forever flowing through one's head.
- Mark Twain
It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are,
or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy.
It is what you think about.
- Dale Carnegie
Life is as easy or as hard as you think it is.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
People hardly ever make use of the freedom which they have,
for example, freedom of thought;
instead they demand freedom of speech as a compensation.
- Soren Kierkegaard
Suffering is everywhere. Don't ever think it isn't.
So are miracles. Don't ever think they aren't.
- Jewel
The most important thing about Spaceship Earth -
an instruction book didn't come with it.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody,
I think that is a much greater hunger,
a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.
- Mother Teresa
The grand aim of all science is to cover
the greatest number of empirical facts
by logical deduction from
the smallest number of hypotheses or axioms.
- Albert Einstein
People do not like to think.
If one thinks, one must reach conclusions.
Conclusions are not always pleasant.
- Helen Keller
The WORK
1.Is it true?
2.Can you absolutely know that it's true?
3.How do you react when you think that thought?
4.Who would you be without the thought?
- Byron Katie
The most important things in life
are seldom the most obvious.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Who made the rule that life has to be so serious?
One would think that "life is serious" had been engraved
upon stone tablets to judge from how most lives are lived.
Get a life, smile broadly, sing loudly,
paint your rooms in bold colors,
search every rabbit hole for a magical white bunny,
have caviar for breakfast and oatmeal for dinner,
wear a purple coat with a red hat - dance lightly with life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.