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Let these funny Depressed Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
If I feel depressed I will sing.
If I feel sad I will laugh.
If I feel ill I will double my labor.
If I feel fear I will plunge ahead.
If I feel inferior I will wear new garments.
If I feel uncertain I will raise my voice.
If I feel poverty I will think of wealth to come.
If I feel incompetent I will think of past success.
If I feel insignificant I will remember my goals.
Today I will be the master of my emotions.
- Og Mandino
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
When you feel worried and depressed,
consciously form a smile on your face and act upbeat
until the happy feeling becomes genuine.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
There is nothing more depressing,
than having everything,
and still feeling sad.
- Janet Jackson
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It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job:
it's a depression when you lose yours.
- Harry S. Truman
Objectivity is the cure for depression.
- Bono
Laugh at yourself and at life.
Not in the spirit of derision or whining self-pity,
but as a remedy, a miracle drug, that will ease your pain,
cure your depression, and help you to put in perspective
that seemingly terrible defeat and worry
with laughter at your predicaments,
thus freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution
that is certain to come. Never take yourself too seriously.
- Og Mandino
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
Look your best - who said love is blind?
- Mae West
Fasten your safety belts, clench your buttocks!
It's going be a bumpy ride!
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
Crazy is walking down the street
with half a cantaloupe on your head,
muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."
- the movie Spy Hard (1996)
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck
Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon
(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci
It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary
Always forgive your enemies -
nothing annoys them so much.
- Oscar Wilde
When everything comes your way
you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous
The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death
It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel
New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
- Albert Einstein
There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!
Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain
Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl
could want in her life, except for good taste in men.
- Anonymous
Vengeance: "It's your fault; you must pay; you must bleed."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life is serious, get out your magic wand.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Never try to teach a pig to sing.
It wastes your time, and it annoys the pig.
- Mark Twain
Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition,
is not only a waste of energy
but the worst habit you could possibly have.
- Dale Carnegie
Oh, you weak, beautiful people
who give up with such grace.
What you need is someone to take hold of you -
gently, with love, and hand your life back to you.
- Tennessee Williams
In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns
Do not use a hatchet to remove
a fly from your friend's forehead.
- Chinese Proverb
Heaven must be an awfully dull place
if your best friends end up elsewhere.
- Anonymous
As you awaken,
may your dreams greet you by name,
and may you answer, "Yes!"
- Mary Anne Radmacher
You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous
It is far more impressive when others
discover your good qualities without your help.
- Judith Martin
I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I
You are Never Too Old to Give or Get Gold Stars.
Show Your Honest Appreciation - Today.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
When life gets you down -
just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
- Anonymous humor
Stay Happy, never let anyone get your goat.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A wedding is just like a funeral
except that you get to smell your own flowers.
- Grace Hansen
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?"
Then a voice answers "Nothing personal,
your name just happened to come up. -
- Charlie Brown, in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
Don't die with your music still inside you.
Listen to your intuitive inner voice
and find what passion stirs your soul.
- Wayne Dyer
Though I am a servant, I am not your servant.
- Ursula K. Le Guin
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it
seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour
and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
You can always tell when a man's well informed.
His views are pretty much like your own.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Don't underestimate your abilities,
that's your boss's job.
- Anonymous
Trust your own instinct.
Your mistakes might as well be your own,
instead of someone else's.
- Billy Wilder
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you'll find one at the end of your arm.
- Audrey Hepburn
Just remember, after they foreclose on your mortgage,
you get a lot more sunshine in your life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems,
but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
- Herm Albright
To go against the dominant thinking of your friends,
of most of the people you see every day,
is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can perform.
- Theodore H. White
As the evening beckons with the promise of tomorrow...
may your gratitude rise up and with strength answer, "yes."
- Mary Anne Radmacher
The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper
is that your guests are so pleased
to feel how very much better they are.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
You can safely assume that you've
created God in your own image
when it turns out that God hates
all the same people you do.
- Anne Lamott
Why wait until you're dead,
when you can create your own Hell right here and now.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin
Let your sympathies and your compassion
be always with the under dog in the fight -
this is magnanimity;
but bet on the other one - this is business.
- Mark Twain
Love is loving what your lover loves.
- Anonymous
"Appeasement" is the policy of feeding your friends to a crocodile,
one at a time, in hopes that the crocodile will eat you last.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt
Choose to soar. Choose to fly your dreams.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Knowing your own darkness is the best method
for dealing with the darknesses of other people.
- Carl Jung
Grit ruins clam chowder,
but enhances your character.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Never let the fear of striking out get in your way.
- Babe Ruth
True love comes quietly,
without banners or flashing lights.
If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
- Erich Segal
A loyal friend laughs at your jokes
when they're not so good,
and sympathizes with your problems
when they're not so bad.
- Arnold H. Glasgow
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.