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Funny Deceiving Quotes
Funny Quotes about Deceiving

Let these funny Deceiving Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

Through pride we are ever deceiving ourselves.
But deep down below the surface of the average conscience
a still, small voice says to us, something is out of tune.
- Carl Jung

Unlike grown-ups, children have little need to deceive themselves.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Don't fall for looks, they can deceive.
Don't fall for wealth, in the end it fades away.
Find someone who makes you smile
because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.
- Anonymous

A fool is one who goes on trusting;
a fool is one who goes on trusting against all his experience.
You deceive him, and he trusts you;
and you deceive him again, and he trusts you;
and you deceive him again, and he trusts you.
Then you will say that he is a fool, he does not learn.
His trust is tremendous; his trust is
so pure that nobody can corrupt it.
Be a fool in the Taoist sense, in the Zen sense.
Don't try to create a wall of knowledge around you.
Whatsoever experience comes to you,
let it happen, and then go on dropping it.
Go on cleaning your mind continuously;
go on dying to the past so you remain in the present here-now,
as if just born, just a babe.
- Osho


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You may be deceived if you trust too much,
but you will live in torment
if you don't trust enough.
- Frank Crane

Do you not know that there comes a midnight hour
when every one has to throw off his mask?
Do you believe that life will always let itself be mocked?
Do you think you can slip away a little before midnight
in order to avoid this? Or are you not terrified by it?
I have seen men in real life who so long deceived others
that at last their true nature could not reveal itself;...
In every man there is something which to a certain degree
prevents him from becoming perfectly transparent to himself;
and this may be the case in so high a degree,
he may be so inexplicably woven into relationships of life
which extend far beyond himself that he almost cannot reveal himself.
But he who cannot reveal himself cannot love,
and he who cannot love is the most unhappy man of all.
- Soren Kierkegaard

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain


 

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)

However beautiful the strategy,
you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill

Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you always got.
- Mark Twain

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.
- Tom Lehrer

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous

The worst part of success is to try to find
someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler

Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)

If you don't know where you are going,
you might wind up someplace else.
- Yogi Berra

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck

When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
- the movie As Good As It Gets (1997)

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous

You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

When everything comes your way
you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous

Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain

You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein

Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point

There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash

There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

You can put wings on a pig,
but you don't make it an eagle.
- William J. Clinton

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you,
unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- the movie Shrek 2

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous

You know what? Maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
- the movie Shrek (2001)

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin

Where did you park the invisible car?
- the movie Megamind (2010)

You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly,
but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- the movie Shrek (2001)

When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove (1964)

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx

I got a good mind to join a club
and beat you over the head with it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon

New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter

The proper office of a friend is to side with you
when you are in the wrong.
Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.
- Mark Twain

Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous

I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Of all the things that could frighten you,
you worry about my driving?
- Edward, from Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer

I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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