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Let these funny Conserves Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Tolerance is the first principle of community;
it is the spirit which conserves
the best that all men think.
- Helen Keller
To be one, to be united is a great thing.
But to respect the right to be different is maybe even greater.
- Bono
In the practice of tolerance,
one's enemy is the best teacher.
- Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama
The highest result of education is tolerance.
- Helen Keller
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Tolerance implies no lack of commitment to one's own beliefs.
Rather it condemns the oppression or persecution of others.
- John F. Kennedy
The heresy of one age becomes the orthodoxy of the next.
Mere tolerance has given place to a sentiment of brotherhood
between sincere men of all denominations.
- Helen Keller
The highest result of education is tolerance.
Long ago men fought and died for their faith;
but it took ages to teach them the other kind of courage, -
the courage to recognize the faiths of their brethren
and their rights of conscience.
- Helen Keller
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles
No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous
Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken
It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary
If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain
Every one desires to live long,
but no one would be old.
- Abraham Lincoln
In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep,
one must above all be a sheep oneself.
- Albert Einstein
When written in Chinese, the word "crisis"
is composed of two characters.
One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.
- John F. Kennedy
Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.
- Terry Pratchett
Education is a method whereby
one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.
- Laurence J. Peter
She drove me to drink.
That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
- the movie Never Give a Sucker an Even Break
When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
- Walter Lippmann
One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
- Mark Twain
The best way to appreciate your job
is to imagine yourself without one.
- Oscar Wilde
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde
He who loves 50 people has 50 woes;
he who loves no one has no woes.
- The Buddha
If God listened to the prayers of men,
all men would quickly have perished:
for they are forever praying for evil against one another.
- Epicurus
I've developed a new philosophy...
I only dread one day at a time.
- the character Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic
All diseases run into one - old age.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The greatest mistake you can make in life
is to be continually fearing you will make one.
- Elbert Hubbard
One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
- Andre Gide
A true friend is one who
overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind
and won't change the subject.
- Winston Churchill
A New Year's resolution is something that
goes in one Year and out the other.
- Anonymous
Being a leader is like being a lady,
if you have to go around telling people you are one, you aren't.
- Margaret Thatcher
One's first love is always perfect
until one meets one's second love.
- Elizabeth Aston
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln
You can always do one thing less than you think you can.
- Anonymous
Question with boldness even the existence of a God;
because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason,
than that of blind-folded fear.
- Thomas Jefferson
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
- Steve Martin
One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar.
- Helen Keller
Tombs are the clothes of the dead.
A grave is a plain suit;
while an expensive monument is one with embroidery.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
There is only one thing about which I am certain,
and that is that there is very little
about which one can be certain.
- W. Somerset Maugham
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
- Pope John Paul I
One of the greatest pains to human nature is the pain of a new idea.
- Walter Bagehot
There are three hundred and sixty-four days
when you might get un-birthday presents,
and only one for birthday presents, you know.
- Lewis Carroll
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Never stir up litigation.
A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this.
- Abraham Lincoln
My father and he had one of those English friendships
which begins by avoiding the intimacies
and eventually eliminates speech altogether.
- Jorge Luis Borges
"Appeasement" is the policy of feeding your friends to a crocodile,
one at a time, in hopes that the crocodile will eat you last.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt
A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous
The essence of all religions is one.
Only their approaches are different.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.