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Let these funny Claim Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Love does not claim possession, but gives freedom.
- Rabindranath Tagore
The claim "I was only following orders" has been used
to justify too many tragedies in our history.
- Captain Picard of the television series
STAR TREK: The Next Generation
We must be free not because we claim freedom,
but because we practice it.
- William Faulkner
I claim that human mind or human society
is not divided into watertight compartments
called social, political and religious.
All act and react upon one another.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
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I claim to be a simple individual liable
to err like any other fellow mortal.
I own, however, that I have humility enough
to confess my errors and to retrace my steps.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
We are born at a given moment, in a given place and,
like vintage years of wine, we have the qualities of the year
and of the season of which we are born.
Astrology does not lay claim to anything more.
- Carl Jung
In great contests, each party claims to act
in accordance with the will of God.
Both may be, and one must be wrong.
- Abraham Lincoln
When you are winning a war
almost everything that happens
can be claimed to be right and wise.
- Winston Churchill
We must be ready to learn from one another,
not claiming that we alone possess all truth
and that somehow we have a corner on God.
- Archbishop Desmond Tutu
Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
Except in cases of necessity, which are rare,
leave your friend to learn
unpleasant things from his enemies;
they are ready enough to tell them.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
I am always ready to learn
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
Some years ago I became president of Columbia University
and learned within 24 hours to be ready
to speak at the drop of a hat,
and I learned something more, the trustees were expected
to be ready to speak at the passing of the hat.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
We are always getting ready to live but never living.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Happiness is not something ready made.
It comes from your own actions.
- Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama
We never see what we are not ready to see.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
If we will be quiet and ready enough,
we shall find compensation in every disappointment.
- Henry David Thoreau
When I am getting ready to reason with a man,
I spend one-third of my time thinking about myself
and what I am going to say
and two-thirds about him and what he is going to say.
- Abraham Lincoln
The man who goes alone can start today;
but he who travels with another
must wait till that other is ready.
- Henry David Thoreau
When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
- Buddhist Proverb
The secret of success in life is for a man to be ready
for his opportunity when it comes.
- Benjamin Disraeli
I am ready and willing to seize the opportunities life offers.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
When life is too easy for us, we must beware
or we may not be ready to meet the blows
which sooner or later come to everyone, rich or poor.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
I have ready access to a power beyond my wildest imagination.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
It's one of life's great paradoxes ...
Accepting with gratitude whatever life throws at us
is critical to happiness.
Yet without a goal and commitment, life lose much of its value.
The best we can do in the face of this paradox
is to play to win, but be cheerful in defeat
and ready to play again.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Everyone has an opinion on many subjects
and is ready to share those opinions -
labeling them as "truth."
Sometimes it is relatively easy
to filter out these opinions.
Upon hearing an ad for the latest
weight-loss powder on late-night TV,
our skepticism leaps to our defense.
However, if we have heard the same opinion for years
from our parents, friends,
government officials, or religious leaders,
we are more likely to believe without questioning
than to raise our filter of skepticism
and ask the hard questions.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
There is also something excellent in every audience,
the capacity of virtue.
They are ready to be beatified.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
The four most important words in any marriage...
"I'll do the dishes."
- Anonymous
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman
Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Anonymous
Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
Marriage is a wonderful institution,
but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken
A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
Husbands should be like Kleenex:
soft, strong, and disposable.
- the movie Clue (1985)
I think men who have a pierced ear
are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin
I have often wanted to drown my troubles,
but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
- Anonymous
There are four stages in a marriage.
First there's the affair,
then the marriage,
then children
and finally the fourth stage,
without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.
- Norman Mailer
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West
They have come up with a perfect understanding.
He won't try to run her life,
and he won't try to run his, either.
- Anonymous
(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous
The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase
Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous
He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
- Anonymous
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- Samuel Johnson [also attributed to Oscar Wilde]
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -
a practice which is still continued.
- Helen Rowland
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash
There is more of good nature than of good sense
at the bottom of most marriages.
- Henry David Thoreau
One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.