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Let these funny Bag Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci
Liar is a strong word, but we are all liars.
Not in the sense of intentionally speaking untruths,
but in the sense of carrying so much historical
and emotional baggage that none of us is believable.
To lie means to speak an untruth,
and virtually everything that comes out of our mouth
is an untruth - an opinion, an assumption,
a point-of-view based on our past.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
- Abraham Lincoln
When a man you like switches from what
he said a year ago, or four years ago,
he is a broad-minded person who has courage enough
to change his mind with changing conditions.
When a man you don't like does it,
he is a liar who has broken his promise.
- Franklin Pierce Adams
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Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
No matter how much cats fight,
there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
- Abraham Lincoln
Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
- the movie National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)
Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!
When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)
Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
- Art Buchwald
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective
Oh no, I can't do anything to the death.
Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition,
and death is the worst thing for it.
- the movie Love and Death
A honeymoon should be like a table:
four bare legs and no drawers.
- Anonymous
I have no fear of the gallows ... They're going to shoot me.
- the movie Love and Death
No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin
Every one desires to live long,
but no one would be old.
- Abraham Lincoln
Some people are so heavenly minded
that they are no earthly good.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
I once had a rose named after me
and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue:
no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain
There is no use whatsoever trying to help
people who do not help themselves.
You cannot push anyone up a ladder
unless he is willing to climb himself.
- Andrew Carnegie
A clever man commits no minor blunders.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
In theory there is no difference between theory and practice.
In practice there is.
- Yogi Berra
No problem is so formidable that
you can't walk away from it.
- Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde
The worst government is often the most moral.
One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane.
But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.
- H. L. Mencken
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears,
for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
- Albert Einstein
Science may have found a cure for most evils;
but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all -
the apathy of human beings.
- Helen Keller
Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.
- Laurence J. Peter
Computers are like Old Testament gods;
lots of rules and no mercy.
- Joseph Campbell
When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
- Walter Lippmann
There is no such thing as public opinion.
There is only published opinion.
- Winston Churchill
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,
he no longer is.
- George Carlin
I am no longer young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde
Some things will never seem adequate
no matter how hard we try.
- from the movie White Man's Burden
The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous
He who loves 50 people has 50 woes;
he who loves no one has no woes.
- The Buddha
The way to silence religious disputes is to take no notice of them.
- Thomas Jefferson
You have no values. With you its all nihilism,
cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Random chance seems to have operated in our favor ...
there was no deity involved.
- Spock character in the Star Trek television series
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do;
the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
- Mary Wilson Little
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
- Mark Twain
I begin with the principle that all men are bores.
Surely no one will prove himself
so great a bore as to contradict me in this.
- Soren Kierkegaard
Early in life I had to choose between honest arrogance
and hypocritical humility.
I chose the former and have seen no reason to change.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
I find that principles have no real force
except when one is well fed.
- Mark Twain
An excellent man;
he has no enemies;
and none of his friends like him.
- Oscar Wilde
Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain
Faced with the choice between changing one's mind
and proving that there is no need to do so,
almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
- John Kenneth Galbraith
Less is only more where more is no good.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
Do not bite at the bait of pleasure,
till you know there is no hook beneath it.
- Thomas Jefferson
Experience keeps a dear school,
but fools will learn in no other.
- Benjamin Franklin
It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel
The universe we observe has precisely
the properties we should expect
if there is, at bottom, no design,
no purpose, no evil, no good,
nothing but blind, pitiless indifference.
- Charles Darwin
It is the things for which there is no evidence
that are believed with passion.
- Bertrand Russell
No one was ever named "Hero" for following the crowd.
Heroes set their own course.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
It has been my experience that folks who
have no vices, have very few virtues.
- Abraham Lincoln
If at first you don't succeed,
try, try, and try again.
Then give up.
There's no use being a damned fool about it.
- W. C. Fields
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
- Mark Twain
Do not let Sunday be taken from you.
If your soul has no Sunday, it becomes an orphan.
- Albert Schweitzer
Where there is shouting, there is no true knowledge.
- Leonardo da Vinci
Take your life in your own hands, and what happens?
A terrible thing: no one to blame.
- Erica Jong
It is a terrible thing to see and have no vision.
- Helen Keller
Say NO to the demands of the world.
Say YES to the longings of your own heart.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I believe that everything happens for a reason.
People change so that you can learn to let go,
things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right,
you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself,
and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
- Marilyn Monroe
He who can no longer pause to wonder
and stand rapt in awe,
is as good as dead;
his eyes are closed.
- Albert Einstein
If we have no peace,
it is because we have forgotten
that we belong to each other.
- Mother Teresa
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.