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Let these funny Average Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- George Carlin
Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband
a month before she marries him
and what she thinks of him a year afterward,
and you will have the truth about him.
- H. L. Mencken
The best argument against democracy is
a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
- Winston Churchill
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Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin
Through pride we are ever deceiving ourselves.
But deep down below the surface of the average conscience
a still, small voice says to us, something is out of tune.
- Carl Jung
Great minds discuss ideas;
average minds discuss events;
small minds discuss people.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
We are just an advanced breed of monkeys
on a minor planet of a very average star.
But we can understand the Universe.
That makes us something very special.
- Stephen Hawking
I am persuaded that the world has been tricked into adopting
some false and most pernicious notions about consistency -
and to such a degree that the average man has
turned the rights and wrongs of things entirely around
and is proud to be "consistent," unchanging, immovable, fossilized,
where it should be his humiliation.
- Mark Twain
Half the world is composed of idiots,
the other half, of people clever enough
to take indecent advantage of them.
- Walter Kerr
Crazy is walking down the street
with half a cantaloupe on your head,
muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."
- the movie Spy Hard (1996)
After fifteen minutes I wanted to marry her,
and after half an hour
I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.
- the movie Take the Money and Run (1969)
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)
There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world,
and the worst of it is that half of them are true.
- Winston Churchill
The rite of the rings appeals yet appalls:
a cutting, a joining, a losing, a gaining.
One becomes half, as two become one.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin
What would be the use of immortality to a person
who cannot use well a half an hour.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Humans are amphibians - half spirit and half animal.
As spirits they belong to the eternal world,
but as animals they inhabit time.
- C. S. Lewis
A life lived in fear is a life half lived.
- Anonymous
The wish for healing has always been half of health.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead.
- Jewel
How you respond to the challenge in the second half
will determine what you become after the game,
whether you are a winner or a loser.
- Lou Holtz
Knowledge is soon changed, then lost in the mist, an echo half-heard.
- Gene Wolfe
Half a truth is often a great lie.
- Benjamin Franklin
Confidence is half of victory.
- Yiddish Proverb
Stand up to your obstacles
and do something about them.
You will find that they haven't
half the strength you think they have.
- Norman Vincent Peale
Times like these, dark times,
they do funny things to people.
They can tear them apart.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)
Half of everything you were ever taught is wrong;
the question is which half.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I can think of nothing more boring for the American people
than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour
looking at my face on their television screens.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Shrinking away from death
is something unhealthy and abnormal -
which robs the second half of life of its purpose.
- Carl Jung
Words, like nature, half reveal and half conceal the soul within.
- Alfred Lord Tennyson
I live in my own place -
have never copied anyone even half,
and at any master who lacks the grace -
to laugh at himself - I laugh.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
This communicating of a man's self to his friend
works two contrary effects;
for it redoubleth joys, and cutteth griefs in half.
- Francis Bacon
It is incumbent on every generation
to pay its own debts as it goes.
A principle which if acted on would
save one-half the wars of the world.
- Thomas Jefferson
Many important things shouldn't be done half-way.
Think of getting married, having children,
starting a business, changing your career.
There are times to gather your courage
and make the leap, the whole leap.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A friendship will be young after the lapse of half a century;
a passion is old at the end of three months.
- Madame Swetchine
Most people think that anger is an instinctive response,
and that some people were just born with the temperament
to get angrier faster than others.
That statement is only half right.
Anger is an instinctive response.
We respond to an affront with anger essentially instantaneously -
much too quickly for conscious thought to be called upon.
But the instinct of the anger response
can be trained through conscious repetition,
visualization, and coaching.
Visualization is seeing the event
we desire to master in our mind's eye.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I have treated many hundreds of patients.
Among those in the second half of life -
that is to say, over 35 -
there has not been one whose problem in the last resort
was not that of finding a religious outlook on life.
- Carl Jung
We should not pretend to understand
the world only by the intellect;
we apprehend it just as much by feeling.
Therefore, the judgment of the intellect is,
at best, only the half of truth, and must, if it be honest,
also come to an understanding of its inadequacy.
- Carl Jung
The marvelous richness of human experience
would lose something of rewarding joy
if there were no limitations to overcome.
The hilltop hour would not be half so wonderful
if there were no dark valleys to traverse.
- Helen Keller
One ought never to turn one's back
on a threatened danger and try to run away from it.
If you do that, you will double the danger.
But if you meet it promptly and without flinching,
you will reduce the danger by half.
Never run away from anything. Never!
- Winston Churchill
If a man walks in the woods for love of them half of each day,
he is in danger of being regarded as a loafer.
But if he spends his days as a speculator,
shearing off those woods and making the earth bald before her time,
he is deemed an industrious and enterprising citizen.
- Henry David Thoreau
Rarely do we find men who willingly engage in hard, solid thinking.
There is an almost universal quest
for easy answers and half-baked solutions.
Nothing pains some people more than having to think.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Jesus said: "A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho,
when he fell into the hands of robbers.
They stripped him of his clothes, beat him
and went away, leaving him half dead.
A priest happened to be going down the same road,
and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side.
So too, a Levite [religious leader],
when he came to the place and saw him,
passed by on the other side.
But a Samaritan [Samaritans and Jews generally disliked
and were suspicious of each other] came where the man was;
and when he saw him, he took pity on him.
He went to him and bandaged his wounds ... and ...
took him to an inn and took care of him. ...
Jesus [said] "Go and do likewise."
- Luke 10:25-37 (The Parable of the Good Samaritan)
Most of us seldom let the outrageous
part of ourselves out to play.
Notice that I didn't say "never," I said "seldom."
Halloween is one of those exceptions.
While there are certainly many "bah humbug" houses on our street,
more than half the houses wear an acknowledgement of Halloween -
and nothing about Halloween is NOT outrageous.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
On His Blindness:
When I consider how my light is spent
Ere half my days in this dark world and wide,
And that one Talent which is death to hide
Lodged with me useless, though my soul more bent
To serve therewith my Maker, and present
My true account, lest He returning chide,
"Doth God exact day-labour, light denied?"
I fondly ask. But Patience, to prevent
That murmur, soon replies, "God doth not need
Either man's work or his own gifts. Who best
Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best. His state
Is kingly: thousands at his bidding speed,
And post o'er land and ocean without rest;
They also serve who only stand and wait.
- John Milton (1608-1674)
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain
Tip the world over on its side and
everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
The world's mental.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world.
I know because I've done it thousands of times.
- Mark Twain
The hardest thing to understand in the world is the income tax.
- Albert Einstein
The trouble with the world is not
that people know too little,
but that they know so many things that ain't so.
- Mark Twain
The reason why the world lacks unity,
and lies broken and in heaps,
is, because man is disunited with himself.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The most difficult thing in the world
is to know how to do a thing
and to watch somebody else doing it wrong,
without comment.
- Theodore. H. White
I know that God made the whole world in 4004 BC.
I know because my preacher told me. He's a good man.
He's even saving up all the money we give him
to go to bible college someday.
- Anonymous Humor
The problems of the world cannot possibly
be solved by skeptics or cynics
whose horizons are limited by the obvious realities.
We need men who can dream of things that never were.
- John F. Kennedy
We must become the change we wish to see in the world.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
- Ursula K. Le Guin
Powerful Dreams Inspire Powerful Action.
When you can taste, smell, and touch your dreams,
you can enroll the world.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
My way of joking is telling the truth;
that is the funniest joke in the world.
- George Bernard Shaw
The traveler sees what he sees,
the tourist sees what he has come to see.
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
If the world was perfect, it wouldn't be.
- Yogi Berra
It is said that the world is in a state of bankruptcy,
that the world owes the world more than the world can pay.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Common looking people are the best in the world:
that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln
Twinkle, twinkle little bat
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a tea-tray in the sky.
- Lewis Carroll
Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle.
- Lewis Carroll
The whole problem with the world is that
fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves,
but wiser people so full of doubts.
- Bertrand Russell
Give the right man two fishes and some bread,
and he will feed the world;
give the wrong man two fishes and some bread
and he will invent the fast-food fish sandwich.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Let there be peace on earth.
And let it begin with me.
- Jill Jackson Miller
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.