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Let these funny Assumed Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
My coat and I live comfortably together.
It has assumed all my wrinkles, does not hurt me anywhere,
has moulded itself on my deformities,
and is complacent to all my movements,
and I only feel its presence because it keeps me warm.
Old coats and old friends are the same thing.
- Victor Hugo
You can safely assume that you've
created God in your own image
when it turns out that God hates
all the same people you do.
- Anne Lamott
Ever had a bad hair day -
a day when everything seemed to be going wrong?
Perhaps today is a day to soothe your ruffled feathers,
take a deep breath, and reaffirm that
the weight of the world is really not on your shoulders,
unless you choose to assume that burden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
We see what we ASSUME we will see.
If you believe the world is evil, you will see evil.
If you believe the world is good, you will see good.
To change how life looks, change how you see life -
change your expectations of life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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Today is a unique and special day.
It is unlike any other day you have ever experienced.
If you assume that today is like every other day,
you will never notice today's uniqueness.
If you practice keen awareness, you will get
to savor today's uniquely wonderful qualities.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Truth always rests with the minority,
and the minority is always stronger than the majority,
because the minority is generally formed by those
who really have an opinion,
while the strength of a majority is illusory,
formed by the gangs who have no opinion -
and who, therefore, in the next instant
(when it is evident that the minority is the stronger)
assume its opinion... while truth again reverts to a new minority.
- Soren Kierkegaard
Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition.
The immature mind often mistakes one for the other,
or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy -
in fact, they're almost incompatible;
one emotion hardly leaves room for the other.
Both at once can produce unbearable turmoil.
- Robert Heinlein
When a man assumes a public trust
he should consider himself a public property.
- Thomas Jefferson
Jealousy is all the fun you think they had.
- Erica Jong
A competent and self-confident person is
incapable of jealousy in anything.
Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.
- Robert A. Heinlein
The jealous are troublesome to others,
but a torment to themselves.
- William Penn
Keep your attention focused entirely
on what is truly your own concern,
and be clear that what belongs to others
is their business and none of yours.
- Epictetus
True love is a process of co-creation
in which neither feels ownership or superiority.
Jealousy is a highly destructive force
for love and relationships.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Wisdom I know is social.
She seeks her fellows.
But Beauty is jealous,
and illy bears the presence of a rival.
- Thomas Jefferson
Jealousy is a child of selfishness and distrust.
- Mourning Dove
To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is,
a dissatisfaction with self.
- Joan Didion
Suspicion and jealousy are the death knell of any relationship.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Jealousy is the result of one's lack
of self-confidence, self-worth, and self-acceptance.
- Sasha Azevedo
Jealousy is that pain which a man feels
from the apprehension that he is not equally beloved
by the person whom he entirely loves.
- Joseph Addison
I am the master of my emotions -
I transform fear to love, anger to compassion,
pain to comfort, scarcity to abundance,
expectation to gratitude, and jealousy to generosity.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
O! beware, my lord, of jealousy;
It is the green-eyed monster which
doth mock the meat it feeds on.
- William Shakespeare
Love without jealousy. Love without need.
Let love be an unconditional gift.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
If you have an emotional reaction in the presence of someone,
your heart is telling you that you have
not resolved your issues with them.
In other words, you have not truly forgiven that person.
All of this begs the question, how do we forgive?
First, cease lying to yourself and stop telling yourself stories
about why you behave the way you do.
Stop blaming your behavior on other people
and take responsibility for your emotional reactions.
If you could forgive all the people in your life
who have hurt or wounded you
it would be possible to be in control of your behavior
instead of being in reaction to other people all of the time.
Imagine living life without experiencing
a constant emotional roller-coaster of pain, anger, and jealousy!
That would be bliss!
- Sheri Rosenthal
You shall not covet your neighbor's house;
you shall not covet your neighbor's wife,
nor his male servant, nor his female servant,
nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.
- Exodus 20:17
Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles
If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun.
- Katharine Hepburn
Procrastination is like a credit card:
it's a lot of fun until you get the bill.
- Christopher Parker
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do;
the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
- Mary Wilson Little
Life is a game - a game you can never win.
You already know the final score: Life 1, You 0.
Doesn't mean you can't have fun playing.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words
but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?"
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)
It's work only if I say it's work,
but it's play if I say it's fun.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
If we like what we do, if we always do our best,
then we are really enjoying life.
We are having fun, we don't get bored,
we don't have frustrations.
- don Miguel Ruiz
As a rock star, I have two instincts,
I want to have fun, and I want to change the world.
I have a chance to do both.
- Bono
We see Life through the fun-house mirrors of our point-of-view.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
To love what you do and feel that it matters,
how on earth could anything be more fun.
- Katherine Graham
Love bravely, live bravely, be courageous;
there's really nothing to lose.
There's no wrong you can't make right again,
so be kinder to yourself;
have fun, take chances. There are no bounds.
- Jewel
It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
- Walt Disney
People rarely succeed unless they
have fun in what they are doing.
- Dale Carnegie
I want to have fun, and I want to change the world.
I have a chance to do both.
- Bono
Become more and more innocent,
less knowledgeable and more childlike.
Take life as fun -
because that's precisely what it is!
- Osho
Remember that "concern" is about the time, energy, and emotion
that we direct toward worrying about something or someone -
not whether we are for that something or against it.
However, nothing that we do for fun is ever a "concern."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Flying might not be all plain sailing,
but the fun of it is worth the price.
- Amelia Earhart
I am the Wizard. This world is mine.
I speak. It's done. My realm is fine.
My wand, my tongue. My sword, my voice.
It's good. It's bad. I speak my choice.
I say happy, or I say mad.
I say angry, or I say glad.
I name that drawing on the wall.
It's not graffiti after all.
The past has been broken. The prison's not real.
My word holds the magic - the power to heal.
Intent is my weapon - a sword from above.
Cruel hate, fear, and anger transmute into love.
This world's my joy. This mouth's my toy.
Reborn -I'm a brand new girl or boy.
I choose. I speak. My will is done.
Come join. Come play. This can be fun.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz
Life is like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute -
only the last couple seconds are fatal,
but most people are scared to death the whole way down.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
The trick is growing up without growing old.
- Casey Stengel
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)
The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous
Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
Life is a journey - enjoy the journey.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde
In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back.
- Charles M. Schulz in his Peanuts cartoon
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
Life is serious, get out your magic wand.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain
Life is defined more by its contrasts than its samenesses;
Life is defined more by its risks than the many securities.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
If life is a trial, who is the judge and jury?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
No matter how much cats fight,
there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
- Abraham Lincoln
The difference between school and life?
In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test.
In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.
- Tom Bodett
To the young child, all life is a great adventure -
when did we grow so dull and brittle.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born
at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
- Mark Twain
Life only
appears to be
rushing toward us
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life is always lived in the eye-of-the-storm
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.