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Let these funny Advantageous Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Difference of opinion is advantageous in religion.
The several sects perform the office of a Censor -
over each other.
- Thomas Jefferson
I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage
is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
Half the world is composed of idiots,
the other half, of people clever enough
to take indecent advantage of them.
- Walter Kerr
The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain
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The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper
is that your guests are so pleased
to feel how very much better they are.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
The expert in battle seeks his victory
from strategic advantage
and does not demand it from his men.
- Sun Tzu
Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another
as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances.
- Thomas Jefferson
It is the greatest of all advantages
to enjoy no advantage at all.
- Henry David Thoreau
I have thought there was some advantage even in death,
by which we mingle with the herd of common men.
- Henry David Thoreau
It is a wonderful advantage to a man,
in every pursuit or avocation,
to secure an adviser in a sensible woman.
In woman there is at once a subtle delicacy of tact,
and a plain soundness of judgement,
which are rarely combined to an equal degree in man.
A woman, if she be really your friend,
will have a sensitive regard for your character, honor, repute.
She will seldom counsel you to do a shabby thing:
for a woman friend always desires to be proud of you.
- Edward Bulwer-Lytton
One of the advantages of being disorganized is that
one is always having surprising discoveries.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)
Friendship is a thing most necessary to life,
since without friends no one would choose to live,
though possessed of all other advantages.
- Aristotle
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles
One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin
Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous
You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch
No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken
You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous
Question with boldness even the existence of a God;
because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason,
than that of blind-folded fear.
- Thomas Jefferson
A New Year's resolution is something that
goes in one Year and out the other.
- Anonymous
One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche
"Appeasement" is the policy of feeding your friends to a crocodile,
one at a time, in hopes that the crocodile will eat you last.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt
A true friend is one who
overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson
No one was ever named "Hero" for following the crowd.
Heroes set their own course.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you'll find one at the end of your arm.
- Audrey Hepburn
The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin
The best way to appreciate your job
is to imagine yourself without one.
- Oscar Wilde
In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns
One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar.
- Helen Keller
Never stir up litigation.
A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this.
- Abraham Lincoln
The best thing about the future is
that it comes one day at a time.
- Abraham Lincoln
Every one desires to live long,
but no one would be old.
- Abraham Lincoln
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.
- Anonymous
My father and he had one of those English friendships
which begins by avoiding the intimacies
and eventually eliminates speech altogether.
- Jorge Luis Borges
One's first love is always perfect
until one meets one's second love.
- Elizabeth Aston
The greatest mistake you can make in life
is to be continually fearing you will make one.
- Elbert Hubbard
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
- Pope John Paul I
A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous
A good indignation brings out all one's powers.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Perhaps one has to be very old before one learns
to be amused rather than shocked.
- Pearl S. Buck
Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.
- Terry Pratchett
In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep,
one must above all be a sheep oneself.
- Albert Einstein
Being a leader is like being a lady,
if you have to go around telling people you are one, you aren't.
- Margaret Thatcher
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Faced with the choice between changing one's mind
and proving that there is no need to do so,
almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
- John Kenneth Galbraith
She drove me to drink.
That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
- the movie Never Give a Sucker an Even Break
That's the secret to life . . .
replace one worry with another.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
- Mark Twain
When written in Chinese, the word "crisis"
is composed of two characters.
One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.
- John F. Kennedy
I begin with the principle that all men are bores.
Surely no one will prove himself
so great a bore as to contradict me in this.
- Soren Kierkegaard
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.