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If you have health, you probably will be happy,
and if you have health and happiness,
you have all the wealth you need, even if it is not all you want.
- Elbert Hubbard
If you can not answer a man's argument,
all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
- Elbert Hubbard
Life is just one damned thing after another.
- Elbert Hubbard (Philistine - A Periodical of Protest, 1896)
A conservative is a man who is
too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
- Elbert Hubbard
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Genius may have its limitations,
but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
- Elbert Hubbard
Do not take life too seriously.
You will never get out of it alive.
- Elbert Hubbard
The greatest mistake you can make in life
is to be continually fearing you will make one.
- Elbert Hubbard
A friend is someone who knows all about you,
and loves you just the same.
- Elbert Hubbard
Life in abundance comes only through great love.
- Elbert Hubbard
One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men.
No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.
- Elbert Hubbard
Our desires always disappoint us;
for though we meet with something that gives us satisfaction,
yet it never thoroughly answers our expectation.
- Elbert Hubbard
To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.
- Elbert Hubbard
Dignity is a mask we wear to hide our ignorance.
- Elbert Hubbard
Your friend is the man who knows all about you,
and still likes you.
- Elbert Hubbard
A little more persistence,
a little more effort, and
what seemed hopeless failure
may turn to glorious success.
- Elbert Hubbard
The sculptor produces the beautiful statue
by chipping away such parts of the marble block as are not needed -
it is a process of elimination.
- Elbert Hubbard
Friendship, like credit, is highest when it is not used.
- Elbert Hubbard
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
However beautiful the strategy,
you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill
Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)
If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you always got.
- Mark Twain
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash
Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)
And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)
You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly,
but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- the movie Shrek (2001)
Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point
(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain
The proper office of a friend is to side with you
when you are in the wrong.
Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.
- Mark Twain
When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective
There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you,
unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- the movie Shrek 2
When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain
You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman
Oh, Shrek. Don't worry.
Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy
and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- the movie Shrek 2
If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin
Where did you park the invisible car?
- the movie Megamind (2010)
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles
If you don't know where you are going,
you might wind up someplace else.
- Yogi Berra
You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein
There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill
Oh no, I can't do anything to the death.
Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition,
and death is the worst thing for it.
- the movie Love and Death
Of all the things that could frighten you,
you worry about my driving?
- Edward, from Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer
Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.
- Tom Lehrer
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
- the movie As Good As It Gets (1997)
New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter
You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove (1964)
When everything comes your way
you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx
You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors
I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor
Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories
You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
I got a good mind to join a club
and beat you over the head with it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.