Facebook share Tweet This Email this
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
- Groucho Marx
Get a Funny Quote of the Day each day by email or in your feed reader.
Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child
could understand this report.
Run out and find me a four-year-old child,
I can't make head or tail of it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup
I got a good mind to join a club
and beat you over the head with it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
Humor is reason gone mad.
- Groucho Marx
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
- Groucho Marx
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
- Groucho Marx
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
The four most important words in any marriage...
"I'll do the dishes."
- Anonymous
Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
Marriage is a wonderful institution,
but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman
Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Anonymous
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill
I think men who have a pierced ear
are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller
Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West
Husbands should be like Kleenex:
soft, strong, and disposable.
- the movie Clue (1985)
When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
They have come up with a perfect understanding.
He won't try to run her life,
and he won't try to run his, either.
- Anonymous
I have often wanted to drown my troubles,
but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
- Anonymous
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
There are four stages in a marriage.
First there's the affair,
then the marriage,
then children
and finally the fourth stage,
without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.
- Norman Mailer
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase
(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous
He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor
The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin
I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives
as much as if we had never married at all.
- Lord Byron
My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years
to have breakfast together,
but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.
- Winston Churchill
Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
- Anonymous
My advice to you is get married:
if you find a good wife you'll be happy;
if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband
a month before she marries him
and what she thinks of him a year afterward,
and you will have the truth about him.
- H. L. Mencken
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- Samuel Johnson [also attributed to Oscar Wilde]
One should always be in love.
That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde
Marriage is neither heaven nor hell,
it is simply purgatory.
- Abraham Lincoln
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde
A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
- Anonymous
Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus
There is more of good nature than of good sense
at the bottom of most marriages.
- Henry David Thoreau
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
- Minnie Pearl
One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -
a practice which is still continued.
- Helen Rowland
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
- Gilbert (G. K.) Chesterton
Every good relationship, especially marriage, is based on respect.
If it's not based on respect,
nothing that appears to be good will last very long.
- Amy Grant
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin
This day I will marry my friend,
the one I laugh with, live for, dream with, love.
- Anonymous
By all means marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher
and that is a good thing for any man.
- Socrates
The formula for achieving a successful relationship is simple:
you should treat all disasters as if they were trivialities
but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
- Quentin Crisp
Thank you for visiting: Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. ... by Groucho Marx.
Please sign up on the form below to receive
my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes email.
You can also search my large collection of Funny Quotes.
May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.