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I love and treasure individuals as I meet them;
I loathe and despise the groups
they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin
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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I'd have to say that the universe
aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin
I don't like to think of laws
as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
- George Carlin
Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin
If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
- George Carlin
Honesty may be the best policy,
but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,
he no longer is.
- George Carlin
Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin
So far, this is the oldest I've been.
- George Carlin
If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- George Carlin
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- George Carlin
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance:
It attempts to work things out so that
everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
- George Carlin
Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do
every minute of every day. And the invisible man
has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do.
And if you do any of these things,
he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire
and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin
Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West
The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous
Love is an irresistible desire
to be irresistibly desired.
- Robert Frost
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
- H. L. Mencken
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter
quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- H. L. Mencken
Love is like an hourglass,
with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
- Jules Renard
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine
When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
One's first love is always perfect
until one meets one's second love.
- Elizabeth Aston
A honeymoon should be like a table:
four bare legs and no drawers.
- Anonymous
Love thy neighbor -
and if he happens to be tall,
debonair and devastating,
it will be that much easier.
- Mae West
My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner
Love is only a dirty trick played on us
to achieve continuation of the species.
- W. Somerset Maugham
Love is a grave mental disease.
- Plato
True love comes quietly,
without banners or flashing lights.
If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
- Erich Segal
My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.
- Anonymous
Save a boyfriend for a rainy day -
and another, in case it doesn't rain.
- Mae West
I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed ma hair.
- the movie The Cabin in the Cotton
Love is metaphysical gravity.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
I love to shop after a bad relationship.
I don't know. I buy a new outfit
and it makes me feel better. It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit,
I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner
Love is what makes two people
sit in the middle of a park bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends.
- Anonymous
Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth
until the hour of separation.
- Khalil Gibran
A woman in love can't be reasonable -
or she probably wouldn't be in love.
- Mae West
True love is like ghosts,
which everyone talks about and few have seen.
- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones!
- the movie Shrek (2001)
Love is loving what your lover loves.
- Anonymous
The feeling of friendship is like that
of being comfortably filled with roast beef;
love, like being enlivened with champagne.
- Samuel Johnson
A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)
Love looks through a telescope;
envy, through a microscope.
- Josh Billings
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
The only true love is love at first sight;
second sight dispels it.
- Israel Zangwill
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance,
but with somebody else.
- Mae West
Look your best - who said love is blind?
- Mae West
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
Where there is great love,
there are always miracles.
- Willa Cather
I want a girl just like good old mom,
who is different in every way.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The magic words for a great relationship are,
"I love you just the way you are."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Beauty is an outward gift,
which is seldom despised,
except by those to whom it has been refused.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.