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I love and treasure individuals as I meet them;
by George Carlin

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them;
I loathe and despise the groups
they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin


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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin


 

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I'd have to say that the universe
aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin

I don't like to think of laws
as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
- George Carlin

Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
- George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy,
but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,
he no longer is.
- George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin

So far, this is the oldest I've been.
- George Carlin

If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- George Carlin

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- George Carlin

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance:
It attempts to work things out so that
everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
- George Carlin

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do
every minute of every day. And the invisible man
has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do.
And if you do any of these things,
he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire
and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West

The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous

Love is an irresistible desire
to be irresistibly desired.
- Robert Frost

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
- H. L. Mencken

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein

Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter
quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- H. L. Mencken

Love is like an hourglass,
with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
- Jules Renard

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine

When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein

One's first love is always perfect
until one meets one's second love.
- Elizabeth Aston

A honeymoon should be like a table:
four bare legs and no drawers.
- Anonymous

Love thy neighbor -
and if he happens to be tall,
debonair and devastating,
it will be that much easier.
- Mae West

My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner

Love is only a dirty trick played on us
to achieve continuation of the species.
- W. Somerset Maugham

Love is a grave mental disease.
- Plato

True love comes quietly,
without banners or flashing lights.
If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
- Erich Segal

My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.
- Anonymous

Save a boyfriend for a rainy day -
and another, in case it doesn't rain.
- Mae West

I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed ma hair.
- the movie The Cabin in the Cotton

Love is metaphysical gravity.
- R. Buckminster Fuller

I love to shop after a bad relationship.
I don't know. I buy a new outfit
and it makes me feel better. It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit,
I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner

Love is what makes two people
sit in the middle of a park bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends.
- Anonymous

Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth
until the hour of separation.
- Khalil Gibran

A woman in love can't be reasonable -
or she probably wouldn't be in love.
- Mae West

True love is like ghosts,
which everyone talks about and few have seen.
- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones!
- the movie Shrek (2001)

Love is loving what your lover loves.
- Anonymous

The feeling of friendship is like that
of being comfortably filled with roast beef;
love, like being enlivened with champagne.
- Samuel Johnson

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

Love looks through a telescope;
envy, through a microscope.
- Josh Billings

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein

The only true love is love at first sight;
second sight dispels it.
- Israel Zangwill

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance,
but with somebody else.
- Mae West

Look your best - who said love is blind?
- Mae West

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain

Where there is great love,
there are always miracles.
- Willa Cather

I want a girl just like good old mom,
who is different in every way.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The magic words for a great relationship are,
"I love you just the way you are."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Beauty is an outward gift,
which is seldom despised,
except by those to whom it has been refused.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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