Enter one or two keywords to search these Funny Quotes.

Hint: keep it simple, like life twain



Facebook share   Tweet This   Email this

Funny Quotes about Life
Funny Quotes about Life | Funny Love Quotes | Links | About
Search:   A-   B-   Ca-   Co-   D-   E-   F-   G-   H-    I-    J-K-L   M-   N-O   Pa-   Pr-   Q-R   Sa-   Sk-   T-   U-V-W-X-Y-Z


Get a Humorous, Yet Insightful, Quote of the Day each day by email.
Follow funny-quotes-life.com by Email:


The church is always trying to get other people to reform;
by Mark Twain

The church is always trying to get other people to reform;
it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little,
by way of example.
- Mark Twain

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain PHOTO

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain PHOTO

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed) PHOTO


Get a Funny Quote of the Day each day by email or in your feed reader.

 Subscribe in a reader -- or
Enter your email address:




Delivered by FeedBurner


It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain

If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you always got.
- Mark Twain

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain


 

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain

Golf is a good walk spoiled.
- Mark Twain

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world.
I know because I've done it thousands of times.
- Mark Twain

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain

The proper office of a friend is to side with you
when you are in the wrong.
Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.
- Mark Twain

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
- Mark Twain

We have the best government that money can buy.
- Mark Twain

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
- Mark Twain

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born
at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
- Mark Twain

If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain

It ain't those parts of the Bible
that I can't understand that bother me,
it is the parts that I do understand.
- Mark Twain

Truth is stranger than fiction,
but that is because Fiction is obliged
to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.
- Mark Twain

Always do the right thing.
It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
- Mark Twain

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence;
then success is sure.
- Mark Twain

Tell me about a person's family, friends, and community,
and I'll tell you what his opinions are.
- Mark Twain
(paraphrase)

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
- Mark Twain

Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain

Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.
- Mark Twain

Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
- Mark Twain

The trouble with the world is not
that people know too little,
but that they know so many things that ain't so.
- Mark Twain

Let your sympathies and your compassion
be always with the under dog in the fight -
this is magnanimity;
but bet on the other one - this is business.
- Mark Twain

Comedy keeps the heart sweet.
- Mark Twain

The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool,
than to speak and remove all doubt.
- sometimes attributed to Mark Twain, Abraham Lincoln, or Samuel Johnson

Never put off till tomorrow
what you can do the day after tomorrow.
- Mark Twain

The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.
- Mark Twain

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
- Mark Twain

The lack of money is the root of all evil.
- Mark Twain

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet
and steady and loyal and enduring a nature
that it will last through a whole lifetime,
if not asked to lend money.
- Mark Twain

I find that principles have no real force
except when one is well fed.
- Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot,
and suppose you were a member of Congress;
but I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain

Few things are harder to put up with
than the annoyance of a good example.
- Mark Twain

Never try to teach a pig to sing.
It wastes your time, and it annoys the pig.
- Mark Twain

In religion and politics, people's belief's and convictions
are in almost every case gotten at second hand,
and without examination
- Mark Twain

I do not fear death.
I had been dead for billions and billions
of years before I was born,
and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
- Mark Twain

Get the facts first.
You can distort them later.
- Mark Twain

Faith is believing what you know ain't so.
- Mark Twain

Customs do not concern themselves
with right or wrong or reason.
But they have to be obeyed;
one reasons all around them until he is tired,
but he must not transgress them, it is sternly forbidden.
- Mark Twain

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed
by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do.
So throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream. Discover.
- widely misattributed to Mark Twain

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant
I could hardly stand to have the old man around.
But when I got to be 21, I was astonished
at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
- Mark Twain

Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.
- Mark Twain

Hardly a man in the world has an opinion
upon morals, political, or religion
which he got otherwise than
through his associations and sympathies.
- Mark Twain

Why not go out on a limb?
Isn't that where the fruit is?
- Mark Twain

Don't part with your illusions.
When they are gone you may still exist,
but you have ceased to live.
- Mark Twain

Life does not consist mainly,
or even largely, of facts or happenings.
It consist mainly of the storm of thoughts
that is forever flowing through one's head.
- Mark Twain

Habit is habit,
and not to be flung out of the window by any man,
but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time.
- Mark Twain

Between believing a thing and thinking you KNOW
is only a small step and quickly taken.
- Mark Twain

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
- Mark Twain

Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side
which he never shows to anybody.
- Mark Twain

The very ink with which all history
is written is merely fluid prejudice.
- Mark Twain

Life is short,
Break the Rules.
Forgive quickly,
Kiss SLOWLY.
Love truly.
Laugh uncontrollably
And never regret
ANYTHING
That makes you smile
- Mark Twain

Each man is afraid of his neighbor's disapproval -
a thing which, to the general run of the human race,
is more dreaded than wolves and death.
- Mark Twain

The most interesting information comes from children,
for they tell all they know and then stop.
- Mark Twain

The best way to cheer yourself
is to try to cheer someone else up.
- Mark Twain

When we remember we are all mad,
the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain

It's not what you don't know that kills you,
it's what you know for sure that ain't true.
- Mark Twain

What work I have done I have done because it has been play.
If it had been work I shouldn't have done it.
- Mark Twain

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
The secret of getting started is
breaking your complex overwhelming tasks
into small manageable tasks,
and starting on the first one.
- Mark Twain

Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
- Mark Twain

Anger is an acid that can do more harm
to the vessel in which it is stored
than to anything on which it is poured.
- Mark Twain

When all is said and done,
the one sole condition that makes
spiritual happiness and preserves it
is the absence of doubt.
- Mark Twain


Thank you for visiting: The church is always trying to get other people to reform; by Mark Twain.

Please sign up on the form below to receive
my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes email.

You can also search my large collection of Funny Quotes.

May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


Funny Quotes

 


All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.