Let these funny Voltaire Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
- Voltaire
The more he became truly wise,
the more he distrusted everything he knew.
- Voltaire
It is dangerous to be right in matters
on which the established authorities are wrong.
- Voltaire
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Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
- Voltaire
Appreciation is a wonderful thing.
It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.
- Voltaire
It is the first law of friendship
that it has to be cultivated.
The second is to be indulgent
when the first law is neglected.
- Voltaire
Faith consists in believing when it is
beyond the power of reason to believe.
- Voltaire
The more I read, the more I meditate;
and the more I acquire,
the more certain I am that I know nothing.
- Voltaire
Fear follows crime, and is its punishment.
- Voltaire
A witty saying proves nothing.
- Voltaire
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde 
Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
- Edgar Bergen
I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly,
but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- the movie Shrek (2001)
We have a great life here in Alaska,
and we're never going back to America again!
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.
- Winston Churchill
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller
Never call an accountant a credit to his profession;
a good accountant is a debit to his profession.
- Charles Lyell
And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
I never make stupid mistakes.
Only very, very clever ones.
- John Peel
Never stir up litigation.
A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this.
- Abraham Lincoln
One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar.
- Helen Keller
Man's nature is not essentially evil.
Brute nature has been known to
yield to the influence of love.
You must never despair of human nature.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche
I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives
as much as if we had never married at all.
- Lord Byron
My father always told me that
all businessmen were sons of bitches,
but I never believed it till now.
- John F. Kennedy
People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.
- Dave Barry
Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help,
and what he cannot help.
- Thomas Fuller
You are Never Too Old to Give or Get Gold Stars.
Show Your Honest Appreciation - Today.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Which form of proverb do you prefer
Better late than never, or Better never than late?
- Lewis Carroll
Never give a sword to a man who can't dance.
- Confucius
Never trust spiritual leader who doesn't dance.
- Miyagi: character in the movie The Next Karate Kid
I never considered a difference of opinion
in politics, in religion, in philosophy,
as cause for withdrawing from a friend.
- Thomas Jefferson
It's never too late -
never too late to start over,
never too late to be happy.
- Jane Fonda
I was wise enough to never grow up
while fooling most people into believing I had.
- Margaret Mead
Eating words has never given me indigestion.
- Winston Churchill
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.
- Oscar Wilde
The way for a young man to rise is
to improve himself in every way he can,
never suspecting that anybody wishes to hinder him.
- Abraham Lincoln
Never put off till tomorrow
what you can do the day after tomorrow.
- Mark Twain
I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin
Some things will never seem adequate
no matter how hard we try.
- from the movie White Man's Burden
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
- Anonymous
Never try to teach a pig to sing.
It wastes your time, and it annoys the pig.
- Mark Twain
The savage in man is never quite eradicated.
- Henry David Thoreau
Never let the fear of striking out get in your way.
- Babe Ruth
One should never trust a woman who tells her real age.
If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
- Oscar Wilde
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves
for they shall never cease to be amused.
- Anonymous
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing
for most of us that it is not.
- Oscar Wilde
I always pass on good advice.
It is the only thing to do with it.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
You never can tell with bees.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)
Until you've lost your reputation,
you never realize what a burden it was.
- Margaret Mitchell
One should always be in love.
That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde
Stay Happy, never let anyone get your goat.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Do not take life too seriously.
You will never get out of it alive.
- Elbert Hubbard
I never accepted the idea
that I had to be guided by
some pattern or blueprint.
- Little Richard
A person who never made a mistake
never tried anything new.
- Albert Einstein
Things have never been more like the way they are today in history.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
- H. L. Mencken
Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle,
and the life of the candle will not be shortened.
Happiness never decreases by being shared.
- The Buddha
There are only two or three human stories,
and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely
as if they had never happened before.
- Willa Cather
Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge:
it is those who know little, and not those who know much,
who so positively assert that this or that problem
will never be solved by science.
- Charles Darwin
People will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget
how you made them feel.
- Maya Angelou
You are never too old to set another goal
or to dream a new dream.
- C. S. Lewis
Hate is never conquered by hate,
Hate is only conquered by love.
- The Buddha
Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates.
You never know what you're gonna get.
- the movie Forrest Gump
Never interrupt someone doing what you said couldn't be done.
- Amelia Earhart
Our Joy comes from living our own lives simply -
never from demanding that others live simply -
or from ever making any demands whatsoever upon others.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I make it a policy to try never to
make a complete idiot of myself twice in the same way.
After all, there's always all kinds of new ways
to make a complete idiot of myself.
Why repeat the old ones?
- Margot Dalton
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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