Let these funny Thomas Fuller Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help,
and what he cannot help.
- Thomas Fuller
He's my friend that speaks well of me behind my back.
- Thomas Fuller
There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
Get a Funny Quote of the Day each day by email or in your feed reader.
Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin
Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
- Art Buchwald
Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous
Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death
You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)
In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns
I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin
There are two kinds of people,
those who do the work,
and those who take the credit.
Try to be in the first group;
there is less competition there.
- Indira Gandhi
Give the right man two fishes and some bread,
and he will feed the world;
give the wrong man two fishes and some bread
and he will invent the fast-food fish sandwich.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Love is what makes two people
sit in the middle of a park bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends.
- Anonymous
My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years
to have breakfast together,
but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.
- Winston Churchill
Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
- Benjamin Franklin
Having two bathrooms ruined the capacity to co-operate.
- Margaret Mead
I truly believe that happiness is possible...
even when you're thirty-three
and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln
When written in Chinese, the word "crisis"
is composed of two characters.
One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.
- John F. Kennedy 
The will to believe chases out the rational mind,
whenever and wherever the two come into conflict.
- Philip K. Dick
I do not believe that civilization will be wiped out
in a war fought with the atomic bomb.
Perhaps two-thirds of the people of the earth will be killed.
- Albert Einstein
Only two things are infinite,
the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein
The rite of the rings appeals yet appalls:
a cutting, a joining, a losing, a gaining.
One becomes half, as two become one.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Praying is important when you wake up
at two o'clock in the morning
feeling sick from eating something dumb the day before.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
Every tomorrow has two handles.
We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety
or the handle of faith.
- Henry Ward Beecher
There are only two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle.
- Albert Einstein
There are only two or three human stories,
and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely
as if they had never happened before.
- Willa Cather
Understanding is a two-way street.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.
- Khalil Gibran
Don't be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated;
you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
- David Lloyd George
Prejudice is a two-edged sword.
Like the steel sort of sword, it's very sharp, very useful,
and very dangerous if not properly mastered.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
We were given:
Two hands to hold.
Two legs to walk.
Two eyes to see.
Two ears to listen.
But why only one heart?
Because the other was given to someone else.
For us to find.
- Anonymous
You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
- old proverb often attributed to David Lloyd George
The two powers which in my opinion constitute a wise man
are those of bearing and forbearing.
- Epictetus
Friendship is not possible between two women
one of whom is very well dressed.
- Laurie Colwin
The meeting of two personalities is
like the contact of two chemical substances:
if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
- Carl Jung
All philosophy lies in two words,
sustain and abstain.
- Epictetus
Two little words that can make the difference: START NOW.
- Mary C. Crowley
People sort themselves into groups
of happy people and unhappy people
through two different, but complementary mechanisms,
influence and affinity.
I influence those around me
with my emotional state, either happy or unhappy.
At the same time, I feel an affinity
for others who are like me in some way -
in this case by sharing my emotional outlook on life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
This communicating of a man's self to his friend
works two contrary effects;
for it redoubleth joys, and cutteth griefs in half.
- Francis Bacon
It takes two to speak the truth:
one to speak, and another to hear.
- Henry David Thoreau
Friendship is a strong and habitual inclination in two persons
to promote the good and happiness of one another.
- Eustace Budgell
Friendship is one mind in two bodies.
- Mencius
You can close more business in two months
by becoming interested in other people
than you can in two years by trying
to get people interested in you.
- Dale Carnegie
The career of a sage is of two kinds:
He is either honored by all in the world,
Like a flower waving its head,
Or else he disappears into the silent forest.
- Lao Tzu
There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth;
not going all the way, and not starting.
- The Buddha
As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands.
One for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
- Audrey Hepburn
A Great Relationship is the Dance of Two Great Lives.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I had three chairs in my house;
one for solitude, two for friendship, three for society.
- Henry David Thoreau
There are two means of refuge
from the miseries of life:
music and cats.
- Albert Schweitzer
Music fills the infinite between two souls.
- Rabindranath Tagore
There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth
- not going all the way and not starting.
- The Buddha
Falling in love and having a relationship
are two different things.
- Keanu Reeves
There are two kinds of stones,
as everyone knows,
one of which rolls.
- Amelia Earhart
Pride comes in two flavors -
choose honor, not ego.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
There are two kinds of failures:
those who thought and never did,
and those who did and never thought.
- Laurence J. Peter
Two souls with but a single thought,
Two hearts that beat as one.
- Friedrich Halm
There are two things to aim at in life:
first, to get what you want,
and after that to to enjoy it.
- Logan Pearsall Smith
Unity can only be manifested by the Binary.
Unity itself and the idea of Unity are already two.
- The Buddha
A wise man hears one word and understands two.
- Yiddish Proverb
Love is a game that two can play and both win.
- Eva Gabor
Pride comes in two flavors -
be careful which you choose -
choose honor, not ego.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The Two Great Lessons of Life: Choose Love & Trust God.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
You can make more friends in two months
by becoming interested in other people
than you can in two years by trying
to get other people interested in you.
- Dale Carnegie
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I ...
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.
- Robert Frost
At the beginning and at the end of love,
the two lovers are embarrassed to find themselves alone.
- Jean de la Bruyere
If there are dreams about a beautiful South Africa,
there are also roads that lead to their goal.
Two of these roads could be named Goodness and Forgiveness.
- Nelson Mandela
Thank you for visiting: Thomas Fuller Quotes - Funny Quotes by Thomas Fuller.
Please sign up on the form below to receive
my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes email.
You can also search my large collection of Funny Quotes.
May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.