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Let these funny Robert A. Heinlein Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Almost any sect, cult, or religion will
legislate its creed into law
if it acquires the political power.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Anyone who can worship a trinity
and insist that his religion is a monotheism
can believe anything.
- Robert A Heinlein
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One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein
A competent and self-confident person is
incapable of jealousy in anything.
Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
- Robert A. Heinlein
One of the sanest, surest, and most generous joys of life
comes from being happy over the good fortune of others.
- Robert A. Heinlein
No statement should be believed because it is made by an authority.
- Robert A. Heinlein
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner 
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles
It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch
One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin
Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken
You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein
No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
The greatest mistake you can make in life
is to be continually fearing you will make one.
- Elbert Hubbard
Every one desires to live long,
but no one would be old.
- Abraham Lincoln
We are all atheists about most of the gods
that societies have ever believed in.
Some of us just go one god further.
- Richard Dawkins
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln
"Appeasement" is the policy of feeding your friends to a crocodile,
one at a time, in hopes that the crocodile will eat you last.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt
Life is just one damned thing after another.
- Elbert Hubbard (Philistine - A Periodical of Protest, 1896)
One should never trust a woman who tells her real age.
If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
- Oscar Wilde
In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns
One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
The best way to appreciate your job
is to imagine yourself without one.
- Oscar Wilde
One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar.
- Helen Keller
Perhaps one has to be very old before one learns
to be amused rather than shocked.
- Pearl S. Buck
The rite of the rings appeals yet appalls:
a cutting, a joining, a losing, a gaining.
One becomes half, as two become one.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
There are three hundred and sixty-four days
when you might get un-birthday presents,
and only one for birthday presents, you know.
- Lewis Carroll
I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you'll find one at the end of your arm.
- Audrey Hepburn
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
- Mark Twain
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde
There is only one thing about which I am certain,
and that is that there is very little
about which one can be certain.
- W. Somerset Maugham
Faced with the choice between changing one's mind
and proving that there is no need to do so,
almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
- John Kenneth Galbraith
The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous
That's the secret to life . . .
replace one worry with another.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
- Andre Gide
Being a leader is like being a lady,
if you have to go around telling people you are one, you aren't.
- Margaret Thatcher
One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche
You can always do one thing less than you think you can.
- Anonymous
When written in Chinese, the word "crisis"
is composed of two characters.
One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.
- John F. Kennedy
The best thing about the future is
that it comes one day at a time.
- Abraham Lincoln
Education is a method whereby
one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.
- Laurence J. Peter
A good indignation brings out all one's powers.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
One's first love is always perfect
until one meets one's second love.
- Elizabeth Aston
A New Year's resolution is something that
goes in one Year and out the other.
- Anonymous
When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
- Walter Lippmann
My father and he had one of those English friendships
which begins by avoiding the intimacies
and eventually eliminates speech altogether.
- Jorge Luis Borges
She drove me to drink.
That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
- the movie Never Give a Sucker an Even Break
The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin
In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep,
one must above all be a sheep oneself.
- Albert Einstein
The worst government is often the most moral.
One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane.
But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.
- H. L. Mencken
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.