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Let these funny Laurence J. Peter Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
Speak when you are angry -
and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret.
- Laurence J. Peter
Facts are stubborn things,
but statistics are more pliable.
- Laurence J. Peter
The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway
is usually a poor judge of distance.
- Laurence J. Peter
Education is a method whereby
one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.
- Laurence J. Peter
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Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.
- Laurence J. Peter
Everyone rises to their level of incompetence.
- Laurence J. Peter
There are two kinds of failures:
those who thought and never did,
and those who did and never thought.
- Laurence J. Peter
Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death
Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak;
courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
- Winston Churchill
Always speak the truth,
think before you speak,
and write it down afterwards.
- Lewis Carroll
Do not speak to me of rules.
This is war! This is not a game of cricket!
- from the movie The Bridge On The River Kwai
It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool,
than to speak and remove all doubt.
- sometimes attributed to Mark Twain, Abraham Lincoln, or Samuel Johnson
Trees are the earth's endless effort
to speak to the listening heaven.
- Rabindranath Tagore 
See no evil, Hear no evil, Speak no evil.
- Japanese pictorial maxim (the Three Wise Monkeys)
Some years ago I became president of Columbia University
and learned within 24 hours to be ready
to speak at the drop of a hat,
and I learned something more, the trustees were expected
to be ready to speak at the passing of the hat.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
However many holy words you read, however many you speak,
what good will they do you if you do not act on upon them?
- The Buddha
One can never speak enough of the virtues,
the dangers, the power of shared laughter.
- Francoise Sagan
Do not save your loving speeches
For your friends till they are dead;
Do not write them on their tombstones,
Speak them rather now instead.
- Anna Cummins
He who knows, does not speak.
He who speaks, does not know.
- Lao Tzu
We will not be driven by fear into an age of unreason
if we dig deep in our history and remember
that we are not descended from fearful men,
not from men who feared to write, to speak,
to associate and to defend causes
which were for the moment unpopular.
- Edward R. Murrow
If you can speak what you will never hear,
if you can write what you will never read,
you have done rare things.
- Henry David Thoreau
We are formed and molded by our thoughts.
Those whose minds are shaped by selfless thoughts
give joy when they speak or act.
Joy follows them like a shadow that never leaves them.
- The Buddha
What we speak becomes the house we live in.
- Hafiz
Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far.
- West African proverb famously quoted by Theodore Roosevelt
We have two ears and one mouth so that
we can listen twice as much as we speak.
- Epictetus
It takes two to speak the truth:
one to speak, and another to hear.
- Henry David Thoreau
First learn the meaning of what you say, and then speak.
- Epictetus
Reading about nature is fine, but if a person
walks in the woods and listens carefully,
he can learn more than what is in books,
for they speak with the voice of God.
- George Washington Carver
When angry, count to ten before you speak.
If very angry, count to one hundred.
- Thomas Jefferson
Every thought you think
and every word you speak
is affirming something.
- Louise L. Hay
Although I cannot move and I have to speak through a computer,
in my mind I am free.
- Stephen Hawking
Character is always known.
Thefts never enrich;
alms never impoverish;
murder will speak out of stone walls.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Keep silence for the most part,
and speak only when you must,
and then briefly.
- Epictetus
There is a sacredness in tears.
They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.
They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.
They are messengers of overwhelming grief ...
and unspeakable love.
- Washington Irving
It is the province of knowledge to speak,
and it is the privilege of wisdom to listen.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
When people speak to you about a preventive war,
you tell them to go fight it.
After my experience, I have come to hate war.
War settles nothing.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Actions speak louder than words.
- Proverb
Kind words can be short and easy to speak,
but their echoes are truly endless.
- Mother Teresa
Be Impeccable With Your Word.
Speak with integrity.
Say only what you mean.
Avoid using your word to speak against yourself
or to gossip about others.
Use the power of your word
in the direction of truth and love.
- don Miguel Ruiz
I feel impelled to speak today in a language
that in a sense is new-one which I,
who have spent so much of my life in the military profession,
would have preferred never to use.
That new language is the language of atomic warfare.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Christian voters should start looking
at global warming and extreme poverty
as religious issues that speak to the culture of life.
- Al Franken
I confess that there is nothing to teach:
no religion, no science, no writings
which will lead your mind back to Spirit.
Today I speak this way, tomorrow that,
but always the Path is beyond words and beyond mind.
- Lao Tzu
(paraphrase)
A man cannot speak to his son, but as a father;
to his wife, but as a husband;
to his enemy, but upon terms:
whereas a friend may speak, as the case requires,
and not as it sorteth with the person.
- Francis Bacon
Liar is a strong word, but we are all liars.
Not in the sense of intentionally speaking untruths,
but in the sense of carrying so much historical
and emotional baggage that none of us is believable.
To lie means to speak an untruth,
and virtually everything that comes out of our mouth
is an untruth - an opinion, an assumption,
a point-of-view based on our past.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
We will not walk in fear, one of another.
We are not descended from fearful men,
Not from men who feared to write, to speak,
To associate and to defend causes
which were for the moment unpopular.
This is no time... to keep silent.
- Edward R. Murrow
Ask why this task is on your to-do list.
Consider discarding those items to which
you are not truly committed.
For the tasks which do speak
to the longings of your own heart,
begin now, today, this moment.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I am the Wizard. This world is mine.
I speak. It's done. My realm is fine.
My wand, my tongue. My sword, my voice.
It's good. It's bad. I speak my choice.
I say happy, or I say mad.
I say angry, or I say glad.
I name that drawing on the wall.
It's not graffiti after all.
The past has been broken. The prison's not real.
My word holds the magic - the power to heal.
Intent is my weapon - a sword from above.
Cruel hate, fear, and anger transmute into love.
This world's my joy. This mouth's my toy.
Reborn -I'm a brand new girl or boy.
I choose. I speak. My will is done.
Come join. Come play. This can be fun.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far.
- Theodore Roosevelt
Training - training is everything; training is all there is to a person.
We speak of nature; it is folly; there is no such thing as nature;
what we call by that misleading name is merely heredity and training.
We have no thoughts of our own, no opinions of our own;
they are transmitted to us, trained into us.
All that is original in us, and therefore fairly creditable
or discreditable to us, can be covered up and hidden
by the point of a cambric needle, all the rest being atoms
contributed by, and inherited from, a procession of ancestors
that stretches back a billion years to the Adam-clam
or grasshopper or monkey from whom our race has been
so tediously and ostentatiously and unprofitably developed.
And as for me, all that I think about in this plodding sad pilgrimage,
this pathetic drift between the eternities,
is to look out and humbly live a pure and high and blameless life,
and save that one microscopic atom in me that is truly me:
the rest may land in Sheol and welcome for all I care.
- Mark Twain in A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
Life is like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute -
only the last couple seconds are fatal,
but most people are scared to death the whole way down.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage
is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein
The only true love is love at first sight;
second sight dispels it.
- Israel Zangwill
I believe totally in a Capitalist System,
I only wish that someone would try it.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
If you want total security, go to prison.
There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on.
The only thing lacking... is freedom.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
The essence of all religions is one.
Only their approaches are different.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Advertisements contain the only truths
to be relied on in a newspaper.
- Thomas Jefferson
The physician can bury his mistakes,
but the architect can only advise his client to plant vines -
so they should go as far as possible from home
to build their first buildings.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
There are three hundred and sixty-four days
when you might get un-birthday presents,
and only one for birthday presents, you know.
- Lewis Carroll
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born
at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
- Mark Twain
Life only
appears to be
rushing toward us
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Only two things are infinite,
the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein
I always pass on good advice.
It is the only thing to do with it.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.
- Albert Einstein
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely
only after they have exhausted all other alternatives.
- Abba Eban
Only dead fish swim with the stream.
- Anonymous
You are only young once,
but you can stay immature indefinitely.
- Anonymous
Nothing in life is to be feared.
It is only to be understood.
- Marie Curie
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.